All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages
- Shakespeare
When I was little I had the idea that everybody's lives were plays that God had scripted before we were born or that the universe was just one big movie in which everybody that had ever lived or was ever going to live were characters. There are many characters in my life, some feature more than others and in turn I play a part in their lives however big or small. It is difficult talking about them on this blog because I write anonymously and I owe it to them to protect their privacy as well, especially since some of these characters are children. Therefore I have created aliases for them and before I continue with this blog I should probably introduce you to them all so you will know who I am talking about. Some of them are pretty simple like:
Mom- she's my Mom
Dad- he's my Dad
Sister- she is my younger sister
Go figure. I have a feeling somewhere on this blog I have mentioned my mothers name and she may have commented on some blogs as my mother with her real name but I have decided not to use her name in anyway from now on. Here the list of characters in my life:
Little B- those who have been reading my blog for a long time know that Little B is my second cousin and my Goddaughter. She is now eight years old.
Miss Muffet- this is Little B's youngest sister she is five years old and also my Goddaughter. She and Little B are extremely close.
Brown Eyed Girl- This is Little B's oldest sister. She will be fourteen in a few weeks
Mel- She is the mother of Little B, Miss Muffet and Brown Eyed Girl and my first cousin. My parents fostered her until she was about sixteen. She and I were very close growing up.
Karen- She is my best friend and lives in America. This girl saved my life and I miss her more than anything.
Big Sis- She sixteen years older than me and is my half sister from my Dad's second marriage. She and I were estranged for many years but now maintain a very distant relationship. I have been meaning to write a post about her for the longest time since I saw her for the first time in nine years last year.
Big Bro- He is thirteen years older than me and also from my Dad's second marriage. Big Bro was my hero growing up and is quite a character. Unfortunately he is very distant but he and I generally get on well whenever he decides to pop up in my life.
Surfer Girl- I had to decide between that and Skater Girl since she is both a surfer and a skateboarder but in the end went with the former because Skater Girl reminds me to much of Avril Lavgine. Ugh. Surfer Girl is the daughter of my mother's best friend of 40 years. She and I grew up literally as sisters. She is several years younger than me but is one of my best friends despite the fact that we have nothing in common and can bug the hell out of one another.
The Cat- A pretty tortoise shell cat that the previous owner also left and is currently residing in the dilapidated pool house. I am in the process of trying to make friends with her but given my track record with pets in recent years maybe she'd be better off in the pool house :/
F- Yep I wish I could add three more little letters after that first one, that way I will be able to describe how I feel about her. I will use this blog to work through a lot of issues that I have as the result of F and her minions in the past
Probably more characters will be added and taken off this list as time goes on. Let the show begin!.
So the last blog post was something I didn't exactly plan. It was meant to be an update of all that has been happening since last year. But the absolute irony of what happened and the storm of emotions that followed was something I had to get out by writing.
Anyway, moving on...
Like I said before I don't know who still reads this blog but I have been largely absent for the past nine months. Because of that I probably have lost a lot of readers. It doesn't really bother me, I don't regret the time I had away and a lot of it was beyond my control.
In September last year our service provider got fed up with replacing the telephone lines that had gotten nicked over and over again. This is a problem in South Africa, people steel the telephone lines for the copper. The service provider eventually refused to install new lines. This meant no Internet for me other than what I had on my BlackBerry. Trying to post from my BlackBerry was a mission since the email post option didn't work very well. So I just thought "Screw it" and took a break. There have been a lot of changes in my life since then so for anyone that is still reading or interested here they are...
My baby boy Milo disappeared before Christmas last year. Milo had been spending more and more time away from my house as he seemed to be more interested in having adventures with his brothers. Eventually he only came home to eat and for a quick snuggle before setting off again. I knew I was not going to be living in the area much longer and would soon have to make a very difficult decision on what was best for Milo. But sadly I didn't have to. Milo would come home to eat but one day he just stopped coming. His brothers also disappeared we searched the area for all of them but they had vanished without a trace. We later heard that seven different cats from the farm had gone missing and someone had sighted a mountain cat- there are only two or three in the mountains where we lived. I hate to think about it so I rather would like to think that Milo and his brothers found a field with lots of mice and butterflies for them to chase. I was so heartbroken at loosing Milo...I don't think he ever forgave me for the time he broke his leg- he completely changed after that.
Since January I've moved three times. I have discovered that I do not take moving very well. It causes so much anxiety and instability in me that I become virtually useless and am prone to panic attacks. This is very surprising since I have lived in three different countries and the vast majority of my childhood was characterised by moving. The last move was significant in that after three years I have finally moved out of my parents house and onto my own. Earlier this year a friend of mine moved into a house where she needed to tutor a little girl for an hour a day in exchange for room and board and one meal every day. She soon grew tired of having children around her twenty- four- seven and offered the room to me and moved back home.
The house has got to be the oddest I have every seen. My room is very large with a bathroom that has a shower so small I need to open the door just to be able to wash properly. The house has a interesting history. It was bought by an American tycoon for his son who he later disinherited for marrying a stripper...who kept on stripping. My room was used to coach newly hired strippers on their technique. The two stripe poles where removed before my friend moved in but the floor still carries a reminder. The disinherited son later had to flee because he was wanted for questioning in a murder investigation ( he gave the gun that was used in the murder to the suspect as payment for "garden work" bet he regrets that) and agreed for the family that I am living with now to stay in the house rent free as both parents had just been retrenched from their jobs.
The family I live with are very nice, a little rough around the edges. The Dad who is a boat builder, cooks sometimes delicious and sometimes disastrous suppers that we all eat together in the kitchen and the wine is free flowing!. There are two children, a nine year old boy and a ten year old girl which is the one I tutor. Since I started with her about a month ago, I have started to strongly suspect that she is either dyslexic or ADD or both. It is a massive struggle for her to read and write and instead of spending just an hour a day with her I am spending four or five hours with her. It's tough and I feel for her, she knows somethings wrong and she genuinely wants to learn and do well. I am just waiting for the right time to broach the subject with her parents about getting her help. She is writing exams right now and it is just hectic.
Unfortunately three weeks after I moved in I found a notice from the sheriff taped onto our gate telling us that the house was being auctioned off by the bank because disinherited son had gone through all his inheritance and was now defaulting on his mortgage payments. Fortunately for us, it is very hard to evict someone in South Africa on account of the country having so many homeless people and squatters. So even if the house gets sold we have more rights than the actual buyer and the buyer by law, actually has to find us a new place to live. We also plan on evoking "Squatters Rights" ( yes they have rights)...I can picture my high- flying sister gasping in shock if she had to hear that. It sucks that I may have to move so soon after having just gotten settled.
As for work, after six months of being unemployed...I am STILL unemployed.I had a temp job covering maternity leave that come to an end in December. Employment is a real problem in South Africa. If you are a teacher, a lawyer or a doctor jobs are plentiful but most of these professionals head for foreign countries where there are more benefits, better salaries, less crime and the cost of living isn't so high. As for everyone else, South Africa for workers is a bit like Hollywood for wannabe actors and actresses. Most people here get jobs through word of mouth...it's who you know and all about being in the right place at the right time. It is vital to start building your connections starting even in high school, to get ahead. It is not unheard of to hear of someone with university degrees and even PhD's being unemployed for six months and struggling to find a job. As my connections are not exactly up to par looking for a job has been like banging my head against a brick wall.
My sister has sub-contracted me on her copy writing work and is giving me a small salary for my trouble. It is good for buying food and maybe a pair of jeans and a movie here and there, but if I had to pay rent I would be screwed. I am still studying and will be doing that full time through correspondence from July. It is ironic...I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life as I have been doing so now...and I am the poorest I have ever been.
Anyway this has gotten a little long and I hope I haven't bored anyone to tears. I will have to break this update up into two parts as there have been two "happenings" that have had a massive impact on me this year and are very emotional to talk about.
Does anyone read this blog anymore? Anyone??. If you are that anyone then you deserve a "faithful reader" award. Since January this year my life has undergone some big changes. Things have happened some good, some bad. And so life goes. For the past 5 months I have been relying solely on BlackBerry Internet Service as my ONLY connection to cyberspace. And I have been busy, hence my neglect of this blog I am happy to report that I now have a proper Internet connection...on a computer (well half a laptop really...you should see it, it's hilarious!) which sits on a desk, with a chair in my new house.
Anyway I am still getting settled and have a writing project that needs to be done in a few days, so this is just a little message from me to you to say that I will be back soon.
I follow many blogs. Some are informational, some are funny, some fascinating, some are downright controversial...I like those the best :) As a result I come across many amazing and unbelievable stories. I am so thankful that I live in a world where technology allows me discover things about people and the world that I might have not known had I lived in another time.
Once in a while I come across a story so incredible that I spend days thinking about it. I have been spending a tranquil day at my sister's flat with her, my Mom and her house mate. During the course of the afternoon, my sister read us a post from a blog written by a twenty- six year old South African girl who has just been re-diagnosed with leukaemia for the third time. It doesn't take a smart person to figure out signs of battling this disease for a third time are not good. What makes this story all the more tragic is that she is the last surviving child of her parents. Her brother went missing a few years ago and her sister died during operation.
I admire this girl- her name is Lucille- not just for her bravery but because of her honesty. Having been a victim of a rather serious physical illness myself I remember the enormous pressure I felt to always be optimistic. To never show I was in pain or afraid because I feared hurting the people I loved. Lucille is full of hope, Lucille is brave and a beautiful person. But she knows that things are not okay, she is afraid and angry that life has dealt her and family this brutal card. She uses her blog write all of these feelings down and to express her love for her loved ones. She is not afraid to talk about what everyone is trying not talk about: the inevitable. There is a good chance she will die.
I encourage to read the blog of this beautiful girl, who's wisdom, bravery and honesty amaze. We all have problems both big and small, but once in a while I believe that we all need to be reminded to be thankful for what we've got and it is not the end of the world. I am including a post that was written straight from her heart to a friend she meet on Twitter.
Once upon a time in land far, far away..
Okay no, this is the tale of a story that happened, is happening right under
my nose every single day.
I used to think that friendship starts with a smile…
Reaching for the same
crayon…
Being on the same sports team…
Listening to the same
music…
Lifting as heavy as the other guy…
But this friendship started in an odd way, by a follow:
I followed right back, of course, he’s a CT Runner… ((again, 2 of my
favourite things))
We never said anything to each other, other than a few
random retweets and “Good Luck”‘s and of course I read every tweet of his about
his running journeys in the beautiful city of Cape Town. It wasn’t until
December last year when we both expressed our absolute dislike of broadcast
messages on bbm and how that guarantees a straight delete that I decided that I
could sure as pie get along with someone like that… This is the beginning, after
the beginning of this tale…
Matty,
It was right before Christmas 2011, while out at an end of year function
where you were drinking too much, uhm, let’s call it awesome juice… and your
typing absolutely sucked (keeping it real), but even though it looked something
like this “candrjoja ojdjroejodkj kdj” I still made out every word and answered
you like it was no big deal. I’m an expert in slurred typing :/ lol. It got to
a point where you could see you made no sense, and you quoted me this:
“Me Tarzan, You Jane”
and that was it – that moment right there, that was
the moment this friendship began.
I just remember us getting along really great,
talking about running and awesome things like the beach and Cape Town and I
thought you were absolutely great, and weird and a little bit insane – but you
laughed at my lame jokes and that has been absolutely priceless to me.
Me Tarzan, You Jane
You were even goofy, yep said it, enough to watch Tarzan “with” me, although
we’re 1405,3 km’s apart – made my soul happy that you’d do something so silly
for me.
On Thursday, 19 January I was rediagnosed with
Leukemia.
On that day I felt like my entire world fell apart, that everything
I was trying to achieve and build up to was never going to happen.
Matt, you
were one of the first people who I told the news to – which is insane, because I
have obvious trouble dealing with real things. I would much rather make jokes
and be lighthearted than admit I’m falling apart, but with you it was okay to
have this severe experience of being human…
I remember the first words you said to me after I
gave you the news was this: “It’s ok Lu, it’s ok” and then you sent me
the link to this song
The words in this song that struck me the most was
It’s okay. It’s
okay. It’s okay.Seasons are
changingAnd waves are
crashingAnd stars are falling all for
usDays grow longer and nights grow
shorterI can show you I’ll be the
one
I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I’ll
stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all (through it
all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Matty, you haven’t let me fall. Not once. No
matter how tough treatment got, no matter what news I shared with you, you
always responded with the same “It’s ok Lu, it’s ok”. Somehow we have
this insane connection – I remember a few days after treatment started, as I was
having one of my just past 1am nausea attacks, without saying anything to you ~
you sent me a message telling me that everything will be okay. Ha! Coincidence?
Maybe. But this wasn’t the only time it happened, it has happened throughout.
When the rest of the world was telling me to get up, be strong and fight, you
told me that it was okay to be weak for a bit.
Never leaves my side
Matty, today was one of those hard days – one of those not so strong days.
Today I felt my body start to give in, piece by piece. Gosh a few times during
the night I wished, hoped to just be rid of the feeling. I’m ashamed to say, I
wanted it all to be over. I was ready to let go of life, but I kept strong, I
held on, because “It’s ok Lu, it’s ok”. Earlier when I woke up and
read your messages, I got these flashbacks from the day we met… I never told
you, but hugging you for the first time wasn’t weird or awkward at all – it felt
like hugging an old friend again. You made me laugh and smile and even that
night when I wasn’t feeling well you told me “It’s ok Lu, it’s ok” and
you took my hand and just held me. Magical moments, memories that keep me
strong. You went running for us tonight Matt, for your legs and my heart and
you took me beautiful pictures of the scenery of my, our Cape Town. I’m good
with words, but the feelings spilling over my cheeks as the tears leave my eyes
is the best way to describe how I feel about this gesture. It felt like I was
right there with you, only in my mind we’re running that route but sweating
heavily and smiling, not crying.
There are no guarantees in life, but Matty, you’ve made me see that it
doesn’t matter how many times my stupid pride tries to push you away – you’ll
stay.
Thank you for being a shoulder I can soak with my tears, thank you for
fighting away my fears. Thank you for making me smile, no matter how much life
gets me down. Thank you for making me live this magical friendship fairy tale
every day!!
Sometimes a hero isn’t the person who will run into burning buildings or
shield you from danger – sometimes a hero is the person who will stand beside
you, hold your hand and whisper quietly“It’s ok Lu, it’s ok” . Matty,
you’re my hero.
If I can’t hold on long enough to be your friend always, I need to say to
you: It’s okay Matty, it’s okay… You know…
As hard as my degree is I choose it because of it's exclusivity. Very few people will have a degree like mine. Doesn't change the fact that it can be as boring as hell at times or really tricky. When I was at school I really looked forward to university because it meant that finally, I could study something that I wanted to. But in the end common sense told me that Drama and Film Studies was not the most practical choice to put bread on the table. And unfortunately I wasn't blessed with the brains it that would require me to study Psychics or Astronomy. But despite all this, being unique is something that I have always tried to go by in my studies and soon I will have to make a decision on what to study further once I have my degree. I had this on my mind one day while I was trying to avoid studying for my Integrated Organisational Communication exam ( having written the exam, I STILL have no idea what that's about). I googled the ten most unusual degrees. The results I got really surprised me....
Are you a fan of The Beatles?. I mean, are you really, really a fan of The Beatles?. Enough to spend a year of your life studying everything about them?. This degree examines the impact The Beatles had on music, society, fashion...everything and it's offered by a university that is based in none other than their hometown, Liverpool, England. Beware though and I know this from experience...a way for you to stop becoming a fan of something is to study it academically. You might just land up hating The Beatles once you are done.
Egyptology (BA)
Remember the nerd in Stargate?. Well he was an Egyptologist. There are several universities around the world that offer this degree and you can also do a Masters and even a PhD in it. I will confess that back when I still wanted to be an actress, a singer and an astronaut this is something that I wanted to do because I was fascinated ( and still am ) by ancient Egypt. As fascinating as this degree may be...exactly what you would do with it- besides telling people all about ancient Egypt and maybe write a book- I'm not sure. It mostly goes hand-in-hand with Archeology and I would think that you would have to make some great big discovery to be noticed and for it to start paying off. Right now I think more attention should be given to what is happening in present day Egypt than to what happened in it's past.
BFA, MA, MFA Puppetry
The University of Connecticut is the only university in the world that offers a Masters in...making puppets. Having seen the photographs of the students work I will say they are absolutely stunning. I don't think a degree is required to be a master puppeteer- some of the best puppets I have ever seen were made by South Africa's poorest who pretty much taught themselves how to make puppets. In fact South Africa are rather famous for their puppet shows, some of which have gone on world tours. Still, I think that this could be a hard business to break into and having had an actual academic education in something so unusual could say that you have perfected your craft and will put you a cut above the rest.
B.A. in Enigmatology
This degree is so unique that only one person in the world has it!. Will Shortz always had a passion for puzzles and somehow convinced Indiana University to let him design his own curriculum and he graduated in 1974. Today he is the the puzzle editor for The New York Times. Shortz is said to have been able to solve any type puzzle or code given to him, in record time too. I attempted one of this guy's crossword puzzles on a flight from New York to San Francisco a few years ago- I'm not exactly a master code cracker but I have solved a good puzzle here and there. Two hours into the flight and after bugging the passengers on either side of me and a couple of air hostesses I was stumped and had to give up. So it seems that this unusual degree is paying off. My question is why hasn't anyone else done it?.
Degree in Anime and MangaOkay, I had to do a double take when I saw this one....you can get a degree in Japanese cartoons and comic books consisting of characters with overcompensating eyes, annoying straight hair and BIG boobies (that magically don't jiggle)?. Then again I shouldn't be very surprised since it does play a big part in Japan's culture and is an obsession of emos and nerds worldwide- I'm one of them by the way. I have loved both anime and manga since I was small but because it is just animation and not live action, you will be amazed at what they can get away with- let's just say that I didn't know people could have sex in cartoons. Some of the stuff is downright disturbing. Mostly it is very interesting and a lot of fun with some really good story lines. But trying to keep a straight face in front of a potential employer when he says "You have a degree in what!?" might be a little tricky.
Thanatology. The study of death. That's right DEATH. But despite the morbid undertone there is actually a lot of practicality in this degree and there is a huge demand for it. Graduates work with people facing terminal illness and the bereaved as well and generally educating people about death. I have a lot of admiration for people like that but I can't imagine dedicating my whole life to dying and using death to earn a living. I guess it might make the very moment of one's own death kinda like an anti- climax- "I'm dying!...now what did I learn in Thantology 101again?"
MSc in Parapsychology
Staying with death, this degree examines life after death and psychic abilities. It's mostly aimed at graduate students of psychology and sociology. And it's offered online. After having a look at the outline of this course I don't know if could ever get a peaceful nights sleep while studying this. I can't imagine writing an exam on
Extrasensory Perception and Psychokinesis Research or Studies of Evidence for Survival of Bodily Death. What do you do for a living with something like this? "There's a ghost!....now what was it that we learnt in Apparition class again?".
Complementary Healthcare (Aromatherapy)BA/BA (Hons)
Trying to get anyone to take you seriously when you tell them that you are doing a degree in Aromatherapy and making your parents pay university level fees on top of that may be a little difficult. With this degree you will learn how to blend essential oils for your clients well-being while studying the benefits and philosophies of complementary healthcare. You could also learn all of this during a six month course at a fraction of the price but then again I guess it is all about leading the pack in a tough market.
BFA in Instrumental Performance- Bagpipes
I guess you could see this as a major in any other "normal" instrument like piano or violin...but still bagpipes?... AND it is offered by a university in the U.S. Having looked at their website Carneige Mellon University looks like a really cool, eclectic sort of place to study. I am not ashamed to say that I actually like the sound of bagpipes (might have something to do with my Scottish ancestry). But there us still the lingering question of how a degree such as this will bring home the bacon.
BSc (Hons) Surf Science and Technology
Surfs up dude. Now you can like, totally get a degree in surfing. Ha-ha, ha-ha. No you can't do it in Australia or Miami or Hawaii...you can like, do it in sunny England. At a place called Plymouth. Ply....mouth. They say it's a "A globally unique qualification"...no sh*t. This degree will offer "Practical beach sessions focusing on scientific method"...say what?, just grab your board and go!. Amongst their alumni a couple of dudes/ dudettes went on to become an "accountant" and a "solicitor"...how in God's name did that happen!?. I grew up around surfers and I know that there is definitely a very unique and dynamic culture that surrounds surfing (and I am not naive enough to believe that nobody surfs in England). But this is ridiculous. When you are dragging your butt off the beach to go and study the science of your surf board....you may just be missing the perfect wave.
Do you have a degree? Are you, like me still in the process of getting a degree. What are you studying?. Is/ was it worth it?
A year ago today I started this blog. I actually can't believe it is just been a year- it feels like ages ago when I nervously sat in my bedroom with my laptop on my lap and opened my heart up to cyberspace. Man, I had no idea where to start. It was just a few months after I had been diagnosed with BIH and I was at my sickest. I can't say how far down the road to recovery I have come since starting this blog since. My life has been characterized by constant ups and downs. But I can definitely say since I started blogging I am a lot more informed about mental illness, treatment and recovery. And I have discovered a lot more about myself.
I called this blog "Hope for the flowers" after a book by the same name written by Trina Paulus. It was read to me when I was little and I have read it countless times since becoming an adult. It's message has always remained true to me- to become the person you were meant to be takes time, courage, refinement, patience, pain and love. I live in hope for my "flowers" and believe that everything I have gone through and everything I am going through now with bring out the best in me and help me discover who I really am and what I am meant to be doing with my life.
Since it's my first blogoversary I thought would repost my very first post. Reading this post again a year later...I have to wonder what the heck was going through my mind when I wrote this, was I tripping or what?!. I am also posting a song called "Hope for the flowers" by Jason Mraz.
Thank- you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me this past year. You have all been a blessing!
April 21st 2010
Meet Stripe and Yellow.....
Some of you may know them some of you may not. For those of you that do know them you'll know they were two of the bravest caterpillars ever to crawl on earth.
This blog will not be about the great Stripe and Yellow, but I thought they would be great introduction. Why? because not matter how small and insignificant a person is, they have a story to tell and some stories are REALLY worth telling.
My story is rather unusual and rather heartbreaking, but also funny and at times uplifting. I'm writing for many reasons: My family, to find someone in the same boat and I really do hope that some of the things I have to say will help and least one person. But, (and I really hope I don't sound self- absorbed- that is NOT my intention)I am mostly writing for myself. I want something tangible that I can hold onto to remind that I am on a journey, that I am taking baby steps and that I am one step ahead then I was yesterday- there is tomorrow. On that glorious day when I reach the top of this mountain I can look back down into the valley- read everything I wrote and say " Wow! what a ride".
A few warnings first: I used to be good at writing but long years of neglect have put me severely out of practice. Also trying to express myself will be difficult at first. Please be patient with me!
Secondly, I have inherited my dad's stubborn mind and have STRONG opinions about certain things. I am hoping my sweet mothers influence on me will have given me some tact. But in the end they are just opinions agreeing and disagreeing with them is your right.
My dear friend, Wendy and her girls over at Year of the Cats have awarded me with a "Stylish Blog Award"! *blink* blink* blush*. Now it may only be January but this has made my YEAR!. It had me grinning from ear to ear and I actually went to get my Mom (who had just gone to bed) to show her. Thank- you so much Wendy! This was so special and I'm touched that you have honored my blog:).
I found Wendy over at Takashi's blog and her sincere and compassionate advice- never being afraid to go against the tide- made my want to be her friend. She blogs about her two beautiful kitties, Sele and Bella, her life as a Wiccan and being Bipolar. For me visiting her blog is like visiting a gift shop everything is so colourful and diverse and I always feel like I come away with something special. Her writing so beautiful and has had me both laughing my head off and in tears.
I'm going to copy Wendy's tradition as a recipient of a blog award and tell you seven interesting things about myself:
1. Despite being incredibly SHY I have won several awards and competitions for public- speaking
3. I have lived in three countries: I was born in Texas, USA, my parents emigrated to South Africa when I was 18 months old (my Mom is South African). I went to live in London, UK when I was 20 for 2 years and then spent 18 months in America. I am now back in South Africa. Phew.
4. I speak two languages, English and Afrikaans and am currently learning Japanese. I plan to learn Spanish in the future.
5. I am a redhead- a bit strange because both my parents had black hair. My sister is blonde.
6. I am doing a degree in Industrial Psychology and Communication Science.
7. I think snakes are cute ( I don't own any though!).
And that's it. For now I am going to hold on passing this award to anyone else- this is because I only follow a few blogs and love them all so I honestly don't know which one to choose and choosing them all would feel a bit insincere.
The topic of this blog is Mental illness- particularly depression. I am aware that it's a topic that makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. I write on two ends of the scale. I'll write posts like the one before this that is dark and then I will write posts that are funny too. And I don't always write about Mental illness either.
Anyway thanks again Wendy and thanks for reading!.
I love it when an event takes place to remind you that miracles do happen and makes you to believe again. This happened last night when a story that I have been following for years finally closed with the most beautiful and joyous ending. Whoever was reading my blog a few months ago may remember that I wrote a post about a girl called Jill McCloghry from the blog {Love}. Jill was having huge complications with her second pregnancy. She had already suffered one of the worst tragedies a person can go through but her grace and faith throughout it all was so remarkable and inspiring. Well...it is a great honor to announce that her little girl, Maizey Augustine was born on December 7th. I had been messing around on twitter last night and was about to close it down when I got a tweet along with a picture of the most gorgeous baby girl. It made my eyes tear up and had me grinning from ear to ear. What a pleasure it has been following this beautiful woman's journey.
I encourage you to go through Jill's blog and read some of her posts. If you have ever suffered a devastating loss, particularly that of a child or if you are on that often painful journey of waiting for a baby, Jill's writing will help you and bring you great comfort.
Unfortunately I also got some sad news a few days ago. I have followed dear Susan at If You Are Going Through Hell Keep Going since I started blogging. What this woman has been through for the sake of her health is unbelievable. She has to be one of the most courageous people I know. Her insight into the world of mental illness has always in helped me and comforted me.
Susan was rushed to hospital nearly three weeks ago with kidney failure. They believe this was caused either by the drug Nexium or Seroquel. She is now home again but the road to recovering will be a long hard one. Hearing this news was very hard as with any of us who suffers a mental illness it hits really close to home and I really do care for this lovely woman. God is bigger than everything she is going through right now and I believe he will still do mighty things through her.
Two wonderful ladies, two very different circumstances. Both of them give me hope.
I have decided to post "Stronger" being sung by Jill on the Hillsong Chapel album (she has done several recordings for Hillsong). I have really had this song on my heart for the past few days...have a listen.
I think the sandman has permanently set up camp at my house. I just can't stop falling asleep and the ritual of going to bed at night and sleeping until it's morning is no longer possible- I sleep and wake up at any time. I must be sleeping about 15 hours a day right now. The only reason I get up is to eat, take a bath, feed my rabbits give them a cuddle and then retreat back into dreamland. And when I am awake I am like a zombie. This is a physical sign that things are not going well.
Whether it is because of the way I am feeling right now I don't know but, for the past week I have just had nothing write...nothing to say. Is it possible for a blog about depression to become to er, well.... depressing?. My mom laughed when I told her this "You are worried about a blog about depression becoming to...depressing? don't you think that's a little ironic". I'm also starting to compare my blog to other blogs- I tend to do that with everything I do and blogging is no different. And so a vicious Stephi- cycle has been born. I hate it when my insecurities ruin a perfectly good thing.
So I guess things are not going very well at the moment. The worst is that there is a storm of emotion going on inside my head and inside my heart and I can't cry. There is no way to release these feelings that are trapped inside me. Right now all I can feel is heavy and numb and tired. This is the WORST state for me to be in because it can go on for weeks maybe months. I have deliberately stopped taking my medication at times to try and put an end to it. After a few days of no meds I become an emotional mess but at least I can cry. I cried reading a another blog yesterday -which is very unusual- it was such a huge relief, but not nearly enough to help.
