5 years
This is an obituary for Stephanie Gwen. She was born
in America but grew up in South Africa. She loved nature and dogs. She wanted
to have a dog farm when she grew up to give a home to all the abandoned and
unwanted dogs in the world. Her favorite food was chocolate. She believed in
God and felt guilty because pleasing him seemed impossible. She loved the
theatre more than anything else. Her favorite plays were Phantom of the Opera and Oliver!
Andrew Lloyd Webber was her hero. Her greatest dream was to act in his
musicals. Unfortunately although she held the heart and talent for acting she
couldn’t sing or dance very well so being in a Lloyd Webber musical was out of
the question. Stephanie grew up in a beautiful small town right underneath a
magnificent mountain range. She dreamed of seeing the world, seeing all wonders
that were in books and on TV. Stephanie was in awe of the splendor of the world
she lived in, of the sky at dawn and at dusk, of the ocean and trees and the
stars. She was so happy and grateful to be alive in such a world and would find
pleasure in the smallest thing. She had a gift of inner peace that helped her
to hope for a better future no matter what heartache and chaos surrounded her.
When she was 21 years old one of her greatest desires came true when she moved
to London. There she had to work very hard to survive but she had never been so
happy in her life. She made many friends and had even more adventures. After
and year and a half she left England to get to know America…the land she was
born in.
5 years ago I was born….Stephi. It was 5 years ago
this week that I had my break down in America. 5 years ago I was put onto
antidepressants and have been on them ever since. At 02:50 am on the 14 March
2007 I woke up and found that the girl that I had been all my life had died and
there was a new person in her place. Everything that I believed in was gone.
There was no God. The world no longer held any splendor for me, I forgot all my
dreams. The dreamy, loving girl, always full of hope was replaced with an
angry, cynical cold hearted woman. It was like something had sucked the life
out of me and left me hollow. Ever since then the world has became devoid of
colour and totally joyless. Happiness became and impossible distant memory. The
antidepressants saved my life but they have dulled my heart to the point that I
am unfeeling of any kind of emotion.
But despite my cold, unfeeling heart I miss Stephi,
the girl I once was. So every year during this week in March I celebrate her
life. I light a candle next to the last picture that was taken of me before my
breakdown. The difference between that picture and pictures taken of me after
my breakdown is visible. This year I am living in temporary accommodation and
all my stuff, including that photograph is in storage. So I have used a silver
ring that I bought in England and some earrings that my friend gave as a memento
of my former self.
As I always believe in looking for hidden blessings
even in the most awful circumstances, I also use this time to remember the
blessings that came out of that period of my life. I met one of the best
friends I ever had, a girl who had known me for two months before I had my
breakdown. She should have been really freaked out by what she was seeing and
run for the hills. But she stayed and helped me get well. She saved my life, I
don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t had her there.
And of course the other blessing would be that I am
alive, I made it through. I thought that week in 2007 would be my last. I was
sure I would never see my family in South Africa again. I was losing myself,
dancing along the edge of insanity and I wandered when the moment would come
when I would cross the point of no return. But yet five years later here I am.
I can’t say my life has gotten any better it has been so hard. I have had to
mourn and get to know myself again. But at least I have dreams. Whether or not
they come true is irrelevant. I want a better life.
So this is in memory of Stephanie Gwen and acknowledging
Stephi and the road that I am still travelling.
For our
light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far
outweighs them all – 2 Corinthians 4:17
