Hereafter- my thoughts and opinions

I am meant to be doing my university assignment...which is due tomorrow, but every time I look at that thing I get a headache out of pure boredom. Who cares about the four methods of managing integrated communication and the dimensions of integrated communication evaluation. They sound like the same thing!. My professor on this course also happens to be one the authors of the textbook that is used and she actually penalized me 5 marks in my last assignment for not putting her name first in my references!. A professor with an ego problem...that's all I need.

So this is actually part 2 to a post I wrote about a month ago. Basically in the last post I asked for every one's thoughts and opinions on life after death. I really appreciated all of your comments. I planned on writing a follow up post about my own thoughts and opinions and this is it. Please take note: like I said these are my opinions and interpretations, this is not a sermon or a statement- you are free to agree or disagree. No one has to read this, these are just my own narcissistic thoughts:)

*Contains biblical material so if it that makes you feel uncomfortable better not read this.

Life after death: Death can be an unnerving topic to talk about but I think it is a shame for someone to live their lives being so afraid of death since it forms a big part of life. It's not something you should focus on but it is something you should prepare for. No one is guaranteed to live to old age and death can come like thief in the night.

My belief at it's very basic- with everything else stripped away-is that it is possible for a person's consciousness to exist separate their body and to possibly go on after the body has died.

Even when I was an atheist, after I had let every thing else go, the one thing I struggled with was believing that when we died that was it. And believe me, at that time it was not because I secretly wanted to go on for ever- I actually liked the idea of ceasing to exist after death.

*Vuvuzela

My thoughts on heaven: If there is life after death we have to go somewhere. Everyone has their own interpretation of heaven. I just can't get an idea of heaven in my head and I am not sure I like the popular Christian idea of heaven. I don't know if it's because my Mom once told me I'd probably land up sitting by the gate for all eternity. For some reason I have more of a problem believing in heaven then I do in life after death. I could happily settle for our souls just becoming loose energy after we die if I didn't have the a strong feeling that there is a bigger picture- something that is so big we do not have the ability to compute it.

My interpretation of the Bible's "eternity":  I don't know if this will surprise you but I do read the bible rather a lot. As a historical document it is fascinating. I had been hearing about God my whole life from other people and had them telling me what I should believe in. I decided that I wanted to get to know God by myself and decide what I believe, I figured the best way to do that was read the bible. I actually love it.

In Revelations...(my least favorite part of the bible) 21 Paul talks about a " New Earth". My interpretation of the Bible's heaven/ eternity therefore is the earth made new and whole again. It will be just like the earth is today except absolutely perfect without any evil or pain. I have to say I like this idea better then the pearly gates stuff and there will be lots of places to hide from those...ahem...irritating fanatical Christians I spoke about in my previous post.

There seems to be a growing idea amongst Christians that when you die you go to a place of waiting... in other words not the real heaven. I think that this could be possible since in Revelations it says that God's kingdom will only be revealed on Christ's return. This belief mostly comes from Luke 23:43: When Jesus was on the cross the thief that was next to him asked His forgiveness and that Jesus would remember him. Jesus said to him, "Today you shall be with me in Paradise". People argue that because he didn't say "heaven" or "house of my Father" people go elsewhere when they die and we all go to heaven together.

A large part of my family is Seventh- Day Adventist, they believe that your soul "goes to sleep" and only awakens once Christ returns. I don't believe this.

But then....if you believe in heaven there's got to be the darker side....you know what I am talking about...The Eternal Barbecue, The Lake of Fire, HELL. I haven't thought much about hell in my life, for obvious reasons. I have been condemned to it more times than I can count, mostly by some very well meaning Christians. Because I haven't thought much about hell I don't have any definite thoughts. My Mom has an interesting belief, she does believe there is a hell now but she believes God will destroy it and that there will be a spiritual death of everyone that isn't saved (my mother is a born again Christian). She believes this because the she God she loves and has a personal relationship with is not capable of letting people suffer in agony for all eternity. I would love to believe this but I just know.

My hope is that one day I can resolve all my confusion and jumbled up ideas and have a belief and a faith that is strong an unwavering. I don't like the spiritual state I am in at the moment. I feel I either need to be for or against something...being in between is no good.

What I want heaven/ eternity to be: This is very simple and personal thing but bear with me...my idea of heaven is South Africa, the house we live in now. I would have my Mom young, carefree and playful again. My Dad before life did things to him, a dashing young man with great charm and the ability to make every one
roll around with laughter. My sister would never have had her heart broken and her and I would have a second chance at becoming best friends before our childhood tore us apart.

All our beloved pets that have passed on would be with us: Muffin, our Maltese "lady", "Cat" our first cat, Jock- not sure what he was!, the sheepdogs, Tosca and Sheba and of course my precious bunnies, Basil and Buttercup and my baby kitty, Milo.

Our house would be in the most peaceful, green valley. All our loved ones that had passed on would be with us, my best friend Karen would live down the road, not across the globe. And there would be perfect peace...no more death, no more sickness, no more fear, anger, war. And of course the would be loads of chocolate :)

Helix Nebula

Sometimes when I am really confused and I just can't seem to figure all this stuff out, I have to remember that the human brain, as incredible and advanced as it may seem,  has a limit to it's understanding. We cannot compute the infinite or how enormous something can really be because we just don't have that ability. Apparently the universe with it's stars, galaxies, nebulae, supernova's etc is never ending...it goes on forever. This is hard for even the best minds to imagine because we are sitting on a little planet that wouldn't even feature as a grain of sand if the universe was a beach.  What I have decided is to accept that there is a lot I can't know because I do not possess the ability to understand it. Somehow I just know- some would say against my better judgement that things do not end when we die.

One glorious day....

*This is something I wrote about a week ago in a sudden "fervor". Unfortunately moving house and no internet has delayed me in posting it

There is something in the atmosphere, an air of excitement and opportunity, I’m not really sure what it is but I feel like I am sitting in a deep pool and I need to jump up out of the water and grab whatever it is before the waves of depression pull me back down into the murky waters where thoughts of pain and suicide will cloud my vision of whatever it was that was holding it’s hand out to me.

It could be just the last dying embers of a month of euphoria spent in the whirlwind of the Soccer World cup, a dream come true for me. That is definitely part of it. But the real source is what has been happening to me the last few days and resulted in an eventually epiphany last night.

I have never mentioned this in this blog because, God knows, there is enough to mention. And to talk about this subject as well as continuing to write about my daily battles with depression and anxiety would just be a bit over the top. But if I can take a break from those musings and turn the subject to something that is just as close to my heart.

A year ago I started to go blind- my sight had been rapidly deteriorating for a while, I thought it might have been the result of high blood sugar- a good enough reason to go to the doctor. But being uninsured, broke and under the dangerous premise that “it will go away on its own” I left it. Then over a period of a month my sight drastically decreased, I became deaf in one ear, was throwing up everything I ate and was in the most awful pain. This was something that wouldn’t just go away and I finally told my mother.

I saw an ophthalmologist who discovered my optic nerves were badly swollen. Having always been faithful with my research I already knew what this could mean before he gently told me I would need an MRI to see if there was a brain tumor. The other possibility was fluid on the brain. We had to wait a week for my MRI appointment. My mother and sister were devastated. My Dad hid in his office for the week. I was calm- I didn’t feel anything, except the slight and sick humor that God, having seen my soul die in my breakdown in America, had finally decided to put me out of my misery. How selfish it was thinking like that. Of course there were the usual thoughts of what legacy I would leave behind if I had to die in a few months.

The day of the test came and all the calm I had evaporated when I saw the tiny hole where my head would go to conduct an MRI. The nurse was kind enough to give me a “magic” injection. There was no tumor or lesions on my brain. My family was relieved but that was short lived because in the days that followed, I was diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension. It is a disease that causes a massive amount of fluid to collect on the brain. They don’t know what causes it and there is no cure. They can manage the symptoms with a drug called Diamox and….regular therapeutic lumbar punctures or spinal taps to drain the fluid off the brain. Not only that- we were told the damage to my eyesight and hearing could be permanent.

I have had four lumbar punctures in total. I will never forget my first one- a psychiatry student could not get the fluid t to drain landed and up poking my spinal column four times before someone took over afterwards I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. The drug Diamox- which is also used for altitude sickness had the most horrible side effects. I could sleep for 18 hours a day and when awake was nothing else but a zombie. I had constant pins and needles in my hands and feet, it alterated my taste- Coke tasted like brandy!!. And always, always there was the never ending pain sometimes dehumanizing. I was confined to my house and loneliness enveloped me like a blanket.


In April this year I told my doctors that I had volunteered for the 2010 Soccer World Cup. They had already advised me against working and again advised me that doing the World Cup would be crazy. It had been a long time since I felt so stubborn and determined and I decided I was going to volunteer- even if I had to do it sitting down…or lying down. We were trying some knew drug combinations and I had actually started feeling better so I decided to have faith that it was going to work. The World Cup was hard, exhausting but ABSOLUTELY amazing- it turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever did. I have made friends and memories that will last a lifetime.


That ended nearly a month ago and last night was when I had my “epiphany”. I was cooking my Dad his birthday dinner and I started thinking about where I was this time last year. On my Dad’s birthday last year I had also cooked him a birthday dinner, but messed it up badly. It was right before my appointment with the ophthalmologist and I was at my worst. My sight was so bad I couldn’t see what I was doing. I couldn’t hear my grandmother calling for me. I was nauseous and I hurt so badly that I had to sit down every few minutes. But last night while again, cooking his birthday dinner, I realized that my sight was more than perfect, most of my hearing had been restored and I was absolutely pain free. I walked outside and saw the stars and I could hear the farm labourers laughing as they walked home for the night. I could see AND hear when the frying pan was burning

The last few days I had been reading bible stories from the Old Testament in my mother’s application bible. Most of these stories used to annoy me senseless in the infantile versions they were told in Sunday school. But the application bible has put them in a completely new light. Beautiful stories full of adventure, miracles and love that have been mysteriously renewed me and given me strength. If you read through this blog you’ll see that I’m a “Doubting Thomas” faith is a daily battle for me. I can go from believing God is there (but a big mystery), to believing that “something” is there but not sure what it is (agnostic ), to not believing in God or anything at all (atheist) and then back to believing again. I have tried to stop this cycle but I don’t know how.

Reading these stories I believe lead to my “light-bulb-Oprah” moment while standing at the stove. My light bulb moment: Without really realizing it, I had climbed a mountain- I was staring into the valley where I once was with a debilitating illness in front of me. An illness that nearly robbed me of my ability to see and hear. I hadn’t noticed because it happened so slowly.

I hope I am making sense here. But I am profoundly grateful for that experience. It has given me hope that over time, maybe without me even noticing it my battle with depression will be drawing to a close. Slowly everyday small steps are taken until one glorious day I’ll suddenly be staring into a valley that was my depression and realize that I am free.