Hysteria

I am sitting here with my cup of tea waiting for the popcorn. It is one of those golden afternoons on the farm. The house is bathed in warm sunlight and it is quiet except for the sound of the fridge and the birds. Milo is sunbathing. It is at times like these where I think life is good and depression seems like a distant memory. Yet no matter what season there is always this feeling that future is racing toward me and I am in no way prepared for it.

Last week my sister finally decided (or gained enough courage) to introduce us to her new boyfriend. When a male comes into our family it is a big deal. We are a family of women with the exception of my Dad and one lone male cousin (the best guy you could know). All of our men abandoned us years ago- I tell myself it's because they can't handle us. But the introduction of a new guy in our family has always meant one of two things...heartbreak or a new baby somewhere in the future. It happens every time like clockwork. It's like we have a curse on us. I hate it.

My sister's new boyfriend is a lovely guy but already the signs of trouble are there. He is three years younger than her and has a less than perfect past. I have now decided to be positive and supportive of her, but I can't get rid of the niggling feeling of impending doom. When she told us she was bringing him home last week I immediately made plans to be elsewhere. I panicked thinking "Oh no, not again! I won't go through it again!". Childish I know. It upset and hurt my sister and after a huge fight via Blackberry messenger, I agreed to stay.

Sitting with my Mom in the aftermath, I was trying to explain to her my overwhelming desire to get as far away from the family as I could. At some point I made the most ridiculous comparison of my life so far being like window shopping in a mall- there has always been glass between me and the things I want: success, happiness, love, peace. And all I have really done is looked at it but have never had it.

The hilarity and overwhelming sadness of what I was saying engulfed me all at once. Suddenly I began to both laugh and cry at the same time as each feeling inside me battled for control. The convulsions of both laughter and tears were so strong that I could no longer sit upright and so I collapsed into a quivering lump on the couch.

My Mom's face just made me laugh and cry harder. I could literally see her brain ticking away, trying to figure out what she should do. Eventually I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. She came and sat beside me and tried to hold me up. Milo was staring at me like I had gone nuts. I laughed/ cried for about 45 minutes.

I have no idea what that was or whether it was good or not. It's been a while since I was so out of control. Afterwards my face was red and puffy from crying and my asthma had been triggered from laughing. I spoke to my counsellor and she sounded it like hysteria. It might have been the fact that my doctors were meddling with my Amitriptyline Whatever it was it passed quickly and the next day it was like it never happened. I am ashamed of my attitude toward my sister having a boyfriend. You don't need to tell me that I am being unreasonable. But the past still has it's clutches deep inside us and I am still trying to figure out how to break free. I hope that by the end of my time on earth I won't be comparing my life to window shopping.

What's your happy pill???

When I left the hospital last week they gave me a nice little gift bag. This is what was inside:

Mmmmmn! This is about R1200 ( $177/ £109 ) worth of meds. I am very blessed in that in South Africa if you are unemployed, specifically in the Western Cape you get your meds free. I can't say the same for the US...I virtually went bankrupt trying to pay medical bills when I lived there.

Only two of these boxes contain my "happy pills"...antidepressants, the rest is for my BIH and one is to stabilize my shaky blood sugar. I take eleven and a half pills a day, most of them in the morning. When I am taking supplements ( these are VERY expensive in SA ) I can take up 10 pills in the morning alone- little B was always in awe of how I would be able swallow them all at once. Actually this would amaze everyone. I only take painkillers as a last resort...like say, when I'm blind. So those really don't factor into the equation.

The antidepressants I take are 50mg of Citalopram (brand name Celexa or Cipramil) and 25mg Amitriptyline - I take those for the headaches so I am not on a antidepressant dose. When I first started taking antidepressants in America I started on 20mg of Lexapro. The side effects of going on to antidepressants were really weird: a strong burning sensation on my face, neck, arms and chest, manic talking (just about ANYTHING would tumble out of my mouth), serious disassociation and really weird fevers!. Those are just the unusual side effects...I had all the usual side effects as well.

The long term side effects have been a little more unnerving. Both my long term and short term memory have taken a knock. In some cases with my long term memory it has been for the best, making some awful childhood memories seem more misty lessening their conscious impact on me. But for my short term memory it's another thing. I can't remember appointments, instructions or where I put things. I forget dates for assignments or what I even need to look at to remind me of assignment dates. Studying is a nightmare as I forget something as soon as I read it and I have trouble recalling something I have read a hundred times. This is not good as my exams start end of next month. The physical side effects, or those that are visible are weight gain ( I had to give away most of the fabulous clothes I bought in London), fatigue, thirst and sweating like a freakin' pig.

Then there is the emotional side of things. I still struggle with physical side of depression but I have no way of expressing any emotion because antidepressants have turned me into an emotionless, cold icicle. The only emotion I feel now days is anger and that's mostly when I am around my Dad. I can't cry, during the blue moon that I do cry it's only a couple of tears but I feel nothing. I don't feel happiness, sadness, contentedness, motivation just nothing, I just don't care. This has really perplexed and in many cases, hurt the people who knew me before my breakdown. They don't understand what has happened they can't accept that I have changed so a lot of those relationships have now grown apart and some have fallen by the wayside.

I am interested to know what meds some of you are on and what the positives and the negatives are...it's different for everyone so should be really interesting to compare.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded task of going into animal welfare and volunteering. I am looking forward to caring for the animals, also nervous as it can be really heartbreaking. But I am not looking forward to interacting with the "delightful social club" that are the other volunteers. They are really a miserable bunch of people and I don't want to spend even two minutes in their company but since they did save Milo's life I'm going to grin and bear it.

'Tis the season to be (exhausted, stressed, trapped, MURDEROUS) Jolly

WARNING: For those of you that are having a great holiday season or possess the Christmas spirit with all the warm fuzzy feelings that come with it, this will be an antidote and will most likely put in in a bad mood after reading.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!, as the song goes. Christmas carols are abound with "Parties for hosting marshmallows for toasting and caroling out in the snow" and then there is the "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, jack frost nipping at your nose". "All for "kids from one to ninety- two" blah blah , "Deck the halls with bells of FREAKING holly"

Bullshit! For one I live in a place where it isn't even winter at Christmas time- today the mercury reached 45C ( 113 F) in some areas where I live. Instead of playing in the snow, we play in the sand on a beach- if we live near to one. Most houses in South Africa are not built with air- conditioners, they are expensive and considered a luxury. So normally on Christmas day we are seeking a pool instead of a fire.

I could deal with that, I have been dealing with it my whole life. But what drives me bonkers at this time every year is that both fate and my family become almost uncivilised.

There is so much going that is causing us to be less than jolly- I might as well put it in point form. Note: This is a rant post some of the situations going on I can't help but be sarcastic about, but there are others that are truly tragic:

• My writing has gone to pooh, I don't know if it's because I feel uninspired due to serious depression, medication or if I am just burnt out with writer's block.  
• My parents and I are in serious debt- my parents under for the breakdown of their business AND my Dad's foolishness with money. As for me?. Let me just put it this way I was very young...overseas...with a credit card. Go figure.
• Because of the lack of money there will be no presents what so ever this year- even buying stuff for a lavish meal seems wrong  knowing that we owe so many people so much money.
• My grandmother who is in the final stages of Alzheimer's broke her hip nearly four months ago and has required round the clock care ever since then (She lives with us) because of this we have never really had the chance to unpack the huge old house we just moved into. This is just the year that my mother's best friend and her family have decided to come to us for Christmas ( we usually go to them ). So we are now in a massive hurry to fix, clean, unpack and decorate the house before Christmas Eve. Take note...this is all DIY.
• The above is in addition to all the cooking, baking and shopping that needs to be done.

On to the more serious stuff:

• I have just started Amitriptyline and am experiencing three of the side effects badly... dizziness, drowsiness and nausea. Add this to extreme headaches from my BIH and horrible depression- not a good mix.
• As I have said before my grandmother requires full time care. If you were ever present for a loved one in the final stages of Alzheimer's you will know the heartbreak, the horror, exhaustion, anger and frustration that goes with it. She takes up literally every minute of our day, we have to go through hearing her scream, shout and talk ALL the time. She can't form coherent sentences to communicate. She is terrified of being alone, yet when we come to her she doesn't know who we are. She's at home but she doesn't know where she is. She sees things that aren't there. Now and then she has lucid moments where she cries and cries her shame, she calls my mother by her childhood nickname and tells us she loves us. Moments later she will descend into darkness again and begin yelling and screaming.
• My Dad hates my Mom's sister
• My Mom's sister hates my Dad
• But my Mom still wants them to spend Christmas under the same roof...because it is "a time for family"
• My Dad's treatment of me has become worse and worse over the last couple of weeks. He thinks I use my depression as an excuse and the reason I am now suffering BIH is because I "did it to myself". He also has no regard for the fact that my meds have serious side effects. Therefore, like my sister, I get no support from him. His constant bullying and downright meanness are wearing me, down making me bitter. My mission to forgive him of the physical and emotional abuse he inflicted on my older siblings and I in the past, is becoming almost impossible. One thing I will still blog about is the part he had to play in my addiction to food and I can tell you right now it is bad. E.g He saw me in the kitchen just now with something in my mouth. The ssarcasm was literally dripping when he said, "Eating again, are we?" and he was getting ready to launch into a full diatribe with the sole purpose to make me feel like crap when I cut him off short, "No Dad, I'm just taking my meds" and I took a huge gulp of water to swallow the ten tablets I had in my mouth.

All of the above mentioned is happening right now....with Josh Groban's Christmas CD playing in the background. Now you know why I said fate as well as my family can be almost uncivilised this time of year. We are a family of misfortune, but it is funny how some of the worst misfortune will save itself until Christmas. And we are all driving each other crazy!.

As depressing as this may sound the perfect Christmas for me would be to be holed up in a deserted house (my sister's flat in Cape Town is the only possibility) with a bag of Quality Street , a take away and a few Christmas DVDs and spend Christmas all by myself with the space and freedom to reminisce on the good and the bad, to cry and to sleep.

I am praying to God to help us, help me through this time. I am praying for strength to be there for people in my family that need me and to take care of myself at the same time. Tonight my mother and I are putting together a shopping list of food we need to buy. Tomorrow I start my marathon of baking as well as trying to turn the dinning room from a storeroom back into a dinning room again. I used to be the biggest Christmas spirit of all time I pray that in all this I will find it again :).

My two days in hospital

I wasn't in hospital per se- I basically went home to sleep- Thank God. But I have had to spend the past two days here:

Tygerberg hospital, the 2nd largest hospital in the world...otherwise known as a big- ass state hospital with passages over a mile long. And we walked up and down these passages from Neurology to Psychiatry and back again "conveniently" located on two opposite ends of the hospital. To give you an idea of the length of said passages:

Note how the lights kinda disappear into oblivion

Stopping for a break halfway through

I've said it before on this blog....whatever sadist designed this hospital- knowing that sick patients would have to walk the length of these passages- should be shot. My mom tells me that when this hospital was being built, in the 1970's there was great excitement as it was to be a "high tech" facility with "breakthrough technology"....as you can see that is no longer the case.

As I have also said before, I am truly grateful for the medical care that I am getting- it isn't fancy or comfortable but it has saved my life. I would be blind if it wasn't for neurology and the employment policy at this hospital has ensured that my Dad doesn't have to fork out half his pension each month for my meds (seriously) I get them for free. Not only that, when I think of the lack of medical care some of my fellow South Africans have and  how hundreds of thousands of people on the African continent die each year because they have no medical care. I am so thankful.

But because I am thankful it doesn't mean I have to just love everything about this hospital and it doesn't mean that certain things don't make me very, very angry.

I saw something yesterday that was the absolute last straw and made me absolutely livid... take a look:

See, I made it extra large. Not very spectacular right? . Looks like some construction going on.

Well here is the story. It was going to be a long wait for the neurologist so the ward secretary suggested that my Mom and I go have some coffee (aka coffee- flavoured water). On our way to the cafeteria we passed the "new" psychiatric ward. Whenever I pass the psychiatric ward I can't help but stop, there is always a whirlwind of emotion that goes through my head. Thoughts like, "Will I ever land up here?" "What has stopped me from becoming like the people in this ward?" "What will push me over the edge" race through my head.

Almost immediately after we stopped my Mom and I were caught up by the most disgusting smell and it seemed to be coming from the ward. I went up to the door and peered through the crack, the passage was deserted, the atmosphere radiating out of that door was eery. When I turned to walk back I saw that the side doors leading into a courtyard were open and there were a whole lot of flies buzzing in and out of the door. The source of the dreadful smell was that pile of rubbish in the picture above.... RIGHT NEXT TO THE PSYCHIATRY WARD!!!!. I walked a little closer...I'm telling you people the smell was putrid. The pile of rubbish was actually a lot bigger than depicted in the picture it consisted of wood, rubble, plastic, paper and then food in various stages of decay and other green, black and grey slimy things that I really didn't care to get any closer to. Basically it was a pile of sewage. You cannot see the flies in the picture but believe me they were having a field day

I was in so much pain in these pictures, both physically and emotionally, seeing this awful mess- a total lack of respect for human beings who are unable to help themselves- blew away the paper thin barrier holding back a total meltdown. That they have placed these people in underground, in the bowels of the hospital where no one has to see or hear them, away from sunlight, is bad enough. Dumping a pile of stinking rubbish outside their window that could possibly cause further distress and disease takes the bullshit cake. My mother reacted as any loving mother would by getting me out of there as soon as possible. I plan to write some newspapers about this and obviously complain to the hospital.

I guess really should give an update on my BIH, depression and GAD. The first day I saw a psychiatrist (aka doctor studying to be a psychiatrist). I knew right from the start that this was going to be a useless appointment. I told her that things did get better for a while, but after the break with my psychologist they are now worse than ever, I didn't get a chance to tell her I had been suicidal again because she cut me off and told me that "We don't really want to put you on more medication (I already knew that), I think you should go see a psychologist". That's what I have been doing you stupid woman... did you even listen?!. The outcome of the appointment was that they will try and get me to see a psychiatrist at a hospital closer to me and I go back in March, no doubt to see a different doctor studying to be a psychiatrist.

On to Neurology... a lot of time was spent trying to track down my neurologist (aka a doctor studying to be a neurologist)- they close for the Christmas holidays. Eventually my Mom had him paged and spoke to him on the phone where she demanded that he come in to see me. I was told to come in the next day. We were there bright and early the next morning and  waited for four hours to find that my neurologist and palmed me off on his buddy- surprise, surprise the dude that performed or should I say messed up my lumbar- puncture (spinal tap) three weeks ago. How- ahem- happy I was to see him.

This is where it starts to get funny- he refused to see me with my mother, telling her he would chat to her afterwards ( she had wanted to throttle him after my lumbar- puncture). Judging by the look on her face I immediately began to feel sorry....for him. When he asked what had been going on with me I stifled the urge yell, "You f**king mutilated my spine, you dumbass" and calmly told him that I had been extremely ill since the LP and I still had enormously painful headaches accompanied by dizziness, nausea and extreme fatigue. Meanwhile outside...where my Mom was listening through a hole in the door, in came strolling my neurologist. Poor guy... my Mom pounced like a cat on a bird. I could hear her threw the door and immediately fell sorry for whoever was on the other side of her wrath.

Dude checked my eyes- found my optic nerves weren't swollen, although they did appear scared. He asked me a few questions but I already knew what he was thinking: He didn't have a clue what was wrong and that most likely my depression was to blame. We spoke about surgery and it turns out that although my spinal pressure was high, they will not be doing surgery at this stage. I then told him nonchalantly, "So I guess  it's all in my mind then" He didn't really know what to say but eventually said "It's real to you- that's what matters" I told him good luck with my Mom. He told me I was a sweet girl.

We went back out into the passage where Mr. Neurologist had amazingly been able to calm my mother down. We stood talking for a while with him and Dude doctor. The compassionate side of them eventually emerged when Dude doctor said, " I would say now that your BIH is under control but your depression is definitely out of control". It was probably the only thing Dude doctor was able to hit the nail on the head about. Immediately I began tearing up and it was that that put them into action. They called in the psychiatry rotater and for a while there was some finger pointing going on. Neurology were telling Psychiatry that my problem was clearly psychological. Psychiatry were telling Neurology that it was clearly neurological. Somewhere between all of this I began to think about Homer Simpsom...for some reason. Eventually the heads of both departments got involved, seeing them trying to meet each other half way to find a solution was interesting. Eventually it was decided by everyone to put me on Amitriptyline an anti- depressant used a lot by neurology for management of migraines. I have been on it before. Needless to say my Mom was not happy- another pill. I have to go back for another eye test in January and will hopefully have my checkup the same day.

In between all this we found this little guy:

 The pictures don't really do justice to how very tiny this little sweetheart was. His name is Joshua and he was born prematurely. He is a month old and only weighs 2.2kg (4lbs 8oz). He has to wear dolls clothes because he is so tiny. When this picture was taken he was about to have surgery for cataracts on both eyes. His mother was beaming with pride and loved showing him off. We told her that he will be a piano player one day because his miniature hands have such long fingers and he held onto my finger with the most amazing strength.

You see it's this that I am grateful for. Tygerberg with it's stinking rubbish heaps, disintegrating walls, rude staff, toilet paperless bathrooms, looong waits and befuddled student doctors, kept this little boy alive and will give him the ability to see. There will always be things to be thankful for, even in a pile of ashes.

,



My hope for the flowers Part 6: My flower power

*Drug names contain links to wikipedia

My drug’s. In those early days I clung to them like a lifeline. They were brutal but were the only thing that stood between me and the edge. They were my shield against insanity. I trusted them so immensely. But after all these years I know that this is not a very healthy attitude to have. I believe they can treat the symptoms. But they are not a cure, the core of the problem is still there and it’s up to me to deal with that.

I have learnt that there are two types of depression: Reaction depression- this can occur after an extremely stressful incident like the death of a loved one and Chemical depression- which is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. In some cases a person can suffer from both and this was my case. I have often wondered if my reaction depression caused my chemical depression but have been told there is no link. Still, I wonder why my brain flipped out for no apparent reason.
These are the meds that I have taken for my condition:

1. Lexapro
2. Xanax
3. Effexor
4. Citalopram
5. Molypaxin
5. Amitryptiline

LEXAPRO
Lots of fancy names up there, I’m thankful the list isn’t to long. The first one is Lexapro. It is mostly used in the treatment of clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Teenagers and young adults Typical side effects are insomnia or fatigue and drowsiness, diarrhoea or constipation, increased sweating and decreased libido. The side effects I had were headaches, fatigue, constipation, increased sweating (lovely..) and the weirdest of all, a burning sensation on the skin of my face, neck and arms- it felt like my skin had been sun burnt even though it wasn’t. My doctor gave me a sample pack with a weeks supply of 10mg pills. I also felt really shaky, but I think it was because I was still recovering from the anxiety assault I had endured for the past few weeks. Another strange side effect that I had was excessive talking, although none of the websites I’ve been on listed this as a side effect, but in the patient reports I’ve read this is not uncommon. It eventually went away. All the side effects except the excessive sweating went away. In hindsight I believed that the Lexapro really helped me but unfortunately it was badly managed. I also learned recently that Lundbeck-a company that I worked for in the UK a few years ago- developed this drug. Weird.
http://www.lexapro.com/

XANAX
My doctor prescribed me Xanax the same time I went onto Lexapro. Xanax is a benzodiazepine (sedatives). It is generally used as short term treatment for a Panic disorder or anxiety disorder. It has a long list of side effects, the side effects that I got was drowsiness, dizziness, impaired coordination (trying to dial a number was a mission), slurred speech, dry mouth and short term memory loss- and my doc had only prescribed 0.5mg!.Nevertheless I LOVED this drug. Mostly because it took the pain away and saved me from the unbearable anxiety onslaught I had been experiencing. Within 15 minutes of taking 2 pills I would feel all light and floaty and all warm and fuzzy inside. The feeling that I was going to die was still there but the paralysing fear was gone and my attitude was, “Hell we all have to go sometime!”. Unfortunately this drug is addictive- before my doctor gave me a prescription she asked me weather I had any alcoholics in the family, to which the answer was yes but since it was neither of my parents she was happy to give me the prescription. I also became accustomed to this drug very quickly- after 2 weeks of use. I can see why this would be addictive. Luckily I was of a sound enough mind and was responsible in taking it. There is also extended release Xanax called Xanax XR where you take one pill a day
http://www.xanax.com/

EFFEXOR
I am going to try and be as objective about this drug as possible… The side effects: headache ,nausea ,insomnia ,sexual dysfunction ,dry mouth ,dizziness ,sweating, decreased Appetite, abnormal ejaculation ,hypertension ,Vivid/Abnormal dreams , akathisia, decreased libido, increased yawning , apathy, constipation, ongoing Irritable Bowel Syndrome, fatigue, vertigo, orthostatic hypotension (postural drop in blood pressure), impulsive actions, electric shock-like sensations also called "Brain zaps", increased anxiety at the start of treatment, memory Loss, and Restless Legs Syndrome. I had ALL of these symptoms except for abnormal ejaculation (obviously). The story was when I went to see my doctor for a follow up I mentioned that the Lexapro was giving me headaches, which gave her the idea to switch to Effexor. She gave me a prescription for 37.5mg, which I was to start taking immediately (no weaning of the Lexapro) After a week I was to increase the dosage to 70mg. That’s right 70mg after a month of taking just 10mg of Lexapro. My psychiatrist nearly fell off her chair when I told her this. It was a recipe for disaster. Within a week I had turned into a homicidal, suicidal maniac. Never in my life had I ever been so angry or so out of control. I really felt I had the ability to kill someone. My hair began falling out, my gums bleed, my eczema flared up and when I wasn’t being a hostile bitch I was as confused as hell. Eventually my best friend, the main receiptant of my rage onslaughts, broke down and told me to sort myself out. My doctor put me back on Lexapro. The change was instantaneous but it was a huge setback in my recovery.

There is no doubt of the benefits of Effexor in treating major depression, anxiety and social disorders and I do know people that Effexor has really helped. But people should be aware of the fact that it has some pretty heavy side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Right now there is a online petition, started by patients who were not informed of these effects.
http://www.effexorxr.com/

CITALOPRAM
This drug is also marketed commercially as Celexa or Cipramil. There is nothing much I can say about this drug. Which is actually a good thing. It was costing me around $83 a month on Lexapro and it wasn’t out on generic yet so my doc switched me to the generic, citalopram- of which Lexapro was an updated version. The side effects are fatigue, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating (hyperhidrosis), trembling, headache, dizziness, excessive yawning, sleep disturbances, insomnia, cardiac arrhythmia, bruxism, hallucinations, blood pressure changes, nausea and/or vomiting, diarrhea, heightened anorgasmia in females, impotence and ejaculatory problems in males. I didn’t really get any side effects, the only effects I now experience on antidepressants is fatigue. I am still on citalopram today, over time the effects of the drug started to diminish. In the end my psychiatrist increased the dosage from 20mg to 40mg. In time I may have to go up to 60mg.
http://www.celexa.com/

MOLIPAXIN
In my opinion this drug wasn’t very necessary. It was prescribed to me by my new doctor after I broke down and started bawling in her office (a great way it seems to get new drugs but very embarrassing).I was back in South Africa and trying desperately to lose the “American bulge” I had gained. She prescribed Molipaxin to me for three reasons: lose weight (apparently one of the side effects), help me sleep and make me happy. The only thing it helped me to do was sleep…and sleep. She prescribed 50mg so I could just experience the side effects. The antidepressant dosage was 150mg. The side effects are drowsiness, nausea/vomiting, headache and dry mouth with a few adverse side effects. The only side effect I had was to sleeeeeeeep. I would take 1 capsule at about 9pm, go to bed at 10 (normally because I was walking into walls by then) and could sleep until 11 or 12pm the next day AND sometimes take a nap in the late afternoon. Eventually I had to stop taking it when I was diagnosed with Benign Intercranial Hypertension and began taking Diamox ( a WHOLE other blog post but NOT an effect of Molipaxin) because I was sleeping 18- 20 hours a day!.
http://www.inhousepharmacy.co.uk/anti-depressants/desyrel-information.html

AMITRIPTYLINE
Also marketed as Elavil, Tryptizol, Laroxyl and Sarotex. This was another effort by my neurologist to make me happy even though I was pretty sure the only thing I needed to was to increase the Citalopram I was already on. It was perscribed to me to help with the headaches I was experiencing with BIH, to help me sleep and to help my depression. From what I have read it is more of a short term solution and shouldn’t be taken for longer than three months. Side effects are weight gain, dry mouth, changes in appetite, drowsiness, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention, insomnia and changes in sexual function (basically sex + antidepressants = no sex). Again the only side effect I got was to…sleeeeeeep. It didn’t really help with the headaches or the depression though. Eventually I met my psychiatrist who weaned me off Amitriptyline and increased my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. Finally I was happy…somewhat.
http://amitriptylines.com/

Well that, in a coconut shell, has been my experience with antidepressants. I still feel that they should be used as a last resort, once you are on these drugs it is pretty hard to get off them. It is only when you are unable to perform the normal functions of your life that and/or all other efforts have been exhausted that they should be brought into the picture and managed closely by a docter or psychiatrist. Don't let your doctor give you the pills and just brush you off- schedule a follow up. At the same time question everything they give you. Research it- most medications have websites, but also read patient experiences with the drug. Try stick it out through the side effects- these will go away after a few weeks. You will know when something is not normal. I knew the first day I took Effexor something was wrong. If your doc doesn't agree with you, find someone else.

Most importently if you are experiencing ANY suicidal thoughts or abnormal thinking patterns while on antidepressants, STOP taking the drug and get to your doctor IMMEDIATELY

That's all for now folks, have a good day!