Moving along...

So the last blog post was something I didn't exactly plan. It was meant to be an update of all that has been happening since last year. But the absolute irony of what happened and the storm of emotions that followed was something I had to get out by writing.

Anyway, moving on...

Like I said before I don't know who still reads this blog but I have been largely absent for the past nine months. Because of that I probably have lost a lot of readers. It doesn't really bother me, I don't regret the time I had away and a lot of it was beyond my control.

In September last year our service provider got fed up with replacing the telephone lines that had gotten nicked over and over again. This is a problem in South Africa, people steel the telephone lines for the copper. The service provider eventually refused to install new lines. This meant no Internet for me other than what I had on my BlackBerry. Trying to post from my BlackBerry was a mission since the email post option didn't work very well. So I just thought "Screw it" and took a break. There have been a lot of changes in my life since then so for anyone that is still reading or interested here they are...

My baby boy Milo disappeared before Christmas last year. Milo had been spending more and more time away from my house as he seemed to be more interested in having adventures with his brothers. Eventually he only came home to eat and for a quick snuggle before setting off again. I knew I was not going to be living in the area much longer and would soon have to make a very difficult decision on what was best for Milo. But sadly I didn't have to. Milo would come home to eat but one day he just stopped coming. His brothers also disappeared we searched the area for all of them but they had vanished without a trace. We later heard that seven different cats from the farm had gone missing and someone had sighted a mountain cat- there are only two or three in the mountains where we lived. I hate to think about it so I rather would like to think that Milo and his brothers found a field with lots of mice and butterflies for them to chase. I was so heartbroken at loosing Milo...I don't think he ever forgave me for the time he broke his leg- he completely changed after that.

Since January I've moved three times. I have discovered that I do not take moving very well. It causes so much anxiety and instability in me that I become virtually useless and am prone to panic attacks. This is very surprising since I have lived in three different countries and the vast majority of my childhood was characterised by moving. The last move was significant in that after three years I have finally moved out of my parents house and onto my own. Earlier this year a friend of mine moved into a house where she needed to tutor a little girl for an hour a day in exchange for room and board and one meal every day. She soon grew tired of having children around her twenty- four- seven and offered the room to me and moved back home.

The house has got to be the oddest I have every seen. My room is very large with a bathroom that has a shower so small I need to open the door just to be able to wash properly. The house has a interesting history. It was bought by an American tycoon for his son who he later disinherited for marrying a stripper...who kept on stripping. My room was used to coach newly hired strippers on their technique. The two stripe poles where removed before my friend moved in but the floor still carries a reminder. The disinherited son later had to flee because he was wanted for questioning in a murder investigation ( he gave the gun that was used in the murder to the suspect as payment for "garden work" bet he regrets that) and agreed for the family that I am living with now to stay in the house rent free as both parents had just been retrenched from their jobs.

The family I live with are very nice, a little rough around the edges. The Dad who is a boat builder, cooks sometimes delicious and sometimes disastrous suppers that we all eat together in the kitchen and the wine is free flowing!. There are two children, a nine year old boy and a ten year old girl which is the one I tutor. Since I started with her about a month ago, I have started to strongly suspect that she is either dyslexic or ADD or both. It is a massive struggle for her to read and write and instead of spending just an hour a day with her I am spending four or five hours with her. It's tough and I feel for her, she knows somethings wrong and she genuinely wants to learn and do well. I am just waiting for the right time to broach the subject with her parents about getting her help. She is writing exams right now and it is just hectic.

Unfortunately three weeks after I moved in I found a notice from the sheriff taped onto our gate telling us that the house was being auctioned off by the bank because disinherited son had gone through all his inheritance and was now defaulting on his mortgage payments. Fortunately for us, it is very hard to evict someone in South Africa on account of the country having so many homeless people and squatters. So even if the house gets sold we have more rights than the actual buyer and the buyer by law, actually has to find us a new place to live. We also plan on evoking "Squatters Rights" ( yes they have rights)...I can picture my high- flying sister gasping in shock if she had to hear that. It sucks that I may have to move so soon after having just gotten settled.

As for work, after six months of being unemployed...I am STILL unemployed.I had a temp job covering maternity leave that come to an end in December. Employment is a real problem in South Africa. If you are a teacher, a lawyer or a doctor jobs are plentiful but most of these professionals head for foreign countries where there are more benefits, better salaries, less crime and the cost of living isn't so high. As for everyone else, South Africa for workers is a bit like Hollywood for wannabe actors and actresses. Most people here get jobs through word of mouth...it's who you know and all about being in the right place at the right time. It is vital to start building your connections starting even in high school, to get ahead. It is not unheard of to hear of someone with university degrees and even PhD's being unemployed for six months and struggling to find a job. As my connections are not exactly up to par looking for a job has been like banging my head against a brick wall.

My sister has sub-contracted me on her copy writing work and is giving me a small salary for my trouble. It is good for buying food and maybe a pair of jeans and a movie here and there, but if I had to pay rent I would be screwed. I am still studying and will be doing that full time through correspondence from July. It is ironic...I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life as I have been doing so now...and I am the poorest I have ever been.

Anyway this has gotten a little long and I hope I haven't bored anyone to tears. I will have to break this update up into two parts as there have been two "happenings" that have had a massive impact on me this year and are very emotional to talk about.

Stay tuned....

Hysteria

I am sitting here with my cup of tea waiting for the popcorn. It is one of those golden afternoons on the farm. The house is bathed in warm sunlight and it is quiet except for the sound of the fridge and the birds. Milo is sunbathing. It is at times like these where I think life is good and depression seems like a distant memory. Yet no matter what season there is always this feeling that future is racing toward me and I am in no way prepared for it.

Last week my sister finally decided (or gained enough courage) to introduce us to her new boyfriend. When a male comes into our family it is a big deal. We are a family of women with the exception of my Dad and one lone male cousin (the best guy you could know). All of our men abandoned us years ago- I tell myself it's because they can't handle us. But the introduction of a new guy in our family has always meant one of two things...heartbreak or a new baby somewhere in the future. It happens every time like clockwork. It's like we have a curse on us. I hate it.

My sister's new boyfriend is a lovely guy but already the signs of trouble are there. He is three years younger than her and has a less than perfect past. I have now decided to be positive and supportive of her, but I can't get rid of the niggling feeling of impending doom. When she told us she was bringing him home last week I immediately made plans to be elsewhere. I panicked thinking "Oh no, not again! I won't go through it again!". Childish I know. It upset and hurt my sister and after a huge fight via Blackberry messenger, I agreed to stay.

Sitting with my Mom in the aftermath, I was trying to explain to her my overwhelming desire to get as far away from the family as I could. At some point I made the most ridiculous comparison of my life so far being like window shopping in a mall- there has always been glass between me and the things I want: success, happiness, love, peace. And all I have really done is looked at it but have never had it.

The hilarity and overwhelming sadness of what I was saying engulfed me all at once. Suddenly I began to both laugh and cry at the same time as each feeling inside me battled for control. The convulsions of both laughter and tears were so strong that I could no longer sit upright and so I collapsed into a quivering lump on the couch.

My Mom's face just made me laugh and cry harder. I could literally see her brain ticking away, trying to figure out what she should do. Eventually I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. She came and sat beside me and tried to hold me up. Milo was staring at me like I had gone nuts. I laughed/ cried for about 45 minutes.

I have no idea what that was or whether it was good or not. It's been a while since I was so out of control. Afterwards my face was red and puffy from crying and my asthma had been triggered from laughing. I spoke to my counsellor and she sounded it like hysteria. It might have been the fact that my doctors were meddling with my Amitriptyline Whatever it was it passed quickly and the next day it was like it never happened. I am ashamed of my attitude toward my sister having a boyfriend. You don't need to tell me that I am being unreasonable. But the past still has it's clutches deep inside us and I am still trying to figure out how to break free. I hope that by the end of my time on earth I won't be comparing my life to window shopping.

Milo- First six months on the blue planet

I don't know when exactly Milo was born but we are estimating that it was the end of December/ beginning of January this year. His mother had back to back litters in a hole under the farm workshop. I heard that the kittens from the litter before Milo's had suffered cruel fate which I won't go into. It seems that fate literally dropped him into our laps- how strange that we happened to be driving on the same road at the exact same time Milo's mother was carrying him across. We had actually meant to be home earlier that day but were delayed for some reason I can't remember. I was told to take him because they shoot stray cats on the farm where I live because they rent some of their land to an organic chicken farm. How anyone could shoot a kitten is beyond me and I became furious and told the farm manager that he was to bring any stray cats to me and I would take them to the SPCA. I threatened to lay charges and go to our local newspaper. I think he found that more funny than threatening but obviously I must of made an impression because he started to feed Milo's mother and her remaining kittens. As far as I know they are still hanging out at his house but they are feral and he plans to take them to the SPCA once he has tamed them.

We have also seen a cat that we are sure is Milo's father- he has exactly the same colouring. This cat has to be one of the most enormous cats I have ever seen. Comparing Milo with his siblings, he was almost twice their size. So this is going to be one BIG kitty that we'll have on our hands.

It's only once I looked at the photo's I have been taking of him over these past months that I realise now how much he has grown. When he started out his ears looked to big for his face. He is now going through what I hope is just a phase of being really aggressive- attacking people's  feet with no warning. It feels like we are disciplining a two year old.

Anyway, despite his stubbornness and tough-boy persona, I have really grown to love this silly kitty and I hope and pray he will be with us for many years to come. I have posted a whole big bunch of pics of Milo from when I first found him to how he is today.

Hours after I found him- a very scruffy and flea-bitten kitty (not a very flattering picture of my nose!)

He liked to cuddle and go to sleep when in the car

Keeping the kitty in the mirror company

He is alseep here! He fell asleep while licking his butt!!

Loves his favorite toy- a teddy I've had since I was born.

This may look cute but he attacked me seconds after this was taken.

Bedtime

Chewing on my nose

Back from the hospital and very scrawny and skinny, he's made up for it though!

Cats seem to be very specific on how they drink water

Lazy ass

"By standing in front of the computer screen, I'm sure I'll helping Mom study!"

Why are cats so weird?

"I love making a mess and watching Mom clean up YEAH!"

I'm I the only that finds it a little freaky that he insists on watching me bath?

"I've discovered the roof"

"Now if only I can discover how to get down!"

What's your happy pill???

When I left the hospital last week they gave me a nice little gift bag. This is what was inside:

Mmmmmn! This is about R1200 ( $177/ £109 ) worth of meds. I am very blessed in that in South Africa if you are unemployed, specifically in the Western Cape you get your meds free. I can't say the same for the US...I virtually went bankrupt trying to pay medical bills when I lived there.

Only two of these boxes contain my "happy pills"...antidepressants, the rest is for my BIH and one is to stabilize my shaky blood sugar. I take eleven and a half pills a day, most of them in the morning. When I am taking supplements ( these are VERY expensive in SA ) I can take up 10 pills in the morning alone- little B was always in awe of how I would be able swallow them all at once. Actually this would amaze everyone. I only take painkillers as a last resort...like say, when I'm blind. So those really don't factor into the equation.

The antidepressants I take are 50mg of Citalopram (brand name Celexa or Cipramil) and 25mg Amitriptyline - I take those for the headaches so I am not on a antidepressant dose. When I first started taking antidepressants in America I started on 20mg of Lexapro. The side effects of going on to antidepressants were really weird: a strong burning sensation on my face, neck, arms and chest, manic talking (just about ANYTHING would tumble out of my mouth), serious disassociation and really weird fevers!. Those are just the unusual side effects...I had all the usual side effects as well.

The long term side effects have been a little more unnerving. Both my long term and short term memory have taken a knock. In some cases with my long term memory it has been for the best, making some awful childhood memories seem more misty lessening their conscious impact on me. But for my short term memory it's another thing. I can't remember appointments, instructions or where I put things. I forget dates for assignments or what I even need to look at to remind me of assignment dates. Studying is a nightmare as I forget something as soon as I read it and I have trouble recalling something I have read a hundred times. This is not good as my exams start end of next month. The physical side effects, or those that are visible are weight gain ( I had to give away most of the fabulous clothes I bought in London), fatigue, thirst and sweating like a freakin' pig.

Then there is the emotional side of things. I still struggle with physical side of depression but I have no way of expressing any emotion because antidepressants have turned me into an emotionless, cold icicle. The only emotion I feel now days is anger and that's mostly when I am around my Dad. I can't cry, during the blue moon that I do cry it's only a couple of tears but I feel nothing. I don't feel happiness, sadness, contentedness, motivation just nothing, I just don't care. This has really perplexed and in many cases, hurt the people who knew me before my breakdown. They don't understand what has happened they can't accept that I have changed so a lot of those relationships have now grown apart and some have fallen by the wayside.

I am interested to know what meds some of you are on and what the positives and the negatives are...it's different for everyone so should be really interesting to compare.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded task of going into animal welfare and volunteering. I am looking forward to caring for the animals, also nervous as it can be really heartbreaking. But I am not looking forward to interacting with the "delightful social club" that are the other volunteers. They are really a miserable bunch of people and I don't want to spend even two minutes in their company but since they did save Milo's life I'm going to grin and bear it.

Look who's back!

Favorite cuddle toy and blanky

Sleeps with one eye open

Just wants a cuddle



Poor baby's leg- it's been shaved and you can still see the incisions



I brought Milo home last Thursday, he spent nearly three weeks at the animal welfare recovering after surgery to back his leg. We went to fetch him a week ago as planned, but he had "complications" and his leg needed to be re- bandaged. He's is very skinny now and his leg really looks scrawny and pathetic. Apparently the break was so bad they had considered amputating his leg. It looks good but he still has swelling to his joint. Naturally he's still limping and whenever he sits he sit with his leg out straight. If you dare touch his leg or even look like you are thinking about touching it he will go for you.

Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful to the welfare for taking care of him especially to the woman that paid for his operation (I have to pay her back) but I am also a little suspicious and downright annoyed. Suspicious because Milo had to spend an extra week at the welfare because his hip was apparently dislocated. Both by Dad and I examined Milo closely before we took him to the welfare and nothing appeared to be dislocated. He was also examined by two different vets, had x - rays and the person who operated on him was an orthopedic vet. You would think someone would have noticed a dislocated hip. We believe that Milo was probably injured when they were trying to take his cast off. Apparently he went berserk when they were doing this so it wouldn't surprise me if this happened. The welfare has been really sketchy about everything.

I am annoyed because- despite the welfare being very sketchy about everything- they have treated my Mom and I like dirt. I have come to the conclusion that there really is such a thing as a person that will get on better with animals than with humans. This particular welfare is full of these people. Seriously, they don't even know how to greet people, everyone that has visited that place comes out looking pissed off. I have a feeling the lady that helped us suffered a lot of flak for what she did and it really did feel like they were hell bent on getting their revenge.

I guess though, the only thing that matters is that they do they're jobs and I will say they are very loving and kind to their animals. Yes I am still going to volunteer, I have given my word but I am absolutely dreading it. I haven't been in a  volatile "outside" situation for a while and I feel really vulnerable. I know that I should be used to it from dealing with my Dad on an everyday basis but it's different with strangers.

I am so happy to have Milo home. Right now he's curled up asleep in front of my keyboard. I had gotten so used to having him sleep with me, I was surprised how lonely it was when he was gone. He is exactly the same as he was before except more affectionate, mostly with my Mom. And he's walking and running and back to climbing up trees. Pets can be a real pain in the butt but when they are gone they leave a massive hole.



Milo the trooper! Me the pooper!

I feel like I am over blogging this week but I just wanted to let everyone know that Milo had his surgery this morning and it went very well. He is awake, eating and trying to move around. Unfortunately he has to be kept absolutely still for 7 days in a cage. I have never seen him still for longer than 7 seconds and we don't own a cage so he will have to remain at the welfare for the rest of the week. We live half an hour away from the welfare so I actually haven't seen my baby boy since I brought him in on Saturday and I have this weird fear that he will have forgotten who I am already. I will be seeing him tomorrow though.

I didn't want to go into hospital today until I had heard about Milo and by the time we had, it was really to late to go. This might not have been very wise but I have been steadily losing faith in those people. Despite the tremendous pain I have had since my lumbar puncture/ spinal tap last Wednesday, I have also gone deaf in one ear and become exhausted by doing the simplest of tasks like making lunch!!. What a crime it is for a girl in her mid- twenties...who once lead the high life living in London, very active, social etc to have been reduced to this.  I f**king won't accept this!. What type of a life is this to live?. For those of you that are mothers you can only imagine what it has been like for my mother to watch this happen.

Thank- you again for all your support, it means the world to me :)

Update on my baby Milo: A very weird story

Milo's tail is not broken just very bruised but unfortunately he has suffered a very bad break to his back fema and they will have to do surgery on him tomorrow to insert pins. They say that it is good that he is still very young because his bones are still soft and have better chance of healing normally.

The surgery alone will cost R2500 ( about 360USD ) and they require a 50% deposit before they even do the surgery. Hearing this news yesterday was like a death sentence....until my Mom and I get a job money has been quite tight and we just couldn't come up with that amount especially in such a short space of time so the only other alternative was to put him down which is what my Dad was lobbying for- he said he would not pay for surgery for a cat. My poor Mom burst into tears when I told her the news- she feels so responsible even though it is not her fault. She spent most of yesterday phoning around to all sorts of weird and wonderful places and foundations to see if we could get it done for less but that R2500 is WITH the animal welfare discount.

I became desperate- I was meant to be in bed but landed up laying on the floor next to my Mom as listening as each place she phoned turned us down. I actually felt nothing- something I can maybe contribute to the high dose of antidepressants I'm on, but my pain only got worse as the day wore on. I resolved that I was not going to let my cat die, I gathered up everything I had of value- my camcorder and camera printer my aunt gave me, my guitar I've had since I was a little girl, the gold charm bracelet my mother gave me for my 21st and was going to pawn them first thing this morning. I was even going to steal the 2nd microwave my Mom has. I told my Mom to phone back that bloody woman from animal welfare and tell her I would work for free to pay it off.

My Mom phoned her and spelled it out that we just did not have the money but we were not going to let our baby die so we were planning to pawn things and I would be willing to work for them. The woman did change her tune when she heard I was willing to work but she said it was not them I had to pay it was the vet.

This morning my Mom phoned this same woman back again...I don't know the details of the conversation  but she told my Mom she was willing pay for the surgery herself and we could pay her back. This is the same cow that snapped "This is not a free service" when I first brought Milo in. I don't know what the hell has gotten into her. All she told my Mom is that we didn't look like the sort of people that would "run". So the cow has turned out to be a night in shinning armour.

It gets even more....bizarre. My told her I was serious about volunteering ( I had been planning to even before Milo had his accident). My Mom also told her ( and I HATE it when she does this ) that I had been ill for a very long time. This woman then asked "Is it mental illness?" !!!! (Seriously do I have it tattooed across my forehead?!!). My Mom (bless her) told her I suffered from depression and an anxiety disorder but also the intercranial hypertension. It turns out this woman also suffers from severe depression and panic attacks. Honestly I don't know what to say...right now I am just grateful that my Milo will be okay.

I didn't post this yesterday because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for money or anything. That is not, never has been nor never will be my intention with this blog. Granted I probably will still have to pawn all that stuff because there will be other expenses besides the surgery. Milo will  have his surgery tomorrow morning, this lady said that he has been in high spirits- eating, drinking and purring so that is a good sign. I will also be going back to hospital tomorrow to sort myself out. It's a holiday today for many countries- it's Human Rights Day here in South Africa. So by the time a lot of you read this Milo will hopefully be on the mend. Thanks to Wendy for the pet pray websites, I plan to put Milo's name on it.

Prayers/ good wishes for Milo...

Holy Mary mother of Jesus this has been one hell of a week and after reading this you will be forgiven for thinking that I shouldn't own a pet on account of bad luck. Milo appears to have broken both his tail and his back paw. There is a bad cell in battery of our car which requires either jump starting the car or pushing it to get it going. Today the car was parked on a slight incline on the in our drive way, I was standing in front of the car and my mom was rolling the car back to get it started when I heard the most awful scream. I looked down at the wheel and all I saw was Milo's tail sticking out from under it. I began yelling at my Mom to move forward. My Mom does not handle situations like this well- she couldn't start the car because it was dead. She went into hysterics, got out the car and started running up and down screaming. I started to manually lift the car up and actually got it a little bit off the ground, but not enough for Milo to get out. Two guys who had been working on the garden came running to the back of the car and started to push it back up the incline, meanwhile my Mom had gotten enough of her senses back to get back in the car and lift the handbrake. Once he was free Milo shot like a bullet into the house, ran up the stairs and into the geyser cupboard in my room with me chasing after him. It took me ten minutes to get him out. We raced him to the animal welfare, where they sedated him and will be keeping him over night until the vet comes tomorrow. These were the same people who gave us hell just because I wanted Milo vaccinated but didn't have the money to do it. And they were as snooty as hell to us this time all because we are not "underprivileged" enough.

This all has been the most horrific shock: Milo's screams and the seeing his little tail sticking out of the wheel will be forever be burned into my memory and the guilt is overwhelming. There were tuffs of his fur lying around the car. Not to mention that I think I did some serious damage to myself by trying to lift the car up and then chasing after him. It's been 3 days since my lumbar puncture/spinal tap and when I woke up this morning I still had the headache and I was deaf in one ear. After this little fiasco the pain has become excruciating...I can't cry, laugh, sneeze with out a horrible white hot thunderbolt shooting through my head. But I think it's probably nothing compared to what my poor little Milo went through.

I will only know tomorrow morning what will happen to Milo. The horrible people at the animal welfare have made it clear that we will cost us....a lot, even though I have told them I am unemployed at the moment. The one woman made a catty remark that "this isn't a free service we are giving". I wonder what they would do to Milo if I said I just couldn't pay...would they hold him ransom? put him down? or just leave him the way he was?. The dumb cow could see how upset I was but she was still being such a bitch.

A very sweet little blessing happened while I was there and this just testifies the unconditional love you can receive from a pet. They had just put Milo into his cage on the floor and I put my fingers in to stroke his head so he could go to sleep. I was crying and was in immense pain when I became aware of someone beside. An old black dog had come to sit beside me, he then put his paw on my knee and lent into me. I put my arm around him and he tried to lick me. We sat there for about five minutes just like that, somewhere in between another cat wandered up and began to rub itself against my knee. I hope those people know what a privilege it is to do what they are doing.

I realise most of you are not of a religious nature... I don't care, whatever your creed please pray for my precious fur ball tonight. If  you are not the praying kind make a wish that he will be better soon. I will be going back to hospital on Monday to find out what the hell is going with me....my baby fur ball and I both in the same boat tonight.

The mystery of the missing kitty....

Late at night and all is not what it seems....

The appears to be a strange lump under my duvet...and it's moving!

Suddenly a furry face pops out

Mystery solved!!

My kitty is actually a BOY (I don't know much about kittens okay!) and I have named him.....

Milo

:) :) We took him to the animal welfare on Wednesday so he could have his shots. It is ridiculously expensive in South Africa to vaccinate an animal and we figured that maybe they could give us a break. Well, they were actually really pissy with us for bringing him there because they only vaccinate the animals of the disadvantaged for a hugely reduced fee. And as the lady pointed out to us "You don't exactly look disadvantaged" and she was right but my Mom didn't take very kindly to her bitchiness. She told her that things weren't always what they seemed and she announced that I lived with her, I was unemployed, I had been ill over the last four years and I had no money. Yeah....that made me feel like shite. In the end they agreed to vaccinate Milo and de- worm him. Unfortunately there was no vet there to check him out.

Milo is a bundle of energy. He reminds me of one of those wind up toys that just keep on going and going except he never stops. He will play with anything, even his own tail will keep him amused for hours. He has used his litter box from the very beginning and will climb two flights of stairs to take a nap in his basket in my room. We have had him for just 10 days but the change in him his huge and he grown immensely. He his very cuddlable but doesn't stay still for 2 seconds to let you cuddle him. I am actually not getting a whole lot of sleep at the moment because when it's time to go to bed he thinks it's time to play and he starts chewing on my hair and toes. Then he'll wake me up with a paw slap on the cheek at 6am to get his breakfast.

Anyway we are enjoying him. He has provided us with loads of laughs and lots of fun. You'll never get bored with a kitten around!

More pics ( hopefully one day I will get a camera other than my Blackberry...sorry for the crappy quality)



Spot the kitty....again. He gives us heart attacks when he climbs trees especially when he gets to the very thin top branches, but he always gets himself down.

An unusual place to sleep....

Fast asleep with his favorite toy :)



I can walk around with him perched on my shoulder like a parrot