5 years

5 years

This is an obituary for Stephanie Gwen. She was born in America but grew up in South Africa. She loved nature and dogs. She wanted to have a dog farm when she grew up to give a home to all the abandoned and unwanted dogs in the world. Her favorite food was chocolate. She believed in God and felt guilty because pleasing him seemed impossible. She loved the theatre more than anything else. Her favorite plays were Phantom of the Opera and Oliver! Andrew Lloyd Webber was her hero. Her greatest dream was to act in his musicals. Unfortunately although she held the heart and talent for acting she couldn’t sing or dance very well so being in a Lloyd Webber musical was out of the question. Stephanie grew up in a beautiful small town right underneath a magnificent mountain range. She dreamed of seeing the world, seeing all wonders that were in books and on TV. Stephanie was in awe of the splendor of the world she lived in, of the sky at dawn and at dusk, of the ocean and trees and the stars. She was so happy and grateful to be alive in such a world and would find pleasure in the smallest thing. She had a gift of inner peace that helped her to hope for a better future no matter what heartache and chaos surrounded her. When she was 21 years old one of her greatest desires came true when she moved to London. There she had to work very hard to survive but she had never been so happy in her life. She made many friends and had even more adventures. After and year and a half she left England to get to know America…the land she was born in.

5 years ago I was born….Stephi. It was 5 years ago this week that I had my break down in America. 5 years ago I was put onto antidepressants and have been on them ever since. At 02:50 am on the 14 March 2007 I woke up and found that the girl that I had been all my life had died and there was a new person in her place. Everything that I believed in was gone. There was no God. The world no longer held any splendor for me, I forgot all my dreams. The dreamy, loving girl, always full of hope was replaced with an angry, cynical cold hearted woman. It was like something had sucked the life out of me and left me hollow. Ever since then the world has became devoid of colour and totally joyless. Happiness became and impossible distant memory. The antidepressants saved my life but they have dulled my heart to the point that I am unfeeling of any kind of emotion.

But despite my cold, unfeeling heart I miss Stephi, the girl I once was. So every year during this week in March I celebrate her life. I light a candle next to the last picture that was taken of me before my breakdown. The difference between that picture and pictures taken of me after my breakdown is visible. This year I am living in temporary accommodation and all my stuff, including that photograph is in storage. So I have used a silver ring that I bought in England and some earrings that my friend gave as a memento of my former self.

As I always believe in looking for hidden blessings even in the most awful circumstances, I also use this time to remember the blessings that came out of that period of my life. I met one of the best friends I ever had, a girl who had known me for two months before I had my breakdown. She should have been really freaked out by what she was seeing and run for the hills. But she stayed and helped me get well. She saved my life, I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t had her there.

And of course the other blessing would be that I am alive, I made it through. I thought that week in 2007 would be my last. I was sure I would never see my family in South Africa again. I was losing myself, dancing along the edge of insanity and I wandered when the moment would come when I would cross the point of no return. But yet five years later here I am. I can’t say my life has gotten any better it has been so hard. I have had to mourn and get to know myself again. But at least I have dreams. Whether or not they come true is irrelevant. I want a better life.

So this is in memory of Stephanie Gwen and acknowledging Stephi and the road that I am still travelling.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all – 2 Corinthians 4:17

The ramblings of a dull, bitchy mind

My hair is getting way to long…ginger curls that are suffocating in the heat and feel heavy. I go through periods of wanting to shave my head to be free of it.


I’ve been told by other red heads that I am lucky I don’t possess the epidemic of freckles that go with being a carrot top….they should see me after a day in the sun.

I had to get up early this morning to care for my elderly grandmother so my parents could go to church. Feed her, put her on the toilet and generally make sure she doesn’t freak out to much. Unfortunately she wet her skirt because I left her to long on the potty and she moved.

Why is it that I can still taste my medication two hours after I have taken them?

The meds have put into a four- year haze

I asked my Mom to bring me a bag of something nice when she got home. She brought me celery and eggplant. Both of which I like, but not exactly what I had in mind. My Mom’s fear of my landing up overweight like my Dad has been ruling my life since I was seven, when it became clear that I had inherited his genes.

I have been battling an eating disorder/ food addiction since I was seven.

I am tired of being raked over the coals by both atheists and Christians. To Christians I committed the ultimate sin: I lost faith and I denied God’s existence. To atheists I did the unthinkable I took my faith, as small as a mustard seed and decided I wanted to know God again. Both feel betrayed.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.

I just want to be normal again.

Define normal?

Some days it takes me two hours just to get to the point where I can get out of bed. Other days it will take me the same amount of time just to make my bed: I straighten one side stare at it for half an hour then straighten the other side.

I dread every time my sister comes home. She is always a reminder of what I have missed in life and what I am missing. We are not close and never have been.

Does anyone know how to put my banner in the middle? It's driving me crazy...

The realisation that I could loose my cousin is starting to terrify me. He hasn't got his results back yet but fear and imagination are a cruel thing. He's cool with everything. Why don't I know him better?. Regrets.

For university, it took me a whole day to get through half a study unit…which is normally only supposed to take four hours. I guess I can call it a success.

My hope for the flowers Part 6: My flower power

*Drug names contain links to wikipedia

My drug’s. In those early days I clung to them like a lifeline. They were brutal but were the only thing that stood between me and the edge. They were my shield against insanity. I trusted them so immensely. But after all these years I know that this is not a very healthy attitude to have. I believe they can treat the symptoms. But they are not a cure, the core of the problem is still there and it’s up to me to deal with that.

I have learnt that there are two types of depression: Reaction depression- this can occur after an extremely stressful incident like the death of a loved one and Chemical depression- which is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. In some cases a person can suffer from both and this was my case. I have often wondered if my reaction depression caused my chemical depression but have been told there is no link. Still, I wonder why my brain flipped out for no apparent reason.
These are the meds that I have taken for my condition:

1. Lexapro
2. Xanax
3. Effexor
4. Citalopram
5. Molypaxin
5. Amitryptiline

LEXAPRO
Lots of fancy names up there, I’m thankful the list isn’t to long. The first one is Lexapro. It is mostly used in the treatment of clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Teenagers and young adults Typical side effects are insomnia or fatigue and drowsiness, diarrhoea or constipation, increased sweating and decreased libido. The side effects I had were headaches, fatigue, constipation, increased sweating (lovely..) and the weirdest of all, a burning sensation on the skin of my face, neck and arms- it felt like my skin had been sun burnt even though it wasn’t. My doctor gave me a sample pack with a weeks supply of 10mg pills. I also felt really shaky, but I think it was because I was still recovering from the anxiety assault I had endured for the past few weeks. Another strange side effect that I had was excessive talking, although none of the websites I’ve been on listed this as a side effect, but in the patient reports I’ve read this is not uncommon. It eventually went away. All the side effects except the excessive sweating went away. In hindsight I believed that the Lexapro really helped me but unfortunately it was badly managed. I also learned recently that Lundbeck-a company that I worked for in the UK a few years ago- developed this drug. Weird.
http://www.lexapro.com/

XANAX
My doctor prescribed me Xanax the same time I went onto Lexapro. Xanax is a benzodiazepine (sedatives). It is generally used as short term treatment for a Panic disorder or anxiety disorder. It has a long list of side effects, the side effects that I got was drowsiness, dizziness, impaired coordination (trying to dial a number was a mission), slurred speech, dry mouth and short term memory loss- and my doc had only prescribed 0.5mg!.Nevertheless I LOVED this drug. Mostly because it took the pain away and saved me from the unbearable anxiety onslaught I had been experiencing. Within 15 minutes of taking 2 pills I would feel all light and floaty and all warm and fuzzy inside. The feeling that I was going to die was still there but the paralysing fear was gone and my attitude was, “Hell we all have to go sometime!”. Unfortunately this drug is addictive- before my doctor gave me a prescription she asked me weather I had any alcoholics in the family, to which the answer was yes but since it was neither of my parents she was happy to give me the prescription. I also became accustomed to this drug very quickly- after 2 weeks of use. I can see why this would be addictive. Luckily I was of a sound enough mind and was responsible in taking it. There is also extended release Xanax called Xanax XR where you take one pill a day
http://www.xanax.com/

EFFEXOR
I am going to try and be as objective about this drug as possible… The side effects: headache ,nausea ,insomnia ,sexual dysfunction ,dry mouth ,dizziness ,sweating, decreased Appetite, abnormal ejaculation ,hypertension ,Vivid/Abnormal dreams , akathisia, decreased libido, increased yawning , apathy, constipation, ongoing Irritable Bowel Syndrome, fatigue, vertigo, orthostatic hypotension (postural drop in blood pressure), impulsive actions, electric shock-like sensations also called "Brain zaps", increased anxiety at the start of treatment, memory Loss, and Restless Legs Syndrome. I had ALL of these symptoms except for abnormal ejaculation (obviously). The story was when I went to see my doctor for a follow up I mentioned that the Lexapro was giving me headaches, which gave her the idea to switch to Effexor. She gave me a prescription for 37.5mg, which I was to start taking immediately (no weaning of the Lexapro) After a week I was to increase the dosage to 70mg. That’s right 70mg after a month of taking just 10mg of Lexapro. My psychiatrist nearly fell off her chair when I told her this. It was a recipe for disaster. Within a week I had turned into a homicidal, suicidal maniac. Never in my life had I ever been so angry or so out of control. I really felt I had the ability to kill someone. My hair began falling out, my gums bleed, my eczema flared up and when I wasn’t being a hostile bitch I was as confused as hell. Eventually my best friend, the main receiptant of my rage onslaughts, broke down and told me to sort myself out. My doctor put me back on Lexapro. The change was instantaneous but it was a huge setback in my recovery.

There is no doubt of the benefits of Effexor in treating major depression, anxiety and social disorders and I do know people that Effexor has really helped. But people should be aware of the fact that it has some pretty heavy side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Right now there is a online petition, started by patients who were not informed of these effects.
http://www.effexorxr.com/

CITALOPRAM
This drug is also marketed commercially as Celexa or Cipramil. There is nothing much I can say about this drug. Which is actually a good thing. It was costing me around $83 a month on Lexapro and it wasn’t out on generic yet so my doc switched me to the generic, citalopram- of which Lexapro was an updated version. The side effects are fatigue, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating (hyperhidrosis), trembling, headache, dizziness, excessive yawning, sleep disturbances, insomnia, cardiac arrhythmia, bruxism, hallucinations, blood pressure changes, nausea and/or vomiting, diarrhea, heightened anorgasmia in females, impotence and ejaculatory problems in males. I didn’t really get any side effects, the only effects I now experience on antidepressants is fatigue. I am still on citalopram today, over time the effects of the drug started to diminish. In the end my psychiatrist increased the dosage from 20mg to 40mg. In time I may have to go up to 60mg.
http://www.celexa.com/

MOLIPAXIN
In my opinion this drug wasn’t very necessary. It was prescribed to me by my new doctor after I broke down and started bawling in her office (a great way it seems to get new drugs but very embarrassing).I was back in South Africa and trying desperately to lose the “American bulge” I had gained. She prescribed Molipaxin to me for three reasons: lose weight (apparently one of the side effects), help me sleep and make me happy. The only thing it helped me to do was sleep…and sleep. She prescribed 50mg so I could just experience the side effects. The antidepressant dosage was 150mg. The side effects are drowsiness, nausea/vomiting, headache and dry mouth with a few adverse side effects. The only side effect I had was to sleeeeeeeep. I would take 1 capsule at about 9pm, go to bed at 10 (normally because I was walking into walls by then) and could sleep until 11 or 12pm the next day AND sometimes take a nap in the late afternoon. Eventually I had to stop taking it when I was diagnosed with Benign Intercranial Hypertension and began taking Diamox ( a WHOLE other blog post but NOT an effect of Molipaxin) because I was sleeping 18- 20 hours a day!.
http://www.inhousepharmacy.co.uk/anti-depressants/desyrel-information.html

AMITRIPTYLINE
Also marketed as Elavil, Tryptizol, Laroxyl and Sarotex. This was another effort by my neurologist to make me happy even though I was pretty sure the only thing I needed to was to increase the Citalopram I was already on. It was perscribed to me to help with the headaches I was experiencing with BIH, to help me sleep and to help my depression. From what I have read it is more of a short term solution and shouldn’t be taken for longer than three months. Side effects are weight gain, dry mouth, changes in appetite, drowsiness, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention, insomnia and changes in sexual function (basically sex + antidepressants = no sex). Again the only side effect I got was to…sleeeeeeep. It didn’t really help with the headaches or the depression though. Eventually I met my psychiatrist who weaned me off Amitriptyline and increased my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. Finally I was happy…somewhat.
http://amitriptylines.com/

Well that, in a coconut shell, has been my experience with antidepressants. I still feel that they should be used as a last resort, once you are on these drugs it is pretty hard to get off them. It is only when you are unable to perform the normal functions of your life that and/or all other efforts have been exhausted that they should be brought into the picture and managed closely by a docter or psychiatrist. Don't let your doctor give you the pills and just brush you off- schedule a follow up. At the same time question everything they give you. Research it- most medications have websites, but also read patient experiences with the drug. Try stick it out through the side effects- these will go away after a few weeks. You will know when something is not normal. I knew the first day I took Effexor something was wrong. If your doc doesn't agree with you, find someone else.

Most importently if you are experiencing ANY suicidal thoughts or abnormal thinking patterns while on antidepressants, STOP taking the drug and get to your doctor IMMEDIATELY

That's all for now folks, have a good day!

Hope for the flowers part 4.....

When I got to the doctor the nurse took my temperature, blood, pressure and pulse. My blood pressure was sky- high and when checking my pulse she said, " It's amazing, you look so calm but your pulse is racing".I remember she was looking at me like a crazy person. Even though there was a patient before me, she called the doctor to come and see me first. I was actually embarrassed about seeing the doctor, because, where I came from you don't see the doctor just because you were nervous. But she told me it sounded as though I was suffering from Generalized anxiety disorder and most likely depression and she said that it was actually quite common.

She gave me prescription for 10mg Lexapro (antidepressants) and then a small prescription for Xanax (sedatives) - to help until the antidepressants worked their way into my system (about six weeks). I took both pills as soon as I got home. I had never taken a sedative before and boy, it didn't waste any time working on me. Within 15 minutes I could feel all the horrible tension start to leave my body and it had some consequences. I had been so hyped up that I didn't feel the aches and pains from completely overdoing it at the gym the day before and it was only then that I realised how badly I hurt my arm- I had stretched the muscle so badly that I could hardly move it. I fell into drug- fuelled sleep. The next few day were spent in a sedated haze that I can barely remember now.

A few things before I go. Generalized Anxiety disorder and depression are two disorders not to be messed around with. In reality I believe, firstly, that if I had gotten help sooner, even from the people around me it would never have gotten that bad. My stubbornness got me so sick that it nearly killed me. I believe that I should have been hospitalized (and at one point the doctor did suggest it) but I wasn't fortunate enough to have health insurance. Secondly, even though I am still on antidepressants now, I think this should be used at a last resort- you can't rely on drugs to keep you calm and happy for the rest of your life, you need to get to the source of the problem and develop some coping skills. Antidepressants treat the symptoms and not the cure. That being said there are times when they are necessary and the refusal to take them can be detrimental, my problems started because of a of two reasons- past events that had never been resolved were starting to take it's toll but a big part of what happened in America was a chemical imbalance- I needed medication at the time to correct it. What happened was no ones fault- with me being so secretive about it the people around me acted in the best way the knew how.

Thank- you for enduring such a long post, that's the majority of the dark stuff told. I am determined to make this blog more uplifting, but need to get some stuff out of the way first.