Hey

Marcel Germain

I think the sandman has permanently set up camp at my house. I just can't stop falling asleep and the ritual of going to bed at night and sleeping until it's morning is no longer possible- I sleep and wake up at any time. I must be sleeping about 15 hours a day right now. The only reason I get up is to eat, take a bath, feed my rabbits give them a cuddle and then retreat back into dreamland. And when I am awake I am like a zombie. This is a physical sign that things are not going well.

Whether it is because of the way I am feeling right now I don't know but, for the past week I have just had nothing write...nothing to say. Is it possible for a blog about depression to become to er, well.... depressing?. My mom laughed when I told her this "You are worried about a blog about depression becoming to...depressing? don't you think that's a little ironic". I'm also starting to compare my blog to other blogs- I tend to do that with everything I do and blogging is no different. And so a vicious Stephi- cycle has been born. I hate it when my insecurities ruin a perfectly good thing.

So I guess things are not going very well at the moment. The worst is that there is a storm of emotion going on inside my head and inside my heart and I can't cry. There is no way to release these feelings that are trapped inside me. Right now all I can feel is heavy and numb and tired. This is the WORST state for me to be in because it can go on for weeks maybe months. I have deliberately stopped taking my medication at times to try and put an end to it. After a few days of no meds I become an emotional mess but at least I can cry. I cried reading a another blog yesterday -which is very unusual- it was such a huge relief, but not nearly enough to help.

My bed is calling my name....goodnight people x