Happy Blogoversary!

A year ago today I started this blog. I actually can't believe it is just been a year- it feels like ages ago when I nervously sat in my bedroom with my laptop on my lap and opened my heart up to cyberspace. Man, I had no idea where to start. It was just a few months after I had been diagnosed with BIH and I was at my sickest. I can't say how far down the road to recovery I have come since starting this blog since. My life has been characterized by constant ups and downs. But I can definitely say since I started blogging I am a lot more informed about mental illness, treatment and recovery. And I have discovered a lot more about myself.

I called this blog "Hope for the flowers" after a book by the same name written by Trina Paulus. It was read to me when I was little and I have read it countless times since becoming an adult. It's message has always remained true to me- to become the person you were meant to be takes time, courage, refinement, patience, pain and love. I live in hope for my "flowers" and believe that everything I have gone through and everything I am going through now with bring out the best in me and help me discover who I really am and what I am meant to be doing with my life.

Since it's my first blogoversary I thought would repost my very first post. Reading this post again a year later...I have to wonder what the heck was going through my mind when I wrote this, was I tripping or what?!. I am also posting a song called "Hope for the flowers" by Jason Mraz.

Thank- you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me this past year. You have all been a blessing!

April 21st 2010

Meet Stripe and Yellow.....



Some of you may know them some of you may not. For those of you that do know them you'll know they were two of the bravest caterpillars ever to crawl on earth.


This blog will not be about the great Stripe and Yellow, but I thought they would be great introduction. Why? because not matter how small and insignificant a person is, they have a story to tell and some stories are REALLY worth telling.

My story is rather unusual and rather heartbreaking, but also funny and at times uplifting. I'm writing for many reasons: My family, to find someone in the same boat and I really do hope that some of the things I have to say will help and least one person. But, (and I really hope I don't sound self- absorbed- that is NOT my intention)I am mostly writing for myself. I want something tangible that I can hold onto to remind that I am on a journey, that I am taking baby steps and that I am one step ahead then I was yesterday- there is tomorrow. On that glorious day when I reach the top of this mountain I can look back down into the valley- read everything I wrote and say " Wow! what a ride".

A few warnings first: I used to be good at writing but long years of neglect have put me severely out of practice. Also trying to express myself will be difficult at first. Please be patient with me!

Secondly, I have inherited my dad's stubborn mind and have STRONG opinions about certain things. I am hoping my sweet mothers influence on me will have given me some tact. But in the end they are just opinions agreeing and disagreeing with them is your right.

Until next time.....

Repost: Fighting the good fight

I was thinking about this as I was putting my baby bed tonight. This was a post that I made six months ago and was actually inspired by friend Karen who was dealing with the death of her step sister, her close friend and her dog...all within the space of a month. My mind has been whirling with fear mostly of the future- wondering if I will ever finish university, live in Japan, see my family in the US, travel...have a life worth meaning. I'm wondering if I will still be alive next year or if I will finally succumb to the exhausting fight with the Black dog or if my BIH will eventually render me blind.


And then there is the fear I have for my little girl which is worse because it is something I virtually have no control over. She is only with me for a very short while in which I need to do my very best to make a difference in her life before releasing her back into her home where she will have to face some hard battles- mostly on her own. It hurts, it hurts to see her change and flourish and then realise where she will be going back to. I am choosing right now to have faith in my God. I have no choice. I will believe that God will be with her and walk every step of that road she has to take. I will believe that He has already given her a bright future. I will believe He has made her a fighter and He will fight with her. I have faith in her that she can do anything.

So it is on that note that I give you my old post, I have re- read this many times over the last six months and it has always given me back my perspective.

******

This is an extract from an e-mail I sent my friend Karen last night. I've had real trouble being able to put into words what I have been feeling in the last two weeks. This is horrible because people around me don't know how to help me and I feel like there s impenetrable wall between me and them. It's very lonely and desolate feeling. This letter sums up my goal:

03 June 2010:

Today would have been the 26th birthday of Bronwyn, she was a little girl I was good friends with at school. She died of cancer when she was only ten years old. Tonight we and the rest of my old classmates scattered across the world lit a candle for her. One thing that I will always remember about her is how hard she fought- 3 weeks before she died she was still determined to go to school. In 2003 another very good friend of mine, Bonita died after a car accident. I will always feel guilty about Bonita because I feel that I wasn't as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

The thing that Bronwyn and Bonita had in common is that they were both fighters and even they died young, both of them lived their lives fully. After Bonita died I couldn't go to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the country, her parents send me the program and her obituary. Right underneath her picture was this:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness,
Which the Lord, the righteous Judge will award to me on that day-
And not only to me,
But to all who have longed for his appearing

2 Timothy: 7-8

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that winning a race is not as important as finishing it. I have always hoped that that verse could be used in my obituary one day..... I feel a little guilty- I want to give up more then I want to press on and you know my position with the Lord . In terms of a race... I'm still sitting in the middle of the track staring at the damn finish line and not budging.

This is my message to you today- fight the good fight and finish race. Here is a little inspiring video to drive home my point. I can still remember this like it was yesterday...