Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A girl named JILL
In the past week, my mother has desperately been trying to sell her business rather than declare bankruptcy, I have had a birthday, held a dear friend's hand in her fight to come off antidepressants and my grandmother fell and broke her leg and is now in hospital awaiting surgery. She is 83 and has Alzheimer's, what's worse is that because she has no insurance she now lies in a state hospital- the same hospital I was in and which a doctor told me I needed to be "brave" to be sick there. Each member of the family that is willing to help has been taking it in turns to sit with her and constantly reassure her. From experience I know this hospital frightened me ( at first ) so I can't imagine what it must be like for her.
In our family there are always problems, things are always wrong. But when things reach crisis level- EVERYTHING happens at once- my Mom's business ( our livelihood ) my grandmother... . I hate to say this but very secretly I am just waiting for whatever is next to hit. Because, believe me judging from the past there always has been a NEXT.
It's in times like these that I really suffer from not having any faith in God, for being unsure if he truly exists. Honestly if I did believe wholeheartedly in God right now I would be angry at him, but I would be grateful because being angry at God I think, is far better than being angry at a void. In hospital my mother, always heartbreakingly faithful prayed many prays. She doesn't pray your typical fire and brimstone prays that so many people seem to associate with the church. She spoke as she as someone would speak to a Dad, whom they loved very much. I couldn't listen to her because it was just too painful to listen my beloved mother- whom I love so much, who has never done anything wrong, who has always been faithful and loved almost beyond her capacity- BEG yet again to a God who seems intent and punishing us.
The night before last I was sitting in the hospital waiting room listening to my ipod, surrounded by sleeping bodies of people who were either waiting for news of a loved one or for treatment themselves. A song came on that has always been a source of comfort. "Desert Song" was written by Brooke Fraser and is was first sung on the Hillsong live album "This is our God". Jill McCloghry, the young women that sings with Brooke is one of the most amazing people I have ever come across and even though I have never meet her this girl has given more faith, more reason never to give up than anyone else.
About two years ago Jill and her husband tragically lost their baby boy, Max who was born prematurely. The loss of any loved one is heartbreaking but the loss of a child, especially one so little can been so overwhelming and devastating that some people never recover. Yet Jill is a women that is filled with grace and love and has faithfully gone on, putting her complete trust in God. She is now pregnant again with a little girl but has had a high risk pregnancy and they are right now praying against another premature labor.
Jill has poured her heart out in a blog in which she talks about her grief and her anger, but also her hopes and dreams and always her love and unfailing trust in her God. I love how she is allowing each experience she goes through to shape her into the person Gods wants her to be. She knows there is a eternal plan involved and she has given herself up to it. To do this is one of the most courageous things a person can do.
In truth Jill is the type of person I inspire to be. Instead of letting fear into her heart she has made the decision to praise and find joy in life's tiny fragments I envy her faith which seems to come to her so naturally. For me faith and deciding there is a God is a decision that I have to make each day, sometimes more than once. And some days I FAIL.
She gives me inspiration and if anything I can believe God is placing certain people strategically in my life who give me hope and whom He can demonstrate His love through. Maybe it's His way of quietly guiding me back to him. Right now I am in so much darkness that I can't see anything.
So many things can happen from here on. By this time next week my family's main source of income could be gone. My Nana may get worse. I may never recover from this illness. But the decision I am going to make is that My family will make it, we have each other. My Nana will walk again and I will still be victorious against depression, anxiety and BIH. A friend of mind once said that what we see right now is only a pixel of God's massive painting. I will choose, to the best of my ability to believe it.
I am posting Desert Song and another song Jill wrote called "We the Redeemed" I really wish Hillsong would use her more for their song writing, she has a true gift with writing.
If I am allowed to be smug. I am surprised at how well the last two days have gone. I haven't had any problems my depression- mostly because I haven't had time to think about myself. But the biggest thing is that my anxiety has been mostly stable, all of this INCREDIBLY without having any sleep or medication for the last two days. Unfortunately last night I reached my limit and the withdrawal began. But for two days I was fine.
AND...hopefully one of these days my posts will get shorter lol!