Standing on the shoulders of giants: famous people with depression

Is it just me or have things been really quiet in the blogsphere lately?. Well at least MY blogsphere, which granted is not very big. University is officially starting to hit me. My first assignment is due tomorrow. I have finished it but just need to type it up. Over the next few two weeks I am going to get hit with more assignments. So I don't have an actual post this weekend...luckily for me I have written a few posts but have never published them. The stuff I wrote below, I wrote some time ago and this will be my post for the weekend. Sometime soon hopefully I plan to research and do two posts on studying with depression and trying to find a job when suffering from a mental illness. These two topics are what I will have to be dealing with in my life for the next few months.

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One day while riding a bus to work, soon after I arrived in England, I happened to be holding onto a £2 coin and started to inspect it. On the rim of this coin was the phrase "Standing on the shoulders of giants". Most £2 coins have it. I found this phrase very mysterious so I googled it. The Phrase finder describes the meaning of this phrase as this: "Using the understanding gained by major thinkers who have gone before in order to make intellectual progress". It was believed to be coined by 12th century theologian and author, John of Salisbury and was also prominently used by Sir Issac Newton.

All the great discoveries and inventions that we have today are because someone forged ahead into the unknown. I was thinking of this in regards to mental illness. There have been great scientific discoveries but I believe that what really cracked the stigma  was when a few very brave and well known people came forward and spoke out. That's what has given the everyday man freedom. I am sure this has been done before, but the idea only came to me the other day: to research famous people with depression and mental illness. What I came up with surprised me. I have tried to select people that everyone will be familiar with.

Winston Churchill
This man is on my list of top 5 people I'd like to have a conversation with. There are so many things that I want to ask him. Churchill is believed to be the greatest prime minister England ever had and one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century. He lead his country and the allies to victory in WWII. Yet through out his life Churchill often suffered prolonged and severe bouts of depression. He was the first person to use the term "Black dog" to describe his illness. He also had a speech impediment but many people believe that Churchill won the war by talking his way out of it. This may sound corny but often when I can't get out of bed I always think of him and wonder how the hell he did it. How did he get out of bed AND still go to war? This proves that depressives can sometimes achieve a whole lot more than non- depressives.

Vivien Leigh - Actress: Gone with the Wind/ Streetcar Named desire
If you have never seen "Gone with the Wind" where the hell have you been??. Vivien was a very talented, very beautiful Oscar- winning actress. But her whole life her health was marred by tuberculosis and what is now known as Biopolar disorder. This earned her the reputation of being difficult to work with. She was a recipient of ECT and once had to placed in a nursing home after a severe breakdown rendered her incapable of caring for herself.

J.K. Rowling - Author of Harry Potter
Rowling admitted in an interview that she had been diagnosed with clinical depression in the past and had experienced periods of being extremely suicidal. The feelings she experienced with depression inspired her to introduce " Dementors", soul- sucking creatures in the third book.

Drew Carey - Famous comedian
Drew Carey has tried to commit suicide twice by taking large doses of sleeping pills. He has said in interviews that he has always felt mad at the world and would use food and alcohol to try and numb his pain. He says he is on a "constant" road to recovery.

Brooke Shields- Actress
I really admire Brooke Shields because she spoke out about her experience which is still considered extremely taboo. Brooke had severe postpartum depression, which to me is probably the most devastating form of depression. She has said in interviews that she was overwhelmed with thoughts of harming her baby and the desire to commit suicide was with her every hour of every day. Fortunately she was surrounded by people who encouraged her to get help and she made a successful recovery. She has since been raising awareness for postpartum depression.

Kirsten Dunst - Actress
Kirsten has publicly admitted checking into rehab in 2008 to be treated for depression after being ill for about 6 months. She has said the reason for her going public was to highlight the struggle faced by so many successful women and to dispel rumors.

Kurt Cobain - Musician ( Nirvana )
I can remember the day he died so clearly. It was 1994 and the year that I first began feeling suicidal. Kurt had suffered a lifetime of depression, addiction, ADHD, bronchitis and was in constant severe pain from an undiagnosed stomach disorder. Yet it was these very killers of the soul that inspired some of the greatest music of his generation. We all know that depression can suck the life out of you...add everything else this poor guy had to deal with and and it was no wonder he met a very tragic end.

Abraham Lincoln - 16th president of the United States
Growing up in South Africa, the only American history I studied at school was The Great Depression ( yeah...how ironic...), so I didn't know that much about Mr. Lincoln until recently. And what I first heard about him surprised me. Many people that knew Lincoln described him as a very jovial character ( what a contrast to those stony- faced portraits ) but had also said he was very prone to melancholy aka depression in today's terms. Some historians believe he was Bipolar...he was known to weep in public. He spoke of suicide as a young man. This never detracted from the fact that he was one of the greatest presidents in US history. I read a fascinating article here

I have already received the greatest gift.

My last post was very negative, but I stand by it. This is an incredibly difficult time for me personally and for my family. Debt, death and illness are our constant companions this Christmas and I needed to rant, to get all my frustrations out.

We keep telling each other and whispering to ourselves that this too will pass. And it will... what we are experiencing right now is a massive shift and change. Our old lives as we know are coming to an end an a new life is beginning and unless each of us embraces it we will be left behind.

I am destitute right now, I have lost everything. But this morning I began to think of my best friend and my break down when I was in America- how very close I was to ending it. And I realised that right now even though it appears I have nothing I have already been given something that many people can only wish for.

I have been meaning to write this post for a while but quite frankly I just didn't have the words.I am going to write about the people that have kept me alive, pulled me back from the brink when mental illness threatened to engulf me. They are the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Please bear with me because I don't think I could continue this blog without mentioning them- they are all the reason why I am here.

My Aunt: A great sadness and guilt still fulls me when I think about this. I was staying with my Aunt in California when things started to happen that would eventually lead to my breakdown. I don't know, but I have a feeling that my Aunt blamed herself for what happened. What my Aunt didn't know is that a lifetime of trauma, abuse, depression and anxiety was closing in on me. Why it happened while I was staying with her I will never know. I had only met my Aunt a few months before and was so embarrassed about what was happening to me that I did all I could to hide it, instead of confiding in her. Eventually I got to the point where I could no longer hide anything from her as I was slowly falling to pieces. Still, I refused to talk to her. She knew something was wrong and didn't know what to do. Her life was already stressful when I arrived- she was caring, full time for her husband who had suffered a heart attack nine years earlier and had been severely brain damaged as a result. It is only now, having to care full time for my grandmother that I really have gotten a sense of what it must be like. Her husband was ( and still is) a wonderful man and love of her life. What happened to him devastated her.

This woman bore the brunt of my breakdown. Despite that she allowed me to stay with her, rent free, paid the MASSIVE phone bills I rung up (I'm talking like a $1000 people), supported me for three months while I waited for my social security number (someone forgot to do that when I was born) bought me a laptop for university and a camcorder and a camera to document my time in America. She was a lady of few words but through everything she did for me I knew that she loved for me. I am just so sorry she had to see me like that.

My Mom: I can honesty say my Mom is the sole reason why I haven't landed up in an asylum. If you are a mother you can particularly empathize with what my mother has had to go through. Like I said I was overseas when I had my breakdown and my mother was in South Africa. She had to sit through my hysterical phone calls where I was to terrified to form coherent sentences or I was drugged up on sedatives and slurring. She never knew if would be the last time she would speak to me. The hardest most sickening thing is that there wasn't much she could do...except pray. And everyday she was down on her knees having her faith- which is something she has been blessed with in abundance- tested to the limit.

The person that got off the plane when I came home was not the person that she had said goodbye to nearly four years before, just a shadow of her former self. My Mom has had to suffer through my mood swings, she is the sole receiver of my sudden rage attacks, she continually looks in on me when I sleep 18 hours a day. She has had to have almost soul- destroying conversations where I actually tried to convince her to let me commit suicide, that she would be better off without me, that she would move on. And she would say, she'd be lost without me and ask me to please stay. Yep, I've done some pretty heartless things.

My mom is not perfect, she has made some huge mistakes, especially where my Dad is concerned. But she has stayed in hospital with me, held me through all my lumbar- punctures (spinal taps) and endless panic attacks. She organises my meds- that she hates- into pill boxes each week and reminds me to take them. She has dragged me out into the sunlight when I wanted to stay in the darkness. She prays for me unheeded and believes against all the odds that one day I will be healed.

Karen: Karen is my best friend, who lives in America. We met when I was sent as a temp to the company she worked for. I often joke that she must have her house hooked up to the fountain of youth somewhere- she was in her late thirties when I met her but she looked no older than me in my early twenties. Our friendship was still in the beginning stages when I had my break down. I didn't talk to her at first but she knew something was wrong. She had every reason to walk away- I mean I was acting like a freak not mention that mental illness scares the hell out of most people. But she stayed and took care of me. She nearly lost her job because of me. She saved my life. I honestly would not be here if it weren't for everything she did for me. Not just her, but her husband too. He could have told her to stop seeing that psycho South African girl but instead he tried include me in everything they did. Since I didn't have a car he would come to pick me up and then drive back to drop me off- they lived in the next town so this was no small journey.

Many things have gone wrong in my life but I really can say that God has blessed me with true lifelong friends- even if they all live in different countries!. I had lost all my faith in God and even in the existence of God after my breakdown and I wondered why I could hear nothing from Him, why had he abandoned me. I  now know that I was never alone and I do believe he used Karen to make a difference. She changed my life and I now treat people differently because of her.

The picture up top is of a Willow Tree ornament that I gave Karen on her birthday. The picture below is of the one she gave me before I left (That's my precious Basil in the background). It's called "Angel of Remembrance"

This has been a difficult year for many people all over the world and this Christmas will be sad for very many. I'm going to reveal the materialistic side of me and say that I LOVE presents and the fact that I most likely won't be getting any is a real downer. But in the grander scheme of things I have already received one of the greatest gifts anybody can get: I have been loved unconditionally and even better....I have been able to love in return :).

These ads come out while I was recovering from my breakdown and every time I see them now it puts things into perspective.

The wolf is at my door

What a dark night this is. All around me there is an enveloping blackness. It feels like it is going to consume this small room of light I am sitting in. I hate moments like this- where it seem doom is standing in front of me and fear is at my back. I hardly saw the sun today. I woke up...and just knew...it was going to be one of those days. I crawled out of bed, slid downstairs to get some cereal and tea. I briefly met my mother in the kitchen who is always oblivious to how I'm feeling (probably just as well). She hugged me and told me to come and sit outside in the sun. I probably should have listened to her maybe things would have gotten better. Instead I hobbled back upstairs ate my cereal and crawled back into bed where I stayed, undisturbed for the rest of the day.

I have found in my house if this happens no one misses me until I am needed to do some sort of chore. Which is exactly what happened at 6pm when I heard my mother's voice through the floorboards asking me to come and do the dishes. To me the worst thing that anyone can do when I am having an off day is to yell at me to come and do the one chore that I hate most in the world. They all sounded like a circus act down there: "Stephanie!" "Stephanie!" "Stephanie must come do dishes!" "Did you call Stephanie?!" "Where is STEPHANIE?!!!!". Imagine three grown adults yelling all that at once. My pounding serotonin- deprived brain was wishing I had duct tape, a hammer ANYTHING to get them to shut the hell up.

It's really not their fault, they don't know how to handle my depression not many people do anyway. My Dad tries to ignore it, but thinks I'm not "trying hard enough"- whatever that means, my sister is in between thinking I made it up for attention or it's not that big of a deal and I must just "be more positive". Yep. Try telling that to someone whose only thoughts are of slitting their wrists to try and stop the crushing sadness that has plagued them for days- "just be more positive". Only my mother has truly made an effort to understand and I can say she really does try, she defends me when the others want to jump all over me. But her understanding only goes so far and I feel there is this block with her. She is a born- again Christan and believes prayer is my only answer, that and er, herbs. Problem is I am struggling everyday just to keep faith that God actually does exist.

The greatest challenge I had to overcome when I was first diagnosed is the stigma surrounding mental illness. The conclusion that I have reached is that just because someone doesn't understand my illness does not mean they are bad people- some people have the capacity to understand and accept while others don't. I can't hold it against my friends and family who can't stand with me in this fight. We can still have a relationship it just means that there will always be a part of me I can't share and they will never know.

Still when that group consists of most of your family it can really hurt and it makes trying to conquer this disease so much more lonely. Right now they are all in bed dreaming while I sit up alone to fight off the evil thoughts that seem to be swirling in the darkness surrounding this room, waiting to pierce my brain. I can't wait for dawn. Tomorrow I won't make the same mistake I made today I WILL get up out of this bed and face the day. That is FIGHTING. Unfortunately those damn dishes still await me tomorrow morning.

I always find identification to how I'm feeling in art in every form. I really liked this song and the video when it came out. It represented best some of the swirling, outlandish thoughts that I would have late at night.