I've found it! The perfect Christmas prezzie!

Aaaaaah! Japan!, I've held a life long fascination with this country- there are many reasons but the most prominent one would the stuff that they come up with. They will invent those things that are only in the back of the imaginations of some westerners and are normally found in sentences like, " I wish I had a ..'insert outlandish'.. object for... 'insert outlandish reason'....

Take this nifty little gadget- THE SHOUTING VASE.... it holds in your anger!!!!. Some days I think the best thing for me is to have a big screaming session, this will ensure I don't yell at anybody or take it out on my already frustrated pillow. But because I have always lived with people and lived in a town or city it's not entirely possible for me to go screeching my lungs out- not without someone calling the police...or worst the men in white. So I just hold my tongue. But with this great invention I could scream as loud as I want to into the mouth piece and because of the way it's designed it will come out the other side as a slight noise.

Isn't that just peachy? I could scream everything out and go on my merry way.

And I am being absolutely serious...

Unfortunately, there is no way I would be able to get my hands on this any time soon, so I guess my pillow- abuse will continue.

On the EXTREME off chance that someone actually would want to invest in something like this for themselves here is the link: Scream it out!

Happy screaming people!

Hey

Marcel Germain

I think the sandman has permanently set up camp at my house. I just can't stop falling asleep and the ritual of going to bed at night and sleeping until it's morning is no longer possible- I sleep and wake up at any time. I must be sleeping about 15 hours a day right now. The only reason I get up is to eat, take a bath, feed my rabbits give them a cuddle and then retreat back into dreamland. And when I am awake I am like a zombie. This is a physical sign that things are not going well.

Whether it is because of the way I am feeling right now I don't know but, for the past week I have just had nothing write...nothing to say. Is it possible for a blog about depression to become to er, well.... depressing?. My mom laughed when I told her this "You are worried about a blog about depression becoming to...depressing? don't you think that's a little ironic". I'm also starting to compare my blog to other blogs- I tend to do that with everything I do and blogging is no different. And so a vicious Stephi- cycle has been born. I hate it when my insecurities ruin a perfectly good thing.

So I guess things are not going very well at the moment. The worst is that there is a storm of emotion going on inside my head and inside my heart and I can't cry. There is no way to release these feelings that are trapped inside me. Right now all I can feel is heavy and numb and tired. This is the WORST state for me to be in because it can go on for weeks maybe months. I have deliberately stopped taking my medication at times to try and put an end to it. After a few days of no meds I become an emotional mess but at least I can cry. I cried reading a another blog yesterday -which is very unusual- it was such a huge relief, but not nearly enough to help.

My bed is calling my name....goodnight people x

What a lovely afternoon

  It's late- most of my posts are written late just check the times they are posted. I am sitting here alone pondering, of all things, why some people are more accident- prone then others. Just got up a while ago only to knock over a 500ml cup full of water, on my way to get a mop I tripped over a chair in the dark, stubbing my toe- ouch!. Lastly on my way back, the door handle caught on my sleeve and snagged my jersey. This all happened in the space of two minutes. It kind of reminded me of one of those "Carrying on" shows. And maybe I shouldn't mention that one of my rabbits peed on my bed- I only discovered this AFTER I sat down.

On the other hand I had a great afternoon. Most of it was spent making my little cousins belly- laugh by acting like a dork. Sometimes I can't believe that they actually think the lame tricks I pull are funny- seriously I've had them rolling around the floor on occasions- but I love making them laugh. Now matter how depressed I am I can feel my spirits lift every time I hear their squeals

We then went to pick flowers in the park and ate gooey fudge. Watching the youngest one run around chasing a white butterfly was one of the best moments.

Spending time with them was one of the best things I could have done today. Right afterwards I had my 6th CBT session with Dr. Shaw. Today was the day that I had to painfully recount my breakdown in America. I was kind of dreading this session because it is so emotionally exhausting and talking about that time still hurts a great deal. But I walked in there after having spent the day laughing with my girls and I felt ready to take on the elephant in the room. It was still hard, but drawing from the strength of being loved unconditionally by two little people made it possible for me to cope. What an amazing effect people can have on each other- even when someone is too young even to realise it

x

 Gooey fudge!!

They're here! Welcome to rabbitland

I was finally able to bring my babies home today:



I've named this one Cornflower- I used to read Brian Jacques when I was younger and one of the characters was a mouse named Cornflower and I always liked it.


I haven't given this one a name yet I'm going to get to know her personality first- were going to get another one and discovered it was a boy. Since we wanted to avoid the boy/ girl pairing ( for obivious reasons) we decided to go with this one because apparently she is a girl- let's hope she stays that way.







I had a picture of them in a pot but I thought that would be to mean to post. My Dad scared the shit out of the lady that we got them from, asking her if she thought they would braai (barbaque) well. They were so small at the time her husband suggested we make put them on skewers to make kebabs. He and my Dad seem to get along well. Creepy.

Anyway I left my little fluffy bundles cleaning and cuddling each other in their box. Now I have the joyous task of potty- training them. Luckily they are very clean animals and are easier to train then dogs.

I have been reading some articles on Pet therapy (or Animal therapy) I would like to do a post on it once I have more information. Pet therapy is considered to be one of the main alternative therapies for depression. Animals are regconised as a postive force in the healing process. Physical contact helps distract a person from their daily troubles. Caring for a pet can bring about a sense of accomplishment and give a person new meaning to his/ her life. And of course the great love between most pets and their owners is a lifesaver.

Dogs are most commonly used in Pet therapy, but I made the decision that since I plan to travel back overseas after I graduate it wouldn't be fair on the dog to let it get to attached and it will be heartbreaking for me. Cats and rabbits are more independent. We are still planning on getting a kitten once we find one.

I can definately say that after spending some time cuddling my rabbits I did feel a lot happier, like I gained two new friends :).

It's a bird! It's a plane..No! It's...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!

The joys of home remedies!

I am blogging from my blackberry so this should be especially
interesting (and finger aching)

For now I am against putting up any pics of myself on this blog, but
this was just so funny/ scary I couldn't resist. For this past week my
BIH has gotten worse and worse and I've spent the last two days mostly
in bed with intense pain. I really don't want to rely on painkillers,
so I am always on the look out for alternative ways to manage pain.
Some things work, some don't. What has always helped me is literally
cooling my head down, so what you see there are pillows that have been
in the freezer, an ice pack on my head and teabags on my eyes. Drained
ceylon teabags are supposed to be great for tired, puffy eyes and eye
pain. I find it has a really soothing effect and sometimes laying down
with teabags on my eyes and doing my breathing exercises can be SO
relaxing. Even if it makes me look like 2D's sister. I doubt anyone
will recognize me on the street from this. Unless you have laser
eyes!.

Anyway there is something else that I would like to mention that has
been on my mind. It's about the Internet more specifically people' s interaction
ON the Internet. The Internet to me is the most amazing tool that was
ever created: an endless abundance of information available at just
one click. Friends and family on the other side of the world can find
each other and keep track of each other. In 2008 the US processed 23 zettabytes
worth of information- that' equal to 1 trillion trillion bytes. If you
had to visit every a webpage every minute on the web you would never be
finished. But as we have unlocked this key of discovery, we have
opened a Pandora's box. Child pornography exploded after the Internet,
the Internet became the perfect haunt for pedophiles. People now have
no privacy.

But I have chosen this medium to reveal a painful struggle that most
people who know me have no idea about. Anyone reading this blog
doesn't know me but knows some of the deepest corners of my heart. How
does that figure?. What I will tell you is that it took nearly a year
of deliberating before deciding to take a leap of faith, so it wasn't
a decision that was taken lightly. And there are things that I will
never discuss on here.

The worst part of depression for me is the vast and never- ending
sadness and loneliness. This makes me vulnerable and turning to the
Internet, specifically this blog could be dangerous.

Here's why: (does anyone identify with this?)

When I was about 9 two cousins that I didn't know very well were
visiting. We were all out in the yard playing. The younger one and I
were playing Frisbee, instead of throwing the Frisbee to him, I threw
the Frisbee at him and was delighted when the thing hit him again and again. I was
intimidated by him because he was new and generally people outside my
immediate family preferred my sister because she was a more stable
child. So before he could reject me I was going to drive him away.
This Frisbee abuse carried on for a while before he finally stopped,
walked up to me and said. "If you play nicely, I'll be your friend".
Well those were the magic words, for the rest of the time he was there
I played very sweetly with him and followed him around like a puppy.
If he had turned around and told me to get lost my heart would have
shattered into a million pieces.

It's nearly two decades later. I am far more mature and better at
handling myself. But because of past issues I have yet to deal with
and loneliness being my constant companion. I am still the same: if
someone shows me friendship I will act nonchalant, but my heart will be
singing. And it is the same for me on the Internet and on this blog.
This is why it could be dangerous: the Internet is not a real world. On
the Internet we can be anything we want and while I have been nothing
but honest on this blog there are people that aren't.

My problem is that I have to constantly make sure I don't get too
attached to people to people I interact with online. We are all here
revealing our deepest darkest secrets, so it's hard. When I receive a comment (and I
love comments) I have to make sure that my attitude is "A comment,
that's great" instead of " OH MY GOD! I got a comment! a comment! My
new best friend!!!" And if that person doesn't comment on my next post
"Why didn't they comment?! Don't they like me anymore?"

Your interpersonal day to day relationships need and should take
priority over any online relationships ( most likely with people
you don't know) . Support for mental illness
online can be beneficial if used correctly but it could go the other
way and become part of the problem. Guard your heart and mind there
are vast amounts of people on here who can harm you that way. I may
sound preachy but these are the rules that I am exercising for myself
and maybe others might want to consider.There are people I have met
through blogging that I would love to get to know personally but in
most cases that won't be possible. And that's okay. We are all here
for just a season of our lives.

Having finished with my monologue I would like to say that it has been
nothing but an honor getting to know some people through
reading their blogs. It's been great being able to interact and
identify with people in the same boat. And the support that I have
received on this blog has eased the burden of a very long, tiring
journey.

Tomorrow I will do a post on the fantastic CBT session I had today.
She taught me some fantastic new exercises called TRE (Trauma release
exercises) . It was a bad day today and these exercises made the world
difference. I think it's really going to help with both my depression
and anxiety. Yippeeeee!

Forsaken

Sadness, loneliness and fear are my companions tonight. It's 2am and I feel so battered and bruised that I just can't give myself up to the mercy of wild dreams that haunt my sleep.

So yes today has been one of those days, where even the tiniest most insignificant things can cause a deep strangling heartache.

Two major things have been on my mind this past week: family and God.

Last Friday I had my 3rd CBT session with Dr. Shaw, I had difficulty making sense of all my worries and feelings so she decided that making a chart would give us more clarity and a goal to work towards. She gave me the chart to take home, this is what it looks like:



Is it just me, or does that look like a HUGE MESS!!. Sure the thing gave me clarity but it also gave me an awful realisation of how much deep crap I'm in. Seriously, when she took it down and gave it to me it looked even more terrifying close up!.

You may not be able to see but at the top of the pile is family- more specifically family worries. Family problems and family worries dominate my every waking moment. Dr. Shaw pointed out that in order to even THINK about getting better I needed to start putting myself first. I just know this would not sit well with anyone in my family.To my mother this would be the greatest act of selfishness. We are like the freaking mafia- family is EVERYTHING, you are meant to sacrifice stuff for the family.

Today I had my counselling session with the church counsellors. My going to see church counsellors is kind of ironic- because 1) I don't really believe in God right now and 2) If my mother, who arranged all this, knew what was coming out in these counselling sessions, she'd want me to stop going.

These counsellors have relentlessly and faithfully prayed that I would be able to have faith in God, but as my counsellor said today it's like praying to a brick wall, so we chatted instead. What they said really resonated with me though.

The one counsellor said that I have never known freedom. And I think he's right. This might be tough for a person to understand, but sometimes the most turbulent and heartbreaking battles in history where fought in a person's own mind and heart. For so long my mind has been encaged by the prison of mental illness and my heart has been scared and chained by my past- the abuse, fear and hurt that I endured that I have never experienced life or seen the world for what it is.

Also during this talk the subject yet again turned to my family and the battlefield that is our lives. Instead of branching out and making a separate life for ourselves we all stuck together, making our problems each others problems and just creating, well, one BIG problem. We don't move forward, we occasionally take two steps backwards but 20 years ago, we were still more or less in the same situation we are now- except the kids are older. Is that any way to live?

Instead of thinking that I needed my family to support me and help me through this, I came away from today's session realising I was weakest link of an old rusted chain. Staying with them is doing neither of us good. And the only solution to my problem is to leave my family, wash my hands of their problems and their business, move away and start building a separate life.

But by doing that I will totally and completely alone. Yeah sure I have friends- all my really good ones live overseas though and going to dump myself on someone else would be besides the point. It's been me against the world before- I lived in London for two years but seriously is that going to be my life?. I cannot see myself getting married in the future and I can't have children. So it looks like I'll be a one man show.

I can't discuss family details in this blog, but believe me when I tell you that things are HORRENDOUSLY messed up and I CANNOT rely on them for ANYTHING any longer.

And then there is God. I have walked through life hand in hand with a mystery, not wanting to let go but unable to comprehend him. I grew up in a non- denominational church and I have been a born again christian since I was 12. I have known and seen enough evidence that He exists but the breakdown and the cursed analytical part of my brain vanquished any faith that I had. I wish I could just go one way or the other- be an atheist or a daughter of God. But each of them has one of my wrists and there is a tug of war going on. I will say that I have been a part time unbeliever for three years and my life is the worst it's ever been.

This brings me a little bit of comfort tonight, maybe because I have been reading this since my childhood- I will end off with this. If it resonates with you or makes your faith stronger I really envy you

Optimistic Rebels Site - Bioscope & Vote

Optimistic Rebels Site - Bioscope & Vote

Doing some promo stuff here for one of my dear friends. What an amazing girl this is!. She's a few years younger than me but she's my girl and I love her very, very much. I've watched her grow from a tiny little baby into a beautiful passionate young woman. God has blessed her with a firey spirit, a curious and creative mind and a boundlessly loving heart.

This is a competition she has entered where participants have to demonstrate their life in just two minutes. R40 000 is up for grabs for the best one. Even though I have stood on the sidelines and (sometimes NERVOUSLY) watched Ashleigh perform her latest craze, I was still blown away when I saw this. Watch this and you will be too.

Oh and if you have time VOTE!

Might be posting again later

:)