From the outside my grandmother appeared to be a sweet innocent old lady. Everyone liked her. Despite the fact that she was a argumentative menace to everyone in my family they loved her very much. No one else feels this way towards her except for me. I can tell you if anyone in my family had to read what I am writing they would be shocked, angry and disgusted. I guess they should be. It feels like a law against nature to hate your own grandmother.
I have only presented the bad side of my grandmother....the truth is she actually had many wonderful qualities, most of which I have only realised recently. Unfortunately it would be that one of her good qualities that would sting me the most:
My grandmother made sure she always knew what was going on with everyone in the family. She would watch, listen...eavesdrop outside closed doors. Because she made sure that she knew about everything that went on she knew more about my abuse than anyone else. I still feel like it's a crime to say that I was emotionally and physically abused. She knew what my Dad did to me, she watched and listened. She would always be there in the background or around the corner. The worst is I knew she knew what was going on was terribly wrong. I could see it in her face.
Whether it was because she was once an abused woman herself, or because she believed that my Dad, was the head of the house and my father, she should not interfere or she was just in denial I don't know. But she was the one person who knew that I desperately needed help and she choose not to do anything. And here is where her "good quality" comes in. After being beaten she was always there holding me, washing the tears and sweat away from my face, tying up my hair and putting me to bed, all the while cursing my father. It was like being given time in a boxing ring and going into the corner for water and a pep talk before being sent back.
It was a blessing to have that comfort after all those horrific episodes. I really should be grateful because the majority of kids that are abused have no one. But it just made me hate her even more. She was just there to listen and see and then comfort. Never to help. And so for years it continued, each time it occurred it sliced away at my soul and took away more of the person I was meant to be.
Usually, people are never wholly good or evil (of course there are the exceptions) and it often causes conflict within is, ESP. if they're family members...My mother was very "abusive" in her own way but she also passed down many gifts. Your grandmother sounds like she was caught into this darkness and could only give a little love and comfort where she could. I'm not justifying how she didn't help you or diminish your feelings at all, Stephi...I just think it's really beautiful that you can view all the parts of her that were damaged. It shows the healing that's happened with you regardless of how other family members think of her.
ReplyDeleteWell, I know that I am definately not wholly good! :D. I am mature enough to know that my grandmother was a victim too and was bound by social constraints. A while ago I stood in the firing line of emotional abuse that was direction at a child in my family. I would not, could not stand by and watch a kid get treated that way. I would have killed the person before I let him harm that child. This is probably why I am still so angry that the very people that professed to love me more than life itself just stood by and watched such cruelty being inflicted on me.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry she knew what was going on and couldn't see a way to protect you. It must have felt so violating. Even though the comfort may have helped in the moment, the lack of protecting must have made you feel of little or no value to her. I wish she had found a way to see past whatever limitations she thought life placed on her to protect you.
ReplyDeletemisssrobin -- http://www.misssrobin.blogspot.com/