The wolf is at my door

What a dark night this is. All around me there is an enveloping blackness. It feels like it is going to consume this small room of light I am sitting in. I hate moments like this- where it seem doom is standing in front of me and fear is at my back. I hardly saw the sun today. I woke up...and just knew...it was going to be one of those days. I crawled out of bed, slid downstairs to get some cereal and tea. I briefly met my mother in the kitchen who is always oblivious to how I'm feeling (probably just as well). She hugged me and told me to come and sit outside in the sun. I probably should have listened to her maybe things would have gotten better. Instead I hobbled back upstairs ate my cereal and crawled back into bed where I stayed, undisturbed for the rest of the day.

I have found in my house if this happens no one misses me until I am needed to do some sort of chore. Which is exactly what happened at 6pm when I heard my mother's voice through the floorboards asking me to come and do the dishes. To me the worst thing that anyone can do when I am having an off day is to yell at me to come and do the one chore that I hate most in the world. They all sounded like a circus act down there: "Stephanie!" "Stephanie!" "Stephanie must come do dishes!" "Did you call Stephanie?!" "Where is STEPHANIE?!!!!". Imagine three grown adults yelling all that at once. My pounding serotonin- deprived brain was wishing I had duct tape, a hammer ANYTHING to get them to shut the hell up.

It's really not their fault, they don't know how to handle my depression not many people do anyway. My Dad tries to ignore it, but thinks I'm not "trying hard enough"- whatever that means, my sister is in between thinking I made it up for attention or it's not that big of a deal and I must just "be more positive". Yep. Try telling that to someone whose only thoughts are of slitting their wrists to try and stop the crushing sadness that has plagued them for days- "just be more positive". Only my mother has truly made an effort to understand and I can say she really does try, she defends me when the others want to jump all over me. But her understanding only goes so far and I feel there is this block with her. She is a born- again Christan and believes prayer is my only answer, that and er, herbs. Problem is I am struggling everyday just to keep faith that God actually does exist.

The greatest challenge I had to overcome when I was first diagnosed is the stigma surrounding mental illness. The conclusion that I have reached is that just because someone doesn't understand my illness does not mean they are bad people- some people have the capacity to understand and accept while others don't. I can't hold it against my friends and family who can't stand with me in this fight. We can still have a relationship it just means that there will always be a part of me I can't share and they will never know.

Still when that group consists of most of your family it can really hurt and it makes trying to conquer this disease so much more lonely. Right now they are all in bed dreaming while I sit up alone to fight off the evil thoughts that seem to be swirling in the darkness surrounding this room, waiting to pierce my brain. I can't wait for dawn. Tomorrow I won't make the same mistake I made today I WILL get up out of this bed and face the day. That is FIGHTING. Unfortunately those damn dishes still await me tomorrow morning.

I always find identification to how I'm feeling in art in every form. I really liked this song and the video when it came out. It represented best some of the swirling, outlandish thoughts that I would have late at night.

One glorious day....

*This is something I wrote about a week ago in a sudden "fervor". Unfortunately moving house and no internet has delayed me in posting it

There is something in the atmosphere, an air of excitement and opportunity, I’m not really sure what it is but I feel like I am sitting in a deep pool and I need to jump up out of the water and grab whatever it is before the waves of depression pull me back down into the murky waters where thoughts of pain and suicide will cloud my vision of whatever it was that was holding it’s hand out to me.

It could be just the last dying embers of a month of euphoria spent in the whirlwind of the Soccer World cup, a dream come true for me. That is definitely part of it. But the real source is what has been happening to me the last few days and resulted in an eventually epiphany last night.

I have never mentioned this in this blog because, God knows, there is enough to mention. And to talk about this subject as well as continuing to write about my daily battles with depression and anxiety would just be a bit over the top. But if I can take a break from those musings and turn the subject to something that is just as close to my heart.

A year ago I started to go blind- my sight had been rapidly deteriorating for a while, I thought it might have been the result of high blood sugar- a good enough reason to go to the doctor. But being uninsured, broke and under the dangerous premise that “it will go away on its own” I left it. Then over a period of a month my sight drastically decreased, I became deaf in one ear, was throwing up everything I ate and was in the most awful pain. This was something that wouldn’t just go away and I finally told my mother.

I saw an ophthalmologist who discovered my optic nerves were badly swollen. Having always been faithful with my research I already knew what this could mean before he gently told me I would need an MRI to see if there was a brain tumor. The other possibility was fluid on the brain. We had to wait a week for my MRI appointment. My mother and sister were devastated. My Dad hid in his office for the week. I was calm- I didn’t feel anything, except the slight and sick humor that God, having seen my soul die in my breakdown in America, had finally decided to put me out of my misery. How selfish it was thinking like that. Of course there were the usual thoughts of what legacy I would leave behind if I had to die in a few months.

The day of the test came and all the calm I had evaporated when I saw the tiny hole where my head would go to conduct an MRI. The nurse was kind enough to give me a “magic” injection. There was no tumor or lesions on my brain. My family was relieved but that was short lived because in the days that followed, I was diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension. It is a disease that causes a massive amount of fluid to collect on the brain. They don’t know what causes it and there is no cure. They can manage the symptoms with a drug called Diamox and….regular therapeutic lumbar punctures or spinal taps to drain the fluid off the brain. Not only that- we were told the damage to my eyesight and hearing could be permanent.

I have had four lumbar punctures in total. I will never forget my first one- a psychiatry student could not get the fluid t to drain landed and up poking my spinal column four times before someone took over afterwards I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. The drug Diamox- which is also used for altitude sickness had the most horrible side effects. I could sleep for 18 hours a day and when awake was nothing else but a zombie. I had constant pins and needles in my hands and feet, it alterated my taste- Coke tasted like brandy!!. And always, always there was the never ending pain sometimes dehumanizing. I was confined to my house and loneliness enveloped me like a blanket.


In April this year I told my doctors that I had volunteered for the 2010 Soccer World Cup. They had already advised me against working and again advised me that doing the World Cup would be crazy. It had been a long time since I felt so stubborn and determined and I decided I was going to volunteer- even if I had to do it sitting down…or lying down. We were trying some knew drug combinations and I had actually started feeling better so I decided to have faith that it was going to work. The World Cup was hard, exhausting but ABSOLUTELY amazing- it turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever did. I have made friends and memories that will last a lifetime.


That ended nearly a month ago and last night was when I had my “epiphany”. I was cooking my Dad his birthday dinner and I started thinking about where I was this time last year. On my Dad’s birthday last year I had also cooked him a birthday dinner, but messed it up badly. It was right before my appointment with the ophthalmologist and I was at my worst. My sight was so bad I couldn’t see what I was doing. I couldn’t hear my grandmother calling for me. I was nauseous and I hurt so badly that I had to sit down every few minutes. But last night while again, cooking his birthday dinner, I realized that my sight was more than perfect, most of my hearing had been restored and I was absolutely pain free. I walked outside and saw the stars and I could hear the farm labourers laughing as they walked home for the night. I could see AND hear when the frying pan was burning

The last few days I had been reading bible stories from the Old Testament in my mother’s application bible. Most of these stories used to annoy me senseless in the infantile versions they were told in Sunday school. But the application bible has put them in a completely new light. Beautiful stories full of adventure, miracles and love that have been mysteriously renewed me and given me strength. If you read through this blog you’ll see that I’m a “Doubting Thomas” faith is a daily battle for me. I can go from believing God is there (but a big mystery), to believing that “something” is there but not sure what it is (agnostic ), to not believing in God or anything at all (atheist) and then back to believing again. I have tried to stop this cycle but I don’t know how.

Reading these stories I believe lead to my “light-bulb-Oprah” moment while standing at the stove. My light bulb moment: Without really realizing it, I had climbed a mountain- I was staring into the valley where I once was with a debilitating illness in front of me. An illness that nearly robbed me of my ability to see and hear. I hadn’t noticed because it happened so slowly.

I hope I am making sense here. But I am profoundly grateful for that experience. It has given me hope that over time, maybe without me even noticing it my battle with depression will be drawing to a close. Slowly everyday small steps are taken until one glorious day I’ll suddenly be staring into a valley that was my depression and realize that I am free.

Fighting the good fight

This is an extract from an e-mail I sent my friend Karen last night. I've had real trouble being able to put into words what I have been feeling the last two weeks. This is horrible because people around me don't know how to help me and I feel like there s impenetrable wall between me and them. A very lonely and desolate feeling. This letter sums up my goal as best as I could

03 June 2010:

Today would have been the 26th birthday of Bronwyn, she was a little girl I went to school with and was good friends with. She died of cancer when she was only ten years old. Tonight we and the rest of my old classmates scattered across the world lit a candle for her. One thing that I will always remember about her is how hard she fought- 3 weeks before she died she was still determined to go to school.In 2003 another very good friend of mine, Bonita was died after a car accident. I will always feel guilty about Bonita because I feel that I wasn't as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

The thing that Bronwyn and Bonita had in common is that they were both fighters and even though they died young both of them lived their lives fully. After Bonita died I couldn't go to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the country, her parents send me the program and her obituary. Right underneath her picture was this:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness,
Which the Lord, the righteous Judge will award to me on that day-
And not only to me,
But to all who have longed for his appearing

2 Timothy: 7-8

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that winning a race is not as important as finishing it. I have always hoped that that verse could be used in my obiturary one day.... although I feel a little guilty- I want to give up more then I want to press on and you know my position with the Lord . In terms of a race... I'm still sitting in the middle of the track staring at the damn finish line and not budging.

This is my message to you today- fight the good fight and finish race. Here is a little inspiring video to drive home my point. I can still remember this like it was yesterday...

Countdown: 25 days

This is something that makes me happy. Very, VERY happy!!!. 25 days from now all eyes will be on my little country as 31 of the best soccer teams battle it out for the world cup. Yes folks, I am a South African (a dual citizen with a America) and a very proud one at that.

I'm a FIFA volunteer and will be working at one of the stadiums. It is going to be a lot of hard work but a once in a life time opportunity. I am very aware that there has been a lot of bad press- especially overseas. Some of it is warranted. Most of the overseas stuff is absolute rubbish. South Africa does have a high crime rate but there is no- and there has not been a "Bloodbath" as one UK newspaper said. Crime a lot of the time boils down to a foreigner's common sense- for heaven's sake DON'T go walking down a quiet street after dark. You may be able to do that in your home country but sadly poverty, lack of education (among many reasons) has made people in this country rather desperate and turn to crime.

Despite the negativity I choose to hope that this will be something that will bring this country together. Someone once said to me that God blessed us with a sport like soccer to give us joy and I really can believe that when my team scores. But there of course is a lot of heartache because there can only be one winner. I must admit though, even as a female soccer fan there is a part of me that is dumbfounded that all this fuss is about 22 grown men chasing a ball.... :p

This is the official anthem for the 2010 World Cup. I love the song and the music video is hilarious.....

My hope for the flowers Part 6: My flower power

*Drug names contain links to wikipedia

My drug’s. In those early days I clung to them like a lifeline. They were brutal but were the only thing that stood between me and the edge. They were my shield against insanity. I trusted them so immensely. But after all these years I know that this is not a very healthy attitude to have. I believe they can treat the symptoms. But they are not a cure, the core of the problem is still there and it’s up to me to deal with that.

I have learnt that there are two types of depression: Reaction depression- this can occur after an extremely stressful incident like the death of a loved one and Chemical depression- which is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. In some cases a person can suffer from both and this was my case. I have often wondered if my reaction depression caused my chemical depression but have been told there is no link. Still, I wonder why my brain flipped out for no apparent reason.
These are the meds that I have taken for my condition:

1. Lexapro
2. Xanax
3. Effexor
4. Citalopram
5. Molypaxin
5. Amitryptiline

LEXAPRO
Lots of fancy names up there, I’m thankful the list isn’t to long. The first one is Lexapro. It is mostly used in the treatment of clinical depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Teenagers and young adults Typical side effects are insomnia or fatigue and drowsiness, diarrhoea or constipation, increased sweating and decreased libido. The side effects I had were headaches, fatigue, constipation, increased sweating (lovely..) and the weirdest of all, a burning sensation on the skin of my face, neck and arms- it felt like my skin had been sun burnt even though it wasn’t. My doctor gave me a sample pack with a weeks supply of 10mg pills. I also felt really shaky, but I think it was because I was still recovering from the anxiety assault I had endured for the past few weeks. Another strange side effect that I had was excessive talking, although none of the websites I’ve been on listed this as a side effect, but in the patient reports I’ve read this is not uncommon. It eventually went away. All the side effects except the excessive sweating went away. In hindsight I believed that the Lexapro really helped me but unfortunately it was badly managed. I also learned recently that Lundbeck-a company that I worked for in the UK a few years ago- developed this drug. Weird.
http://www.lexapro.com/

XANAX
My doctor prescribed me Xanax the same time I went onto Lexapro. Xanax is a benzodiazepine (sedatives). It is generally used as short term treatment for a Panic disorder or anxiety disorder. It has a long list of side effects, the side effects that I got was drowsiness, dizziness, impaired coordination (trying to dial a number was a mission), slurred speech, dry mouth and short term memory loss- and my doc had only prescribed 0.5mg!.Nevertheless I LOVED this drug. Mostly because it took the pain away and saved me from the unbearable anxiety onslaught I had been experiencing. Within 15 minutes of taking 2 pills I would feel all light and floaty and all warm and fuzzy inside. The feeling that I was going to die was still there but the paralysing fear was gone and my attitude was, “Hell we all have to go sometime!”. Unfortunately this drug is addictive- before my doctor gave me a prescription she asked me weather I had any alcoholics in the family, to which the answer was yes but since it was neither of my parents she was happy to give me the prescription. I also became accustomed to this drug very quickly- after 2 weeks of use. I can see why this would be addictive. Luckily I was of a sound enough mind and was responsible in taking it. There is also extended release Xanax called Xanax XR where you take one pill a day
http://www.xanax.com/

EFFEXOR
I am going to try and be as objective about this drug as possible… The side effects: headache ,nausea ,insomnia ,sexual dysfunction ,dry mouth ,dizziness ,sweating, decreased Appetite, abnormal ejaculation ,hypertension ,Vivid/Abnormal dreams , akathisia, decreased libido, increased yawning , apathy, constipation, ongoing Irritable Bowel Syndrome, fatigue, vertigo, orthostatic hypotension (postural drop in blood pressure), impulsive actions, electric shock-like sensations also called "Brain zaps", increased anxiety at the start of treatment, memory Loss, and Restless Legs Syndrome. I had ALL of these symptoms except for abnormal ejaculation (obviously). The story was when I went to see my doctor for a follow up I mentioned that the Lexapro was giving me headaches, which gave her the idea to switch to Effexor. She gave me a prescription for 37.5mg, which I was to start taking immediately (no weaning of the Lexapro) After a week I was to increase the dosage to 70mg. That’s right 70mg after a month of taking just 10mg of Lexapro. My psychiatrist nearly fell off her chair when I told her this. It was a recipe for disaster. Within a week I had turned into a homicidal, suicidal maniac. Never in my life had I ever been so angry or so out of control. I really felt I had the ability to kill someone. My hair began falling out, my gums bleed, my eczema flared up and when I wasn’t being a hostile bitch I was as confused as hell. Eventually my best friend, the main receiptant of my rage onslaughts, broke down and told me to sort myself out. My doctor put me back on Lexapro. The change was instantaneous but it was a huge setback in my recovery.

There is no doubt of the benefits of Effexor in treating major depression, anxiety and social disorders and I do know people that Effexor has really helped. But people should be aware of the fact that it has some pretty heavy side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Right now there is a online petition, started by patients who were not informed of these effects.
http://www.effexorxr.com/

CITALOPRAM
This drug is also marketed commercially as Celexa or Cipramil. There is nothing much I can say about this drug. Which is actually a good thing. It was costing me around $83 a month on Lexapro and it wasn’t out on generic yet so my doc switched me to the generic, citalopram- of which Lexapro was an updated version. The side effects are fatigue, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating (hyperhidrosis), trembling, headache, dizziness, excessive yawning, sleep disturbances, insomnia, cardiac arrhythmia, bruxism, hallucinations, blood pressure changes, nausea and/or vomiting, diarrhea, heightened anorgasmia in females, impotence and ejaculatory problems in males. I didn’t really get any side effects, the only effects I now experience on antidepressants is fatigue. I am still on citalopram today, over time the effects of the drug started to diminish. In the end my psychiatrist increased the dosage from 20mg to 40mg. In time I may have to go up to 60mg.
http://www.celexa.com/

MOLIPAXIN
In my opinion this drug wasn’t very necessary. It was prescribed to me by my new doctor after I broke down and started bawling in her office (a great way it seems to get new drugs but very embarrassing).I was back in South Africa and trying desperately to lose the “American bulge” I had gained. She prescribed Molipaxin to me for three reasons: lose weight (apparently one of the side effects), help me sleep and make me happy. The only thing it helped me to do was sleep…and sleep. She prescribed 50mg so I could just experience the side effects. The antidepressant dosage was 150mg. The side effects are drowsiness, nausea/vomiting, headache and dry mouth with a few adverse side effects. The only side effect I had was to sleeeeeeeep. I would take 1 capsule at about 9pm, go to bed at 10 (normally because I was walking into walls by then) and could sleep until 11 or 12pm the next day AND sometimes take a nap in the late afternoon. Eventually I had to stop taking it when I was diagnosed with Benign Intercranial Hypertension and began taking Diamox ( a WHOLE other blog post but NOT an effect of Molipaxin) because I was sleeping 18- 20 hours a day!.
http://www.inhousepharmacy.co.uk/anti-depressants/desyrel-information.html

AMITRIPTYLINE
Also marketed as Elavil, Tryptizol, Laroxyl and Sarotex. This was another effort by my neurologist to make me happy even though I was pretty sure the only thing I needed to was to increase the Citalopram I was already on. It was perscribed to me to help with the headaches I was experiencing with BIH, to help me sleep and to help my depression. From what I have read it is more of a short term solution and shouldn’t be taken for longer than three months. Side effects are weight gain, dry mouth, changes in appetite, drowsiness, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention, insomnia and changes in sexual function (basically sex + antidepressants = no sex). Again the only side effect I got was to…sleeeeeeep. It didn’t really help with the headaches or the depression though. Eventually I met my psychiatrist who weaned me off Amitriptyline and increased my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg. Finally I was happy…somewhat.
http://amitriptylines.com/

Well that, in a coconut shell, has been my experience with antidepressants. I still feel that they should be used as a last resort, once you are on these drugs it is pretty hard to get off them. It is only when you are unable to perform the normal functions of your life that and/or all other efforts have been exhausted that they should be brought into the picture and managed closely by a docter or psychiatrist. Don't let your doctor give you the pills and just brush you off- schedule a follow up. At the same time question everything they give you. Research it- most medications have websites, but also read patient experiences with the drug. Try stick it out through the side effects- these will go away after a few weeks. You will know when something is not normal. I knew the first day I took Effexor something was wrong. If your doc doesn't agree with you, find someone else.

Most importently if you are experiencing ANY suicidal thoughts or abnormal thinking patterns while on antidepressants, STOP taking the drug and get to your doctor IMMEDIATELY

That's all for now folks, have a good day!

My hope for the flowers Part 5 : Road to recovery

The day after I went onto antidepressants may be hazy but it was one of the oddest days of my life. I was a temp at work, so when I didn’t work I didn’t get paid and the company had so many candidates waiting to fill my position that missing work wasn’t a good idea. So after everything I had just been through I went back to work the day after I saw my doctor- high on Xanax and with Lexapro working its way into my system. The result was just hilarious.

I began to talk and talk and TALK, really, REALLY fast. Everything that was on my mind went tumbling out of my mouth. From what brand of toothpaste I used that morning to my view on the war on terror. I even tried to start a debate on religion (BAD idea). I floated around our tiny office and SKIPPED through the warehouse. I bought a fortune worth of chocolate from the vending machines and ate them all during my lunch break- only to throw it all up. I had a serious giggling fit about nothing and then all of a sudden the terror of the previous days returned whacking the life out of me and I went dead quiet. Everyone was so baffled by my behavior, I’m sure they all thought I was smoking dope. I’m amazed that I didn’t get fired.

Ironically that night, I was supposed to be going to an Evanescence concert with my co-worker, Karen and her hubby, Troy and some of Troy’s cousins. What a great concert to go to when you are mentally unstable :/ . I got myself sedated enough to handle the trip there without panicking that we would have a car accident and to help the nerves with meeting Troy’s cousins. Unfortunately the real clincher was when we all went to dinner and I couldn’t order drinks with everyone else, because I wasn’t allowed any alcohol. I had always been scared about meeting new people when I was growing up. I got over this when I was older by always being the one to make the first move- usually a glass of wine helped first. But when I was sitting there at that table I found that my tongue was frozen and I couldn’t talk- not even to reply to a question someone asked me. I felt like such a looser. At the same time I had an overwhelming desire to get up and start smashing anything breakable I could get my hands on- just to hear the sound.

The concert was surreal. Most of Evanescence’s music is pretty loud, well, that didn’t stop me from falling asleep. I don’t really remember anything of that concert. I felt as if I was in the twilight zone, continuously drifting between reality and a scary dream world. I have never taken drugs before, but what happened then is the closest thing that I can compare to a bad trip.

I was still in that zone on the way home. Troy tried striking up a conversation with me, but all my replies were broken bits of nonsense, until being on the edge of sleep and awake my mouth started shooting of a random monologue about cats!- where the hell that came from was anyone’s guess. I can still remember Troy’s confused silence.

What I learned from that day (aside from not wanting to listen to Evanescence again. Ever) is to really get to know the drug that your doctor puts you on. If you are able to, RESEARCH it as much as you can and get to know the side effects. In my next entry I’m going to discuss my experiences with antidepressants, the side effects, the improvements etc. I feel it’s so important to be more educated about this stuff rather than blinding doing what the doctor says without asking any questions that could make the world of difference.

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

This could be incredibly sad or bloody hilarious, you choose....

Courtesty of Susan's blog

P.S I found it bloody hilarious...