Tuesday, November 9, 2010

How dumb can you be?...oh earth PLEASE swallow me!!

Yeeeeah!!! SO confession time. And this is HARD!. And this post will be long- make some coffee!

This happened to me on Friday but I have honestly felt so stupid and so embarrassed and ( probably worried too) that it has taken me until today to finally pluck up the courage to share with you how I @#!%*** up!. Feel free to laugh because it is funny in some ways and feel free to be perplexed because and the other hand it made me realize how bad things are.

I had two appointments with Dr Shaw last week. One on Monday and one on Friday. This was all fine the week passed by quickly. I wrote in a post last week that I was struggling with some pain due to BIH and severe fatigue due to a combination of BIH and depression. So I was really out of it, the days seemed to run into one another. My mother was away concluding the sale of her business, my father was locked up in his office as always and my grandmother....well, you never go near my grandmother when you have a headache. I remember feeling relieved on "Wednesday" night, thankful that my appointment wasn't until the day after next.

BUT when my mom woke me up on Thursday I learned that....it was actually Friday. WTF? I was dumbfounded- what had happened to Thursday? Where had the week gone? HOW COULD IT BE FRIDAY?!!!. The most comical argument started between us ("no it isn't!"..."yes it is!"..."no it isn't!"..)  I had never been so confused in my life! What was worse is that my appointment was at 11:00...and it was 11:16 and a few seconds later my blackberry started ringing with Dr Shaws number on it. My mom told me to answer it,  I handed it to her and told her to answer it (cue next comical argument). Eventually I covered my head with my pillow and let it ring off. After much pleading with my mom she eventually went downstairs and phoned Dr. Shaw  to apologize and see if I could get a later appointment- yes I know I should have done this myself but I was to occupied with wanting to shoot myself.

In the end we couldn't get another appointment and Dr. Shaw landed up having a loooong conversation with my mom- who was mostly silent except for "hmm", "oh", "yes" and one "That's not good". And I knew that this was not going to go down very well. All my mom would tell me is that Dr. Shaw told her I was resisting and retreating.

When I got to the appointment yesterday (10 minutes late as usual). She opened the door for me and I knew that I was in for it. She told me she was very worried by what happened and gave me a stern talking to about what happened and that it showed her that I am not living in my life, that I am loosing touch with reality which meant that neither she or my church counsellors were helping me. The word "no" slipped out before I could stop myself. But then I told her that it wasn't anything that they were doing or weren't doing. It was actually me. I felt like crap! And I realised that I should have told her what I had written on this blog weeks ago when I first started therapy.

Basically I didn't have the strength to fight anymore, I was burnt out. I had gone so far down the road to suicide before I started therapy and had just taken a step back from it. Yet I feel to exhausted,  to crawl my way back along the road to recovery...yet again. There was also doubt about seeing Dr Shaw- originally my godfather hoped that six sessions would wrapped things up nicely. Both he and my mother hadn't realised that some people spend months....years in therapy before the are finally able to see some light. So there is always the threat that it will be discontinued....again- Dr Shaw is one of many psychologists that I have seen in my lifetime. And that threat really does affect how I feel about getting help and what I do with it. At first I felt I had to put everything I said in keywords to save time because I didn't know what session would be my last session. So I just haven't really taken it seriously yet.

I didn't have time to tell her all this (mostly because  we ran out of time). But the main topic of the whole session is what I could do to pull myself out of this- I didn't have a whole lot of ideas on that one, because I just don't know. But one thing that has been on my mind for a while is for me to start working  at a non- stressful job- to get me out of the house and in contact with people again. I entered the corporate world at 19 and worked my way up in London to a managerial position in human resources for a big company. I was working for a grocery distribution company in America when I had my breakdown. Since then I have been studying and doing menial jobs for my mother's company which she has now sold. Last year I was booked off any work because of my BIH and I decided to defer my studies this year because I was so ill.

So I have been out of the workforce for a while. I don't know if returning to work would be the wisest thing for a person who so very depressed. But if you spent one day in my house you would understand that it is probably the best thing to do. My house is a circus. I live with my mother, who has been supportive but is mostly unavailable because I am not her only problem. My grandmother who is 83 is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's- a fall two months ago fractured her hip and she is now mostly bed ridden needing full time care- the energy she drains out of us all is the biggest problem we face. My Dad is bipolar but refuses treatment and also has heart disease. I need to get away!

One thing I worried about when I was talking about with Dr Shaw about getting a job is 1) my family needs me at home. However she pointed out that what was happening wasn't fair, I had been sick too and had mostly had to take care of myself. There is nothing more I can do for my grandmother. And if my sister and I constantly have to keep making sacrifices in the name of family issues we will never get anywhere, or have our own lives. 2) My family is very image conscious, they will really be concerned about what job I get and where and how it will "look" if someone I know sees me. I am thinking of a simple job in a coffee shop or something but if someone "sees" me the impression will be made that I have bombed out with life and the only success I could make was working in a coffee shop. I went to a well known private school and this makes it worse. Such are the petty circles we move in.

I've gone a little off topic. We also spoke about not letting my parent's attitude and words have any control over me, which is part of what I mention above. That will take a lot of work. Old habits will die hard...

Anyway I've got a huge amount of work to do and it all seems to be overwhelming. By Friday I have to come back to Dr. Shaw with a journal of how I am going to go about getting a job. She has also told me she will give me 15 minutes to be late before calling and rescheduling the appointment- which means a cancellation fee. This is more of a motivation to my mom who drives me to these appointments and has made me late nearly every single time. I guess you can call this a little wake up call even though I still feel like I am sitting in a heavy cloud.

Yesterday wasn't all that bad though, I went to my support group and it had a nice ending which I will post tomorrow.

Still feeling a little sheepish :/ and I'm STILL wondering where Thursday went.... :)


  1. Ok, you are invited to follow mine...

  2. Hi Stephi,

    Don't feel bad - I know how you feel though - One time I overslept and I missed a dentist appointment. This is the same dentist I've always had (since I was a kid) so I knew him really well - and I felt like such an a@@ for being a no-show... I know it's just the dentist - and that a therapy appointment is important... but the same idea is there - you feel dumb and mortified... but it happens to all of us...

    I laughed at how you wrote about you and your Mom bickering back and forth about what day it was! I can just imagine how you must have felt - like - what???? How on EARTH did I miss Thursday!??! Meds and depression can knock you out - I'm just surprised that no one in your family ever tried to wake you - maybe they thought you needed the sleep???

    Anyway - your therapist sounds like a good one - (from what you're saying she tells you) - I agree - you need to put yourself first - you can't be good to anyone else until you are healthy (mentally and physically) yourself. It's hard to agree to - I know I had issues with that - because you feel selfish - but it's true.

    My parents are the same way (sort of) - they do care CONSTANTLY what other people think of them and our family - but I don't think they'd ever get to the point of caring what I did for a job - I can't believe your parents care - and that just adds more pressure on YOU... forget them - so what feels right to YOU.

    The best thing (as I've been told to do myself) is to work somewhere that interests you... work part-time and see how it goes... you've got enough on your plate - so you don't need the stress of another STRESSFUL job - the job I had before I went on disability was sooooo stressful - every single day was so hard - it gave me a breakdown - which I plan on writing about one day... (to show how I coped with it and how I got through it - jobs just aren't worth it when they mess with your mental well-being like that!)

    Also - it sounds like you're able to see this therapist for longer than the initial 6 sessions - right? But I completely agree with you - how do you get better when there's always that thought looming that "okay - this might be the last session" - Getting better does take time - you can't put a time limit on it - It's very kind of your godfather to pay for these sessions - and obviously he's doing this because he cares about you and your well-being - so maybe he needs to know that there is no "set amount of sessions" that can fix a person ... although I know this is a touchy subject because he's paying... aughhh - why does everything have to be so difficult - why can't the people who need the money have it - you know? Sometimes I feel that way!!

    Sorry - LONG comment - but you had lots to say (in all fairness! :) lol -

    I can't wait to hear how your support group went!!

    :) Christine

  3. Christine-

    Hello again! Thanks for the loooong comment.

    Yep, it was pretty hectic...it wasn't that I missed an appointment that was bad- it was that I was so out of it I didn't even know what day of the week it was serious.

    I do need to start putting myself first but in my family- I am talking about my whole extended family too, because we are all way to involved with each other- that is considered to be extremely selfish. The attitude is that you must contribute and kinda sort of take care of yourself on the way. Sacrifices are expected. The motto is "together we conquer divided we fall". Which I think is a load of hogwash, we are conquering nothing and we always seemed to be better off when we were separated.

    My family has a lot of pride and are not willing to do certain jobs- in South Africa jobs are very much a race thing too- as dumb as that is. And your job reflects your class. And when you have a family that is image conscious it's a double negative. I just want my own money and to get out. I don't qualify for disability- you need a pretty damn good reason to go on disability and even then they money you get is ridiculously small.

    Yes, it does seem that I will be able to go to see my therapist for a while longer, although it is so expensive ( and she is giving us half price ) I don't know how much longer the poor guy can cope, he's actually my 2nd cousin and you could say he is the patriarch of our family- everyone relies on him. My mother is the matriarch.

    Anyway my comment was equally as long so there! Thanks for your comforting words :)