Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I think the sandman has permanently set up camp at my house. I just can't stop falling asleep and the ritual of going to bed at night and sleeping until it's morning is no longer possible- I sleep and wake up at any time. I must be sleeping about 15 hours a day right now. The only reason I get up is to eat, take a bath, feed my rabbits give them a cuddle and then retreat back into dreamland. And when I am awake I am like a zombie. This is a physical sign that things are not going well.

Whether it is because of the way I am feeling right now I don't know but, for the past week I have just had nothing write...nothing to say. Is it possible for a blog about depression to become to er, well.... depressing?. My mom laughed when I told her this "You are worried about a blog about depression becoming to...depressing? don't you think that's a little ironic". I'm also starting to compare my blog to other blogs- I tend to do that with everything I do and blogging is no different. And so a vicious Stephi- cycle has been born. I hate it when my insecurities ruin a perfectly good thing.

So I guess things are not going very well at the moment. The worst is that there is a storm of emotion going on inside my head and inside my heart and I can't cry. There is no way to release these feelings that are trapped inside me. Right now all I can feel is heavy and numb and tired. This is the WORST state for me to be in because it can go on for weeks maybe months. I have deliberately stopped taking my medication at times to try and put an end to it. After a few days of no meds I become an emotional mess but at least I can cry. I cried reading a another blog yesterday -which is very unusual- it was such a huge relief, but not nearly enough to help.

My bed is calling my name....goodnight people x


  1. Hold on- i promise things will get better soon! Life is so changeable and nothing- neither good nor bad patch- is permanent. So I can promise with certainty, this will pass. Please let me know when you up for that coffee- I work just opposite the mall so can pop across anytime. Love you

  2. Thanks your support Foxy, we should definately meet up soon- I've missed you girlie! Love you lots x

  3. How are you doing? Sounds like you're going through a lot right now. I wish I could do something for you. Please take your time and be gentle to yourself. Hey, thanks for coming to my blog earlier. I just hope you feel better real soon. Take care!

  4. Hey Takashi, thanks for your comment. Just knowing that you care is more than enough! I will probably have to go into hospital to take care of my BIH. Hopefully I won't be so tired after that. It's always a pleasure reading your blog:) Have a fabulous weekend!!

  5. Hey Stephi -

    I know you posted this a couple of days ago - so how are you feeling now?

    Don't EVER worry about what you write about on your blog - and you certainly don't need to compare it others - each blog is unique and serves a purpose - what you are showing is honesty and how depression can make a person feel up one day and down (the next few) - it help other people to feel like they are not alone.

    Plus - writing about it helps - it's just like journaling...

    Please PLEASE do not stop taking your meds :( I've done that before and it's not good - plus you even know that it will only make things worse....

    Things WILL get better - there IS life beyond depression - you are such a strong person - don't ever forget that!!!!


  6. Hey Christine,

    Thanks for your comment, I'm hanging in there! Don't worry I am very sensible about my meds even if I hate them.

    Comparing something that I do ( like blogging ) is a stupid insecurity trait that I have had since I was a child, it's something I have to deal with, but because I've done it for so long, old habits die hard.

    In reality everybody expresses themselves differently so their blogs would be different. And you and Takashi do make the effort to visit new blogs and comment, gaining new readers. I need to do this more but I am a very shy person...no excuse though :)

    Anyway I am trusting you, Takashi and Foxy when you say to hold on and that it will get better!