Wednesday, September 29, 2010

3:34 am

Oh what I wouldn't give right now to be inhabiting The Land of Nod. To be passed out in blissful slumber. But no, it's 3:34am my mind is racing and I feel like I want to tear my own skin off, I'm so restless. It doesn't matter that I was up until 05:00am yesterday morning- barely got 4 hours sleep before I was woken to help change my grandmother- I am so hyped up I feel like I won't sleep for the next hundred years.

Every thought that can possibly invade my mind is on a relentless attack. From one of our employees that was given notice on her flat because we paid her late (again) to how I'll get my newly cut fringe to stay flat. I'm thinking about whether it will be possible for me to return to university next year. My favorite online fan writer has left her weekly story in a terrible cliffhanger until next Sunday. I need to find a job and then another one if I'm going to save. One of these days I'll need to move out of my parent's. Will I be alive next year?

It would be a relief if I could at least calmly think about each of these subjects one at a time, but they are coming like an endless gush of water, mixing with each other, confusing the hell out of me.

My depression has been so bad in the last couple of weeks. It hasn't been this bad since I was in America. I can say that it is both situational and chemical. Approximately 36 hours ago I was practically catatonic and couldn't stop thinking about slitting my wrists. Then my sister came home to do research for a job interview. Her visits are normally marked by a lot of tension both for her and for us. Honestly every time she cames home the reality of how bad things are takes hold. But this time she needed me to set up a blog for her, having no idea how to do it herself. I worked on it all night pulling out all my creative stops. In the end working on her blog actually brought me out of the suicidal rut I was in. But now I'm on a wave of energy where I can't rest. Unfortunately coming down off of it doesn't solve any problems either because once I'm down I'm back in that dreaded rut where I have to fight for survival.

My parents know about this. Before my grandmother came home I sat them down and said that they needed to put me in a psychiatric hospital, even if it is a government one. Unfortunately for me they have a limited understanding of such places. My mother firmly believes that they do medical experiments on you. They have said they'll support me but...nothing has come of it. My godfather- also my mother's 1st cousin- has said he wants to throw me a "lifeline" he has said that he will pay for a psychologist. Being an analytical type of man, he wants to "shop around", get the best "price" then think it over, talk about it with me, talk about it with my mom, think a bit more. This lovely kind- hearted man's middle name is Procrastination.

In the meantime my mother has sent me to a lady that I have known since I was a baby who is a church counsellor. They already know that I struggle to believe in God. To start counselling I had to make a list of every person that had ever hurt me and work on forgiving them each one by one. It was a relief to finally have someones undivided attention and eventually just talk about how I was feeling. I felt great when I left. Until I got home and starting thinking about some of the people on that list...for the next two days I was SOOOOO angry. I'm wondering if digging up the past and dealing with it in conjunction with everything that's going on in the present is the best thing.

4:20 am: I don't know if it is my imagination but I think I am finally getting sleeping. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I just can't see an end to this right now. All I can hope for is that my godfather moves his butt with finding me a psychologist. And I don't think reality will ever hit my parents until they are carrying me out here in a straight jacket...apparently they don't use straight jackets anymore?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

Vertical limit

Nana came home from the hospital on Monday. Her operation was actually a huge success, she suffered virtually no pain. Unfortunately she is too fearfulto leave her bed for any of this success to have an effect on her. What was left of her mind is practically disappeared- it doesn't make a difference if she's at home or not, she has no idea where she is and recognises no one. She is terrified of being alone- she gets so scared sometimes that she starts shaking. It is so hard to watch. It takes the work of everyone in the house to care for her.

My Mom's business still hasn't been sold, the pressure is really mounting. One of the offers that was made was your typical to- good- to- be- true- offer....mainly because it was made by my mother's old boss who is, let's just say, a less than "savoury" character. Everyone who knows the history of this man has warned us to stay away. But at the same time beggars can't be choosers and we really have no choice. We are giving this God asking Him for IMMENSE wisdom and protection and having all the faith we can muster that He will take care of us. We are deciding to let God take care of that man, all we can do is to pray for him, ourselves and hold on tight.

As for me...well I'm just trying to focus on staying VERTICAL and putting one step in front of the other. I want to make it out of this alive.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

All that remains...

*And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the
greatest of these is love. - 1 Cor 13 *

After a week where it appears we may loose everything. This is all we
have left: faith, hope and love. My nana goes in for surgery at 8am
tomorrow. We have been told that her heart is week and with that and
old age comes a risk. We have made the decision that whatever happens
we will be fine with. As for our business unfortunately the way things
look right now filing for bankruptcy is fast becaming the only option
we have. Let's just pray for a mircale (several mircales, actually).

It's late and even though I've hardly slept in the last 5 days, my
mind is racing and insomia looks like it's paying me a visit again
*sigh*. It's been a weird blessing to be so focused on other things
because usually that's when my depression leaves me alone temperarily.
I can't say the same for the anxiety, which is not surprising. I've
had the worst cramps and chest pain, when I'm quiet I have the
uncontrolable urge to start screaming till I'm hoarse.

So much is wrong right now and it doesn't help to think about the
future because it is so uncertain, all the dreams and things that I
have planned seem to be fading away. I wish I could cry now, weep
until my eyes are red. Actually throwing myself to the floor and
having a good old fashioned tantrum- snot and tears , kicking and
screaming sound fabulousm. But the meds I was given to stop me from
throwing myself off a high building is also preventing any emotion. I
feel like I'm just aborbing everything that's happening to me with no
way of letting it out and it just seems to be getting heavier

Faith, hope and love: I will try to the best of my ability to hold
onto these. I have been a few times to see the amazing mircales thaat
happen because of these three things

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A girl named JILL
In the past week, my mother has desperately been trying to sell her business rather than declare bankruptcy, I have had a birthday, held a dear friend's hand in her fight to come off antidepressants and my grandmother fell and broke her leg and is now in hospital awaiting surgery. She is 83 and has Alzheimer's, what's worse is that because she has no insurance she now lies in a state hospital- the same hospital I was in and which a doctor told me I needed to be "brave" to be sick there. Each member of the family that is willing to help has been taking it in turns to sit with her and constantly reassure her. From experience I know this hospital frightened me ( at first ) so I can't imagine what it must be like for her.

In our family there are always problems, things are always wrong. But when things reach crisis level- EVERYTHING happens at once- my Mom's business ( our livelihood ) my grandmother... . I hate to say this but very secretly I am just waiting for whatever is next to hit. Because, believe me judging from the past there always has been a NEXT.

It's in times like these that I really suffer from not having any faith in God, for being unsure if he truly exists. Honestly if I did believe wholeheartedly in God right now I would be angry at him, but I would be grateful because being angry at God I think, is far better than being angry at a void. In hospital my mother, always heartbreakingly faithful prayed many prays. She doesn't pray your typical fire and brimstone prays that so many people seem to associate with the church. She spoke as she as someone would speak to a Dad, whom they loved very much. I couldn't listen to her because it was just too painful to listen my beloved mother- whom I love so much, who has never done anything wrong, who has always been faithful and loved almost beyond her capacity- BEG yet again to a God who seems intent and punishing us.

The night before last I was sitting in the hospital waiting room listening to my ipod, surrounded by sleeping bodies of people who were either waiting for news of a loved one or for treatment themselves. A song came on that has always been a source of comfort. "Desert Song" was written by Brooke Fraser and is was first sung on the Hillsong live album "This is our God". Jill McCloghry, the young women that sings with Brooke is one of the most amazing people I have ever come across and even though I have never meet her this girl has given more faith, more reason never to give up than anyone else.

About two years ago Jill and her husband tragically lost their baby boy, Max who was born prematurely. The loss of any loved one is heartbreaking but the loss of a child, especially one so little can been so overwhelming and devastating that some people never recover. Yet Jill is a women that is filled with grace and love and has faithfully gone on, putting her complete trust in God. She is now pregnant again with a little girl but has had a high risk pregnancy and they are right now praying against another premature labor.

Jill has poured her heart out in a blog in which she talks about her grief and her anger, but also her hopes and dreams and always her love and unfailing trust in her God. I love how she is allowing each experience she goes through to shape her into the person Gods wants her to be. She knows there is a eternal plan involved and she has given herself up to it. To do this is one of the most courageous things a person can do.

In truth Jill is the type of person I inspire to be. Instead of letting fear into her heart she has made the decision to praise and find joy in life's tiny fragments I envy her faith which seems to come to her so naturally. For me faith and deciding there is a God is a decision that I have to make each day, sometimes more than once. And some days I FAIL.

She gives me inspiration and if anything I can believe God is placing certain people strategically in my life who give me hope and whom He can demonstrate His love through. Maybe it's His way of quietly guiding me back to him. Right now I am in so much darkness that I can't see anything.

So many things can happen from here on. By this time next week my family's main source of income could be gone. My Nana may get worse. I may never recover from this illness. But the decision I am going to make is that My family will make it, we have each other. My Nana will walk again and I will still be victorious against depression, anxiety and BIH. A friend of mind once said that what we see right now is only a pixel of God's massive painting. I will choose, to the best of my ability to believe it.

I am posting Desert Song and another song Jill wrote called "We the Redeemed" I really wish Hillsong would use her more for their song writing, she has a true gift with writing.

If I am allowed to be smug. I am surprised at how well the last two days have gone. I haven't had any problems my depression- mostly because I haven't had time to think about myself. But the biggest thing is that my anxiety has been mostly stable, all of this INCREDIBLY without having any sleep or medication for the last two days. Unfortunately last night I reached my limit and the withdrawal began. But for two days I was fine.

AND...hopefully one of these days my posts will get shorter lol!