Sunday, March 27, 2011

House of candles: Earth Hour at my house

* Posted from my blackberry so I hope it looks ok!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Milo the trooper! Me the pooper!

I feel like I am over blogging this week but I just wanted to let everyone know that Milo had his surgery this morning and it went very well. He is awake, eating and trying to move around. Unfortunately he has to be kept absolutely still for 7 days in a cage. I have never seen him still for longer than 7 seconds and we don't own a cage so he will have to remain at the welfare for the rest of the week. We live half an hour away from the welfare so I actually haven't seen my baby boy since I brought him in on Saturday and I have this weird fear that he will have forgotten who I am already. I will be seeing him tomorrow though.

I didn't want to go into hospital today until I had heard about Milo and by the time we had, it was really to late to go. This might not have been very wise but I have been steadily losing faith in those people. Despite the tremendous pain I have had since my lumbar puncture/ spinal tap last Wednesday, I have also gone deaf in one ear and become exhausted by doing the simplest of tasks like making lunch!!. What a crime it is for a girl in her mid- twenties...who once lead the high life living in London, very active, social etc to have been reduced to this.  I f**king won't accept this!. What type of a life is this to live?. For those of you that are mothers you can only imagine what it has been like for my mother to watch this happen.

Thank- you again for all your support, it means the world to me :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Update on my baby Milo: A very weird story

Milo's tail is not broken just very bruised but unfortunately he has suffered a very bad break to his back fema and they will have to do surgery on him tomorrow to insert pins. They say that it is good that he is still very young because his bones are still soft and have better chance of healing normally.

The surgery alone will cost R2500 ( about 360USD ) and they require a 50% deposit before they even do the surgery. Hearing this news yesterday was like a death sentence....until my Mom and I get a job money has been quite tight and we just couldn't come up with that amount especially in such a short space of time so the only other alternative was to put him down which is what my Dad was lobbying for- he said he would not pay for surgery for a cat. My poor Mom burst into tears when I told her the news- she feels so responsible even though it is not her fault. She spent most of yesterday phoning around to all sorts of weird and wonderful places and foundations to see if we could get it done for less but that R2500 is WITH the animal welfare discount.

I became desperate- I was meant to be in bed but landed up laying on the floor next to my Mom as listening as each place she phoned turned us down. I actually felt nothing- something I can maybe contribute to the high dose of antidepressants I'm on, but my pain only got worse as the day wore on. I resolved that I was not going to let my cat die, I gathered up everything I had of value- my camcorder and camera printer my aunt gave me, my guitar I've had since I was a little girl, the gold charm bracelet my mother gave me for my 21st and was going to pawn them first thing this morning. I was even going to steal the 2nd microwave my Mom has. I told my Mom to phone back that bloody woman from animal welfare and tell her I would work for free to pay it off.

My Mom phoned her and spelled it out that we just did not have the money but we were not going to let our baby die so we were planning to pawn things and I would be willing to work for them. The woman did change her tune when she heard I was willing to work but she said it was not them I had to pay it was the vet.

This morning my Mom phoned this same woman back again...I don't know the details of the conversation  but she told my Mom she was willing pay for the surgery herself and we could pay her back. This is the same cow that snapped "This is not a free service" when I first brought Milo in. I don't know what the hell has gotten into her. All she told my Mom is that we didn't look like the sort of people that would "run". So the cow has turned out to be a night in shinning armour.

It gets even more....bizarre. My told her I was serious about volunteering ( I had been planning to even before Milo had his accident). My Mom also told her ( and I HATE it when she does this ) that I had been ill for a very long time. This woman then asked "Is it mental illness?" !!!! (Seriously do I have it tattooed across my forehead?!!). My Mom (bless her) told her I suffered from depression and an anxiety disorder but also the intercranial hypertension. It turns out this woman also suffers from severe depression and panic attacks. Honestly I don't know what to say...right now I am just grateful that my Milo will be okay.

I didn't post this yesterday because I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for money or anything. That is not, never has been nor never will be my intention with this blog. Granted I probably will still have to pawn all that stuff because there will be other expenses besides the surgery. Milo will  have his surgery tomorrow morning, this lady said that he has been in high spirits- eating, drinking and purring so that is a good sign. I will also be going back to hospital tomorrow to sort myself out. It's a holiday today for many countries- it's Human Rights Day here in South Africa. So by the time a lot of you read this Milo will hopefully be on the mend. Thanks to Wendy for the pet pray websites, I plan to put Milo's name on it.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Prayers/ good wishes for Milo...

Holy Mary mother of Jesus this has been one hell of a week and after reading this you will be forgiven for thinking that I shouldn't own a pet on account of bad luck. Milo appears to have broken both his tail and his back paw. There is a bad cell in battery of our car which requires either jump starting the car or pushing it to get it going. Today the car was parked on a slight incline on the in our drive way, I was standing in front of the car and my mom was rolling the car back to get it started when I heard the most awful scream. I looked down at the wheel and all I saw was Milo's tail sticking out from under it. I began yelling at my Mom to move forward. My Mom does not handle situations like this well- she couldn't start the car because it was dead. She went into hysterics, got out the car and started running up and down screaming. I started to manually lift the car up and actually got it a little bit off the ground, but not enough for Milo to get out. Two guys who had been working on the garden came running to the back of the car and started to push it back up the incline, meanwhile my Mom had gotten enough of her senses back to get back in the car and lift the handbrake. Once he was free Milo shot like a bullet into the house, ran up the stairs and into the geyser cupboard in my room with me chasing after him. It took me ten minutes to get him out. We raced him to the animal welfare, where they sedated him and will be keeping him over night until the vet comes tomorrow. These were the same people who gave us hell just because I wanted Milo vaccinated but didn't have the money to do it. And they were as snooty as hell to us this time all because we are not "underprivileged" enough.

This all has been the most horrific shock: Milo's screams and the seeing his little tail sticking out of the wheel will be forever be burned into my memory and the guilt is overwhelming. There were tuffs of his fur lying around the car. Not to mention that I think I did some serious damage to myself by trying to lift the car up and then chasing after him. It's been 3 days since my lumbar puncture/spinal tap and when I woke up this morning I still had the headache and I was deaf in one ear. After this little fiasco the pain has become excruciating...I can't cry, laugh, sneeze with out a horrible white hot thunderbolt shooting through my head. But I think it's probably nothing compared to what my poor little Milo went through.

I will only know tomorrow morning what will happen to Milo. The horrible people at the animal welfare have made it clear that we will cost us....a lot, even though I have told them I am unemployed at the moment. The one woman made a catty remark that "this isn't a free service we are giving". I wonder what they would do to Milo if I said I just couldn't pay...would they hold him ransom? put him down? or just leave him the way he was?. The dumb cow could see how upset I was but she was still being such a bitch.

A very sweet little blessing happened while I was there and this just testifies the unconditional love you can receive from a pet. They had just put Milo into his cage on the floor and I put my fingers in to stroke his head so he could go to sleep. I was crying and was in immense pain when I became aware of someone beside. An old black dog had come to sit beside me, he then put his paw on my knee and lent into me. I put my arm around him and he tried to lick me. We sat there for about five minutes just like that, somewhere in between another cat wandered up and began to rub itself against my knee. I hope those people know what a privilege it is to do what they are doing.

I realise most of you are not of a religious nature... I don't care, whatever your creed please pray for my precious fur ball tonight. If  you are not the praying kind make a wish that he will be better soon. I will be going back to hospital on Monday to find out what the hell is going with baby fur ball and I both in the same boat tonight.

Friday, March 18, 2011

This week...

With the happenings of last week, I really didn't think it was appropriate to continue my post on the hereafter, not to mention the actual movie Hereafter had a scene of a tsunami engulfing a coastline- I read somewhere that they actually stopped showing the movie in Japan because of this. I will continue this post in a few days.

And I felt, and have been feeling all this week that in the grander scheme of things my musings really didn't matter. It's the same feeling you get when you gaze up at the stars at night, realise how unimaginably big the universe is and how insignificant you are...not even a grain sand. I read somewhere that there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on this earth.

I have been truly devastated by the events happening in Japan. I actually haven't felt this way since 9/11. All week I have seen pictures of carnage, bewildered people, bodies covered and landscapes forever changed. I wish there was something I could do but I know that's impossible Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will remember that one of my dreams was to go and teach English in Japan after I graduate. My fascination with Japan started when I was the only girl in my class that would watch Dragonball Z with the boys. Forget I said that.

It's also been a week of "one-thing-after-another". On Monday I had my last session with my psychologist. My godfather is unable to pay for my sessions anymore. Obviously this is a huge loss but I am so grateful to him for his kindness, it saved me. Last Friday, I refused to go to therapy because I found out my Dad was e-mailing my therapist in what I think was an attempt to influence her. As far as I know you have to get the patient's consent to e-mail their therapist. It was the worst breach of privacy and although it may seem childish I decided not go to make statement that this was one area he would never be able to control

I ended a friendship last week before the earthquake. Believe me this was not something that do often and I didn't take it very lightly. I am still wondering if I did the right thing. Basically it boiled down to: "How long am I going to let this girl hurt me?" "Do I really have time for a flake?. The answer to both questions was in the negative. You see I have been really blessed when it comes to friends. I don't have a truckload of friends like my sister, but the friends I do have,have walked through fire with me, loved me unconditionally are constant sources of hope. I would do anything for them. Once you have had a friendship like that you really don't have time for the social butterflies who are here today and gone tomorrow but still depend heavily on you. That's what this girl was.

I was in hospital on Wednesday. What was meant to be a check up with the combined services of neurology and psychiatry turned into my having lumbar puncture/ spinal tap number 6. The actual procedure went well but it is now Friday and I STILL have a headache from the LP and body aches. I feel like I am 80. My one daily focus right now is painkillers.

For the last two days the surrounding area where I live has been engulfed in flames. The result of some fog throwing a cigarette butt out of a car window. At night the symphony of flames dancing with the moon can be very beautiful but once a new day dawns reality hits. Magical forests are now piles of ash, wild animals have burnt to death, the once beautiful landscape blackened. This morning I wondered where Basil and Buttercup were. Along the main road there is a mass exodus of fire trucks carry filthy, exhausted firemen. While new shiny ones go in the opposite direction, ready for battle.

Everything seems so big at the moment and I feel so little! So I am going to lay this very achy little head of mine down and try and get some sleep...

Friday, March 11, 2011

Japan: to the land of the rising sun...I salute you!

I cannot BELIEVE I am doing this again in such a short space of time. With the gorgeous country of New Zealand still picking up the pieces from their own earthquake, Japan will now be facing many dark days.

Japan is the country of my dreams... I have held a fascination with it's multi- faceted culture ever since I was a little girl, it is my dream to go there to work ( most likely to teach English ) once I finish my studies. Having this disaster anywhere is terrible but it was especially heartbreaking for me to watch those tsunami waves crash into the countryside and seeing pictures of rubble and distraught people.

To The Depressed Reader, one of my readers and former blogger, Takashi I only know that you both live in or around Tokyo and you were most likely affected. I hope that you are both unharmed and that your friends and family are safe. My hope is that there will be no more loss of life and minimal injuries, how possible that is I don't know. To everyone else...please take care of yourselves.

Also the the people living in the areas that have been issued Tsunami alerts (New Zealand, the Philippines, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii among others) Please be careful!.

I try to be as genuine as I can in situations like this and not say things that are cliched....I honestly can say that you will be in my thoughts today.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


A few weeks ago after yet another visit to the doctor, I saw Clint Eastwood's latest movie ( at least his latest movie in South Africa ) Hereafter, pretty self- explanatory- it's all about kicking the eternal bucket. I was nervous about seeing this film, I guess it would be normal for any person to have reservations about seeing a movie which will remind them about their own mortality. But I have had some horrible experiences with death or  more specifically with the idea of death. I have mentioned before that I lost a good friend to cancer when I was 10 years old. I had the typical childish fear of death back then. After she died though I was no longer afraid, why I am not entirely sure. It was first time someone close to me had died and  it was almost as though once someone had taken the plunge first it wasn't so bad any more. Once the initial shock and grief of her death had waned I remember thinking how dying seemed like such a grown up thing for such a little girl to do.

In 2007 when I was very emotionally ill before my breakdown, one of the strange psychiatric developments that came about was the strong illusion that I was going to die. I had the absolute conviction that, say, this time next week I would no longer be alive and that I was definitely going to die by Tuesday or Wednesday. Once Tuesday and Wednesday had rolled round, it didn't make a difference....I was definitely going to die by Thursday or Friday. I will not ever be able to properly express how massively terrifying this was. I was living in the US....away from my family, I had no friends yet and I was to ashamed to tell the people I was living with. How exactly do you tell someone that?. I started packing my things away. I made a list of my things saying who was to get what once I was gone. I pleaded with God to save me, getting just silence in return. Once I had my breakdown however to me there was no God. In one single night all the faith that I had in my whole life, everything I believed in disappeared. It shattered me, broke my heart beyond repair and I don't think I will ever be the same.

Those where hard times but I have come a LONG way and I have faced what happened. If I look back with the knowledge that I have now and with most of my sanity once again intact, I can now see why my breakdown happened and how it happened. Why I developed that sudden obsession with death before my breakdown, I'll never know.

So you can understand why I was a little apprehensive about seeing this movie. Apprehensiveness for me normally goes hand in hand with if I am apprehensive about seeing a movie, it will most likely be the first movie I see- the same thing happened with Black Swan.

I was actually really surprised despite the fact that there are parts of this movie that are incredibly sad, the best way I can describe the mood is soothing and mellow. Really weird if you consider it's content. And there was no creepiness which was refreshing. I spoke with a friend who also saw this movie and we agreed that we both came away feeling like we had found solace. For me personally it made me feel better about death- whether that's for the short or long term I'm not exactly sure.

Afterwards, I started thinking about death practically for the first time, without the fear factor involved. Yes, I am a mortal, one day I will draw my last breath just like everybody else that is reading this (unless you have found the eternal fountain of youth ) and whether it's fair or not none of us are guaranteed to live to old age.

Probably the most difficult thing about facing my fear of death is what will happen to me after I die. I was raised in a Christan household. I actually became a born- again christian when I was 12. I was taught that if I asked Jesus for forgiveness of my sins and dedicated my life to him that I would live with him in heaven for all eternity. Then I became an unbeliever for several years and I believed that when I died the lights would go out and I would cease to exist but then to many things happened (which I won't go into right now) to once again make me believe otherwise- call me a flake.

Now my relationship with God is on the mend- that will probably take the rest of my life. But I can't say my belief in the afterlife has been strengthened. If I am going to be honest...not only do I find the  most popular Christian belief of the afterlife hard to believe.....I er, don't find it all that appealing either. Streets of gold and gems just don't do it for me and - I think I may really offend some people here- most Christians...the evangelical kind drive me nuts and the thought of spending eternity with all of them is a hugely unpleasant thought.

I am very aware ( and respectful ) that most of my readership are actually non- believers (mental illness + God = doesn't seem to go) but I am still really interested in what you believe happens to you when you die: do you believe you will go to heaven to be with God?, do you believe that "the lights will go out" and that will be it? or do you believe that something happens but you are not sure what?. I once came across I a guy that believed in God 100% but didn't believe in an afterlife. I also knew a girl who believed our energy was absorbed by the universe and we became part of the stars. I have come across so many people, of no religion that believe in reincarnation. I realise this discussion has been done a million times but I would like to have it here.

PLEASE NOTE: If someone says something you don't agree with  DO NOT go into the attack mode. That won't be allowed and I will delete your comment. Just had to mention that because I know these things can get people pretty passionate about this subject :) .

Later on I will write a post about what I think the afterlife may be, my own interpretation of what the bible says about it ( there's much more to it than freaking clouds and pearly gates ) and what I want the afterlife to be. Three very different things.

Below is the trailer to Hereafter: