Friday, April 30, 2010


It can come at anytime. It could be a warm sunny day. I could be having coffee with my mother or laughing my head off with my friends. I could be happy and content and suddenly The Feeling strikes and bruises my heart: The most overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness will literally consume me. It will tear the smile of my face and drown me in tears.

I know I am not alone in feeling this way, even though when it happens I do feel very, very alone. For me there are triggers that start the spiral downward. I’m still trying to figure out what these triggers are, I know one of them is seeing a person or animal that I feel sorry for but they can be anything really. Sometimes it would be the oddest things. Today I saw beautiful girl in the grocery store, she was doing promotions….for sanitary pads. Yes most of you will find this funny, she was standing there with a pad stuck to cardboard underwear. She had a huge smile on her face trying to get people’s attention, but everyone was ignoring her. It wasn’t an easy product to promote and she was trying her best. I felt so sorry for her.

Sometimes it can be something that is worth all the tears a person can give. There was a massive photograph on the front page of the newspaper yesterday. The photographer had taken a picture of a little boy- just minutes after he had learned his mother had been murdered.

This will start a process – sadness, thinking about everything that’s wrong with my life and with the world and eventually the loneliness with set in the leaving me in a dark hole. The hurt is so great I almost can’t stand it. I wish they had a pill for sadness….

I feel like the only thing that can help ease the hurt it is a long bear- hug. The worse thing about when I lived overseas is I would go for weeks without anyone touching me, never mind hugging. Comfort eating was a huge part of trying to numb the pain, I used to do the most ridiculous things to try and replace a hug: rolling my body up in my winter duvet, like a huge sausage roll. Sometimes when I was in public I would find a loved- up couple or a mommy or daddy with their kiddies and follow them, just to see them love each other. It was a reminder that there were still pockets of sunshine in a very harsh world.

Positive thinking: tomorrow the sun will rise again, that girl will make a fortune in commissions because of her smile and….THIS TO SHALL PASS…

1 comment:

  1. You are strong enough to mention such personal things about yourself. You are a survivor. No matter how much i feel like dying most of the time, I persevere.