Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hope for the flowers part 4.....

When I got to the doctor the nurse took my temperature, blood, pressure and pulse. My blood pressure was sky- high and when checking my pulse she said, " It's amazing, you look so calm but your pulse is racing".I remember she was looking at me like a crazy person. Even though there was a patient before me, she called the doctor to come and see me first. I was actually embarrassed about seeing the doctor, because, where I came from you don't see the doctor just because you were nervous. But she told me it sounded as though I was suffering from Generalized anxiety disorder and most likely depression and she said that it was actually quite common.

She gave me prescription for 10mg Lexapro (antidepressants) and then a small prescription for Xanax (sedatives) - to help until the antidepressants worked their way into my system (about six weeks). I took both pills as soon as I got home. I had never taken a sedative before and boy, it didn't waste any time working on me. Within 15 minutes I could feel all the horrible tension start to leave my body and it had some consequences. I had been so hyped up that I didn't feel the aches and pains from completely overdoing it at the gym the day before and it was only then that I realised how badly I hurt my arm- I had stretched the muscle so badly that I could hardly move it. I fell into drug- fuelled sleep. The next few day were spent in a sedated haze that I can barely remember now.

A few things before I go. Generalized Anxiety disorder and depression are two disorders not to be messed around with. In reality I believe, firstly, that if I had gotten help sooner, even from the people around me it would never have gotten that bad. My stubbornness got me so sick that it nearly killed me. I believe that I should have been hospitalized (and at one point the doctor did suggest it) but I wasn't fortunate enough to have health insurance. Secondly, even though I am still on antidepressants now, I think this should be used at a last resort- you can't rely on drugs to keep you calm and happy for the rest of your life, you need to get to the source of the problem and develop some coping skills. Antidepressants treat the symptoms and not the cure. That being said there are times when they are necessary and the refusal to take them can be detrimental, my problems started because of a of two reasons- past events that had never been resolved were starting to take it's toll but a big part of what happened in America was a chemical imbalance- I needed medication at the time to correct it. What happened was no ones fault- with me being so secretive about it the people around me acted in the best way the knew how.

Thank- you for enduring such a long post, that's the majority of the dark stuff told. I am determined to make this blog more uplifting, but need to get some stuff out of the way first.

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