Thursday, April 22, 2010

My hope for the flowers....Part 1

On the 2ND January 2007, I woke up suddenly at 2am to a very eerie bedroom and the strangest feeling. Everything was dark and dead quite- I was lying on my stomach peering out the window- all seemed normal but I felt like something was terribly wrong. Then the weirdest feeling- how I can best describe it, it was as though an ice- cold claw slowly curled round my heart and held it in a vice -grip. A feeling of horrible fear and dread filled me- so much so that I actually stopped breathing and was paralysed. I told myself that if I could just move and get some noise and light into the room then it would just go away. I forced myself to get up, switch the light on and turn on the T.V. I walked around the house to get a grip. Everything seemed normal but it wasn't- that episode had freaked me out so much that I slept for the rest of the night with the T.V and light on. I was afraid to go to bed after that and if I did attempt to I always slept with the light on.

At the time I was living in America, I had left home nearly three years before, spent two years living in London, UK before moving to California. I was on a great adventure but I had been away from home for a long time.

After that night in my room something had changed, it was small at first but day after day it began to take over my life. I was nervous, terrified all the time for no apparent reason. I began to get sick- my asthma flared up for the first since I was a child, I suffered nausea, headaches, my hair started falling out. I had heart palpitations which shocked me- didn't that only happen to older people? How was it possible that I could have heart attack at 23!?.


  1. I've been there, still am sometimes, or most of the time. It is somewhat comforting that there are others that feel these awful things and have to face the day somehow when everything seems to be falling. It is hard. I guess if I tell you to keep fighting, I should too, but I am so tired. Tired of it.

  2. Yep that was pretty awful. This breakdown has left it's mark on me, it's like it's scared me for life.

    Once you hit the bottom there is no other place to go but up. It's getting up that's the problem- but you can't give up. I'm telling YOU to keep fighting. You are here for a reason, even though it may not be clear to you now. Don't give up, don't let this get you!