Sunday, April 25, 2010

My hope for the flowers Part 3.....

There is always a point when everything hits the fan, when the volcano finally explodes. That day came on 13Th March 2007. By now I had suicidal thoughts, I felt as though my mind wasn't my own anymore and I might do something rash. The anxiety was always with me and had became so bad it was actually physically painful- really PAINFUL. I wasn't sleeping at all and I couldn't eat, I began losing weight rapidly (this NEVER happens, I can eat my way through stomach flu). I was exhausted and my body was breaking down. I got home from work on the 13Th, it was raining. I had been convinced that I would have a car accident on the way home but was resolved that I was given one more day. I went on the Internet and read a creepy story about girl who had said to her husband one night "I'm so tired, maybe I'll be leaving this world", the next night she was killed in a car accident. I googled "premonition of death". After I read enough I went back to my room. I was looking out the window when I was overcome by intense pain, I couldn't breathe, heart was pounding, I was shaking so badly I collapsed to the floor- on the way my nails scraped the paint off walls and started bleeding. I don't remember much or how long I lay there, but I remember I was terrified and started praying.

I tearfully phoned my parents that night- I didn't tell them exactly what happened all I said is that everyone around me was dying and I felt that I was next. Both my Mom and Dad came onto phone at the same time and were praying with me. They couldn't understand what was going on. I tried to eat but couldn't. After the panic went away, the anxiety was still there but I felt disconnected from everything- like I wasn't really there but outside my body watching what was happening to me. I didn't feel pain anymore but I couldn't feel any else- I started beating my arms down on the kitchen counter just to try and feel something. By now I think the people in the house must have been scared of me and just wanted to avoid me- I don't blame them. I went and lay down on the bathroom floor for an hour just staring at the ceiling. I was hoping that my parents prays over me would save me and protect me but I knew with all certainty that it wasn't over.

I went to bed taking deep breathes to try and calm myself down. I finally managed to fall into a light dose. At 3:10am - I can remember the exact time to this day- I woke up with a painfull jolt and with one powerful, overwhelming thought in my mind- it was as though I had been thinking about it while I was asleep: God didn't exist, he had never existed, everything had been a lie, the bible was just weirdly written fairy tale and I was part of an evolutionary process that all began with a big bang. And when I died- which I felt was going to happen very soon I was going nowhere- I would just cease to exist.

For those of you that Christians or even religious or spiritual- people who have based their life on their beliefs, everything they are as a person is because of what they believe and God is their greatest source of love. Try and imagine just for one minute ( and I know it may be impossible for some of you) what it would feel like if that was taken away from you what if you found out everything you believed was a lie? Can you imagine the absolute horrendous devastation?. I was a lukewarm christian with questions but I felt as though part of me died that night and even after all these years I still don't think I will ever be the same. I was praying , pleading with the holy spirit to rescue me but there was nothing. In hindsight though, if God and his angels had suddenly opened the heavens with trumpets and harps and started speaking to me, judging by the condition I was already in, that probably would have rendered me permanently insane. I'm trying to understand I really am, but a part of me is saying, "You could have done something!".

I went to work the next morning and the minute my co- worker ( who is now one of my best friends) saw me the look on her face told me everything: the time for hiding was over. I sat at my desk the whole day, in a panic-stricken state, sweating, not being able to keep anything in my stomach, shaking, always thirsty and constantly going to the toilet (that had to be one of the most annoying symptoms). I was always very chatty and bubbly in the office, but that day I was dead quiet. All the while my co- worker calmly corrected all the BAD mistakes I was making, covered for me and generally kept people from bothering me. At some point during the day she said to me, " I know it's your anxiety, it's bad, you need to go to the doctor". I was being stubborn but she kept on insisting. Finally I called and made an appointment the next morning.

My co- worker and I went to gym after to work, I thought that would be a great outlet for my stress so really worked out hard. But it didn't do much good. I was so desensitized that when I accidentally yanked my arm the wrong way it didn't even hurt. When I went to bed, I didn't sleep as usual. My anxiety was always worse at night so I sat in bed rocking back and forth watching a Hillsong T.V episode that I had taped over and over. I even went for a walk down the street. I decided the next morning that I could not face another day like that at work.

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