Sunday, February 20, 2011

The ramblings of a dull, bitchy mind

My hair is getting way to long…ginger curls that are suffocating in the heat and feel heavy. I go through periods of wanting to shave my head to be free of it.

I’ve been told by other red heads that I am lucky I don’t possess the epidemic of freckles that go with being a carrot top….they should see me after a day in the sun.

I had to get up early this morning to care for my elderly grandmother so my parents could go to church. Feed her, put her on the toilet and generally make sure she doesn’t freak out to much. Unfortunately she wet her skirt because I left her to long on the potty and she moved.

Why is it that I can still taste my medication two hours after I have taken them?

The meds have put into a four- year haze

I asked my Mom to bring me a bag of something nice when she got home. She brought me celery and eggplant. Both of which I like, but not exactly what I had in mind. My Mom’s fear of my landing up overweight like my Dad has been ruling my life since I was seven, when it became clear that I had inherited his genes.

I have been battling an eating disorder/ food addiction since I was seven.

I am tired of being raked over the coals by both atheists and Christians. To Christians I committed the ultimate sin: I lost faith and I denied God’s existence. To atheists I did the unthinkable I took my faith, as small as a mustard seed and decided I wanted to know God again. Both feel betrayed.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.

I just want to be normal again.

Define normal?

Some days it takes me two hours just to get to the point where I can get out of bed. Other days it will take me the same amount of time just to make my bed: I straighten one side stare at it for half an hour then straighten the other side.

I dread every time my sister comes home. She is always a reminder of what I have missed in life and what I am missing. We are not close and never have been.

Does anyone know how to put my banner in the middle? It's driving me crazy...

The realisation that I could loose my cousin is starting to terrify me. He hasn't got his results back yet but fear and imagination are a cruel thing. He's cool with everything. Why don't I know him better?. Regrets.

For university, it took me a whole day to get through half a study unit…which is normally only supposed to take four hours. I guess I can call it a success.


  1. I think some days we all feel "normal" which for me, that life doesn't seem to be such an effort that I want to stay in bed all day. I keep forgetting that there's a lot of people who don't have any type of mood disorder and life just seems to flow easier for them, even though of course I know they have struggles. It's the little things for me that twist me up the most, and the fact that you can be so honest and open about all the struggles you face shows your strength and courage, Stephi...even though you may not feel it.

  2. Wendy-

    Like you's the LITTLE things. All together they can create one big problem...

  3. Wow. Ups and downs all over in this post.

    And to me that is normal. The kind of normal you mention is not something I am familiar with except as an observer. While there are temptations for me, I think it would get boring. Normal people have no spark, no color.

    I'll keep my tie-dyed life. (Like I have any choice.)

  4. Robin- it was a very up and down day! and as for "normal" people...who needs them?!. I doubt I would have gotten the same appreciation though if I had rambled this allowed in a bus or a supermarket!