Anyway, on Christmas day, one of the bloggers that I follow put up his resolutions for 2011...It got me thinking. The only resolution I have ever made on the new year was to loss weight- there was one year I resolved to read the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy but the end of the year ( managed to finish The Fellowship of the Ring just before Christmas of that year...FAIL!)
Christmas and New Years is actually an extremely difficult time for me. I think Steve Martin in the movie Mixed Nuts summed it up perfectly when he said that Christmas is a time that everything you have ever done is placed under a magnifying glass. The same goes for New Years. Another year has passed, I am older and things most likely have either gotten worse or haven't changed at all.
On the eve of every new year, I wonder if this is the year that things will change, maybe this is the year that I will finally be set free from depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts and loneliness. Maybe this will be the year that things will finally start happening and I will get on the road to achieving all those fantastic dreams I had when I was 18 and the world was just waiting for me.
I have finally come to the conclusion that that will never happen. At least it won't if things stay the way they are. There are things I need to take care of first before any of those things can happen. So these are my goals/ resolutions for 2011- most of them are more life goals and the real goal is to at least start something whether or not I finish it.
- Start to tackle my eating disorder/ addiction to food: I actually feel uncomfortable calling it an eating disorder when I think about people that have died or starved to death as the result of Anorexia or Bulimia, but I have been informed that yes the emotional turmoil and dependence that is a result of food addiction indeed classifies it as an eating disorder. I have never discussed this on my blog and this year will be the first time that I will be facing it after years of denial. Food has almost a demonic hold over my life it is so deeply rooted in my depression that I sometimes wonder if it is not the same thing. Looking at me you would never know it- no I am not someone that needs to be removed from my house by a crane. But believe me I know what those people suffer. Even as I write this- the first time I am admitting it in a public forum- something painful is stirring within me. I can honestly say this will be the hardest battle that I will ever have to face. But I am ready for it because I desire to be free.
- Continue to manage my depression: I don't know if God has it in my path to be free of this terror in my life, a lot of you may not understand this but I believe He is going use me and my experience. But I believe that He loves me and will never give me anything more than I can handle. I will continue to do everything I can to live my best life despite my depression and GAD
- Face my abuse/ forgive my father. As long as I hold onto the past and continue to let hate and pain rule my life I will never be any better. I know why my Dad is the way he is. But at 71 years old and being riddled with heart disease I desire that whenever God chooses to take him His forgiveness and mine will enable him to go in peace.
- Get a job/ study: I go back to University next month. I have resolved that no matter how sick I am I will continue to study. I have such a huge desire to learn...to study. I am blessed to be able to do this and I will give it my all. As for the job I NEED to earn my OWN money :)
- Continue blogging
- Pay attention to my relationships
Happy New Year!
I personally don't like that word "resolution" because it sounds so black and white when how we transform is not so strict, there's too many areas of gray but it sounds like you're being conscious of that and taking steps that will be more about the journey and less about the destination. I also have a love/hate relationship with food and so I totally understand and relate to your hesitancy with blogging about it. I need to open up about my struggles with food/eating as well. I'll be supporting and encouraging you on with all your goals, Stephi :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Wendy, I'm glad to hear from you!. I will be blogging about my struggles with food because like I said I do need to be accountable. I am very scared about having to face this because I think I'm going to have to almost pull myself apart in order to put myself back together again. So support and encouragemnet will be greatly appreciated x
ReplyDelete"I have finally come to the conclusion that that will never happen."
ReplyDeleteStephi it broke my heart to read that line and if I can impart anything from my own experience it is don't believe that. You are still very young with a full life ahead of you. I know you struggle and life seems difficult, but it's when we stop believing that depression can really take hold.
I really liked your list because all the items seem very realistic goals rather than setting yourself up to fail. I hope that 2011 brings you lots of strength and brighter days!
Hey Miss Running,
ReplyDeleteWhat I actually meant- in my hurried typing- is that nothing will happen unless I take action. But yes, after having lived the life I have lived, I don't believe that things will just turn out unless I work towards a goal. It really sucks that some people will continuely fall into the butter and have good fortune wherever they go. But living this way has made me strong:)
x
Great goals Stephi, and I wish you all the best with them! I think this will be a good year for you. You have also inspired me to post my goals- I wrote them in December but never published them- so if you read my post later know that you are my inspiration x
ReplyDeleteThanks Foxy! It's gonna be real tough to conquer some of these. Looking forward to reading your post x
ReplyDelete