Friday, December 3, 2010

Repost: Fighting the good fight

I was thinking about this as I was putting my baby bed tonight. This was a post that I made six months ago and was actually inspired by friend Karen who was dealing with the death of her step sister, her close friend and her dog...all within the space of a month. My mind has been whirling with fear mostly of the future- wondering if I will ever finish university, live in Japan, see my family in the US, travel...have a life worth meaning. I'm wondering if I will still be alive next year or if I will finally succumb to the exhausting fight with the Black dog or if my BIH will eventually render me blind.

And then there is the fear I have for my little girl which is worse because it is something I virtually have no control over. She is only with me for a very short while in which I need to do my very best to make a difference in her life before releasing her back into her home where she will have to face some hard battles- mostly on her own. It hurts, it hurts to see her change and flourish and then realise where she will be going back to. I am choosing right now to have faith in my God. I have no choice. I will believe that God will be with her and walk every step of that road she has to take. I will believe that He has already given her a bright future. I will believe He has made her a fighter and He will fight with her. I have faith in her that she can do anything.

So it is on that note that I give you my old post, I have re- read this many times over the last six months and it has always given me back my perspective.


This is an extract from an e-mail I sent my friend Karen last night. I've had real trouble being able to put into words what I have been feeling in the last two weeks. This is horrible because people around me don't know how to help me and I feel like there s impenetrable wall between me and them. It's very lonely and desolate feeling. This letter sums up my goal:

03 June 2010:

Today would have been the 26th birthday of Bronwyn, she was a little girl I was good friends with at school. She died of cancer when she was only ten years old. Tonight we and the rest of my old classmates scattered across the world lit a candle for her. One thing that I will always remember about her is how hard she fought- 3 weeks before she died she was still determined to go to school. In 2003 another very good friend of mine, Bonita died after a car accident. I will always feel guilty about Bonita because I feel that I wasn't as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

The thing that Bronwyn and Bonita had in common is that they were both fighters and even they died young, both of them lived their lives fully. After Bonita died I couldn't go to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the country, her parents send me the program and her obituary. Right underneath her picture was this:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness,
Which the Lord, the righteous Judge will award to me on that day-
And not only to me,
But to all who have longed for his appearing

2 Timothy: 7-8

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that winning a race is not as important as finishing it. I have always hoped that that verse could be used in my obituary one day..... I feel a little guilty- I want to give up more then I want to press on and you know my position with the Lord . In terms of a race... I'm still sitting in the middle of the track staring at the damn finish line and not budging.

This is my message to you today- fight the good fight and finish race. Here is a little inspiring video to drive home my point. I can still remember this like it was yesterday...


  1. Oh Stephi, I"m so sorry that all this loss and death is overwhelming you. As a mother I completely understand the devastation you must feel having to say goodbye to your baby. I never had to have that experience with my son, but I know how loss feels. Right now, your depression is having a strong hold on you. Try not to let yourself get too overwhelmed with the future kind of thinking. I'm not an expert on how to control anxiety or keeping myself afloat when the black dog bites really hard, but I know that surrounding myself with people who really care about me is essential. Whether it's blogging or being with people who add to my life (not detract) from it in the "real world." Know that I care very deeply about you, even though we "met" just a little while ago. Just keep taking a moment at a time and if you have a therapist that you trust, share all your fears, anguish and everything else that's keeping you down.
    Big hugs and blessings to you.

  2. Hey Wendy,

    Yes things are extremely overwhelming right now. I am going to write a special post about my girl. She is actually not my biological's a really long story but basically I am caring for her for a little while. Trying to surround myself with positive people, because...have you met my family? :) Thanks for your kind words I glad I finally connected with you- it took a while to get up the courage because I am so shy but I am glad I did it ! :)