Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Things...they are not too good

So I wanted to make a post on Friday...and then Friday turned into Saturday. Saturday somehow became Monday and I have been wandering around the house for most of today wondering what to write. I know there is a post in there somewhere but I am not sure how to write this.

For as long as I can remember the closer Christmas draws, bad news whatever it may be will find me. I have to be very delicate in sharing this as I do not  want any ill- favor to fall the person that is involved.

About two months ago I was horribly, severely depressed...more suicidal than I have ever been. It was the first time I felt I had no choice. However part of me was either afraid of dying or didn't want to give up so I actually told my parents. My Dad told me well done for confessing but there was nothing he could do for me as he "had no money" and he then ignored me. My Mom reacted with as much love, compassion and fear as she has. She always does that, I didn't think anything would come of it but I scared her more then I thought and she called my godfather who offered to pay for a psychologist. She also called a lady that I have known since I was a baby who is a church counsellor.

To cut a long story short I have been seeing this psychologist for about two months. Two weeks ago her secertary e-mailed me the bill as she had failed to get in touch with my godfather ( he lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere and travels often). I was firstly hit with shock and guilt at the amount and then secondly began to really worry that....it hadn't been paid. Two more weeks went by, my therapist would briefly bring the bill up and I had no idea what to tell her. I soon found out though that the school fees of my twelve- year old cousin- which he also pays for- were seriously overdue. I made the decision then and there to tell my therapist the truth and stop therapy immediately until the bill had been paid.

I have just found out that my godfather's business partner has done him out of a lot of money and there has been an ongoing court case where his brother's grown up children are suing the family estate for another whole lot of money. Basically....the guy is strapped.

Now let me explain a few things...my godfather is actually my mother's first cousin- my second cousin. He is the patriarch of a giant family and ALL the family member with problems come running to either him or my mother. He helped my parents put my sister and I through a private school, fully paid for my last year of highschool at a private homeschool, helped me go overseas, paid some of my university fees. As I write this I want to cry because I feel so guilty....and thankful. He has given my parents money more times than I can remember. Right now he is supporting my loser aunt and her whole family by paying their rent. If I could count how much money that woman has manipulated him to give it would probably run into millions.

I am more than grateful that he has done this for me because it pulled me back from the brink.

But I am now left with a massive bill that neither me or my parents can pay. Money that is being set aside for me to go back to university is dwindling as it is. And it has sunk me even further into the mounting debt that I am struggling to pay off. Not only that, the stress and pure fear this has brought me is undoing all the hard work that I have done in the past weeks.

During the day my hands are full with teaching a six year old little girl to read and write and generally taking care of her. Although this has been exhausting it has been a blessing in disguise because it has kept my mind off my troubles. But at night, or whenever I get a chance to be alone, the terrible dread fills me. It is not just my debts although that's enough to cause sleepless nights, it's the fear that I won't be able to go back to university therefore not be able to go to Japan ( it may be a weird aspiration but it's an aspiration that means a whole lot to me). I want to live and extraordinary live and achieve the impossible- that feeling is the last shred I have of the old me, the me the died when I had my breakdown and I have been clinging onto it with both hands but it is slowly slipping away.

Most of all I want to get better or be in a place where I can managed this wretched illness that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. It has nearly killed me, it makes me want to die. I kept remembering what one of my church counsellors told me, that I have never known freedom. I remember that because he was right. How tragic and funny that the apple is always dangling beyond my reach.

I have been busy while writing this post. I have not seen my therapist in two weeks and my mother made an appointment for me tomorrow. This has made me feel very uncomfortable and quite frankly I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. While writing I have attempted to cancel my appointment only to be stopped by my mother. This has resulted in huge argument between me and my parents ( funny how my Dad always reappears when the arguing starts). I don't really know what to do, I am dreading the appointment tomorrow. Of course my Mom told my therapist that I have been sinking further and further into depression since I have seen her. I feel a reprimand coming my way.

If you have been reading this post, thank you for reading it until the end. I wrote this hoping that I could transport some of my fears from me into cyberspace, where hopefully it will disappear forever. Maybe it will work....


  1. I'm so sorry you're having to face all this financial hell which is really taking a toll on your already fragile state of mind. Why do you feel guilty though and what purpose does it serve? Your god-father is an adult and wouldn't have taken on anything financial if he didn't want to. If anything, I'd be disappointed with him because his lack of communication and how he left you and others in a lurch. It's really unfortunate that he couldn't give you a full explanation of what he was struggling with as that's HIS responsibility not yours. So, what can you do? I would talk to your therapist about your feelings of "shame", my choice of words, not yours. It is essential you see someone who is in your corner and won't walk away. A lot of times, a counselor can see you on lower reduced fees. And talk about this horrible burden you carry around because you have no way of paying it right now. Just explain that you never intended for this to happen if you can and see if you can work out a financial arrangement that doesn't break you. I know how hard it is to talk about money. It's a harder subject to talk about more than religion, sex and politics, that used to be taboo. You're doing the best you can do and really give yourself credit that you keep taking every day on when you most want to not wake up because of the pain. Again, try to take one day at a time and just ask yourself, what can I do now? It may feel like it's impossible to keep on going, but you can....Don't give up.

  2. Hey Wendy,

    Thanks as, always for your wonderful support. I did go to my therapy session today- even though many times I wanted to bolt out of the car!. My therapist was very understanding and said that it wasn't about the money for her and that she wasn't going to be unreasonable. I am already seeing her at half price. Both my godfather, my parents and I will be paying for my therapy from now on. I still have a lot of doubt of how it is going work out, but I guess I have no choice.

    The reason my godfather hadn't spoke to me is because he made the arrangement with my mom- as childish as that seems. I'm not he is only concern and he has spent the last few weeks working hard and trying to clean the mess that has been made- he forgot?. I am ashamed because I vowed that I would never become like all the losers in my family who rely on my godfather and mother for everything. I think I will feel like this until the day I can support myself once again and give back what they have given me. My therapist also pointed out that I am devoting myself to a little girl in my family and teaching her how to read and right. None of "the others" would ever have taken this on.

    I always enjoy reading your lovely blog and appreciate your comments on mine. Many blessings to you and your BEAUTIFUL kitties.

    P.S Er, to me religion is STILL the worst topic to discuss. People either become really loud or really quiet when it's brought up. I'm still trying to figure out how to bring up my beliefs here in a way that won't make people feel uncomfortable....or irrate

  3. Oh, I'm so glad that your therapist was able to really support you in a way that validates how important you are. As for feeling the shame about borrowing money from the godfather, all of us need financial help at one point of our lives, esp. those of us who have mood disorders. The fact that you said you don't want to be a leech, says to me, that you won't be. And you ARE giving back by helping your little girl. That is one of the most selfless acts a person can do. Who are you afraid of or get flack from about your religion and why?? You're beautifully spiritual and I feel sorry for those people who don't honor your path. It's not like you're preaching at all or saying everyone's a sinner. You definitely need to keep still blooming and growing and know that someday you WILL find a community, here on the net at least who value you and what you so generously share and give. My kitties send warm purrs and snuggles to you.

  4. Thanks again Wendy and kitties! Guilt is part of my nature and I guess pride too...I used to be one of the care givers in my family and I was so proud of the fact that I wasn't one of the *ahem* "losers".

    When I feel that I can do the subject of my beliefs justice I will start blogging about it. I believe firmly in humility and loving people just the way the are...not preaching the bloody socks of them.

    Have a great day!

  5. Hi Stephi -

    Again, I wish I had read this earlier -but everything I would have said would have mirrored what Wendy said - I like this Wendy! :) She has great advice - you should listen to her! :)

    I completely know how uncomfortable it can be to see your therapist knowing there are "unresolved" financial issues... There was one point during my therapy where my bill got so out of control I was so embarrassed to go a session - afraid of when she would bring up the bill... I always paid what I could - but at the rate I was doing so it wasn't really much - in the end it all worked out - and things ALWAYS do... Today I am in a different place and thankfully I am able to pay for my sessions at the end of every month (and thankfully my therapist is giving me a reduced rate as well otherwise there's no way I'd be able to see her as much and therefore wouldn't be as far along as I am...

    From all I've read about you since I've started reading your blog I can tell you are NOT a leech or whatever... You have a good heart and have nothing to be ashamed of... you're doing the best you can... the universe will all work out the way it should - have faith in that...

    As for your comment on religion, you have me curious now... only because I'm very open to all religions... I was born and raised Catholic (so people automatically assume that I'm close-minded, etc.... on the contrary... Who is to say what religion is the "right" religion"? I think that as long as we live our lives in a caring and kind way... treating others as we would expect to be treated - that's all that matters... that's all that is asked of us... So - if you want to discuss religion I'm all for it :) :)

    Take care Stephi!


  6. Hey Christine!

    Yep Wendy is pretty awesome- she has been a great friend to me :).

    Thanks for your support, as things have worked out I will still be seeing my therapist in the new year- she is already seeing me at half price and she said it is not about the money for her. My godfather is still paying for my sessions and my Dad has said that he will pay for some of them- although I think my godfather will land up paying everything, if you know what I mean...

    I thing I mentioned in one of my blog posts that I live in a family where your very worth is placed on how much you can do for the family. Because I can't work I am given other things to do and to be honest because of my meds I am having great difficulty trying to keep up. I am not getting a lot of support for this and am made to feel very guilty- that and the fact that I already do feel guilty = one big GUILT trip.

    I'm not sure where I made a comment about relgion in this post , but if you are talking about the part where my counsellor said that I have never known freedom it goes like this. I have spent my whole life in the chains of anger, fear, guilt, hatred and self- haterd. I have no idea how to break free. What my counsellor was alluding to is that God can break through those chains and pull me out of the dark prison I have been living in. I have seen it happen- I knew a girl that had suffered the most unimaginable abuse and tragdies in her live. She was into drugs, prostition and had broken the law more times than she could remember. My church counsellor got hold of her, I don't know all that happened but the change was so profound she even physically looked different. She is now married with children and is a missionary!

    The problem I have is that I spent several years as an athiest and I have no idea how to let God in now. I have so many questions. It's going to be a long journey!