Wednesday, September 29, 2010

3:34 am

Oh what I wouldn't give right now to be inhabiting The Land of Nod. To be passed out in blissful slumber. But no, it's 3:34am my mind is racing and I feel like I want to tear my own skin off, I'm so restless. It doesn't matter that I was up until 05:00am yesterday morning- barely got 4 hours sleep before I was woken to help change my grandmother- I am so hyped up I feel like I won't sleep for the next hundred years.

Every thought that can possibly invade my mind is on a relentless attack. From one of our employees that was given notice on her flat because we paid her late (again) to how I'll get my newly cut fringe to stay flat. I'm thinking about whether it will be possible for me to return to university next year. My favorite online fan writer has left her weekly story in a terrible cliffhanger until next Sunday. I need to find a job and then another one if I'm going to save. One of these days I'll need to move out of my parent's. Will I be alive next year?

It would be a relief if I could at least calmly think about each of these subjects one at a time, but they are coming like an endless gush of water, mixing with each other, confusing the hell out of me.

My depression has been so bad in the last couple of weeks. It hasn't been this bad since I was in America. I can say that it is both situational and chemical. Approximately 36 hours ago I was practically catatonic and couldn't stop thinking about slitting my wrists. Then my sister came home to do research for a job interview. Her visits are normally marked by a lot of tension both for her and for us. Honestly every time she cames home the reality of how bad things are takes hold. But this time she needed me to set up a blog for her, having no idea how to do it herself. I worked on it all night pulling out all my creative stops. In the end working on her blog actually brought me out of the suicidal rut I was in. But now I'm on a wave of energy where I can't rest. Unfortunately coming down off of it doesn't solve any problems either because once I'm down I'm back in that dreaded rut where I have to fight for survival.

My parents know about this. Before my grandmother came home I sat them down and said that they needed to put me in a psychiatric hospital, even if it is a government one. Unfortunately for me they have a limited understanding of such places. My mother firmly believes that they do medical experiments on you. They have said they'll support me but...nothing has come of it. My godfather- also my mother's 1st cousin- has said he wants to throw me a "lifeline" he has said that he will pay for a psychologist. Being an analytical type of man, he wants to "shop around", get the best "price" then think it over, talk about it with me, talk about it with my mom, think a bit more. This lovely kind- hearted man's middle name is Procrastination.

In the meantime my mother has sent me to a lady that I have known since I was a baby who is a church counsellor. They already know that I struggle to believe in God. To start counselling I had to make a list of every person that had ever hurt me and work on forgiving them each one by one. It was a relief to finally have someones undivided attention and eventually just talk about how I was feeling. I felt great when I left. Until I got home and starting thinking about some of the people on that list...for the next two days I was SOOOOO angry. I'm wondering if digging up the past and dealing with it in conjunction with everything that's going on in the present is the best thing.

4:20 am: I don't know if it is my imagination but I think I am finally getting sleeping. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I just can't see an end to this right now. All I can hope for is that my godfather moves his butt with finding me a psychologist. And I don't think reality will ever hit my parents until they are carrying me out here in a straight jacket...apparently they don't use straight jackets anymore?

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