Friday, March 18, 2011

This week...

With the happenings of last week, I really didn't think it was appropriate to continue my post on the hereafter, not to mention the actual movie Hereafter had a scene of a tsunami engulfing a coastline- I read somewhere that they actually stopped showing the movie in Japan because of this. I will continue this post in a few days.

And I felt, and have been feeling all this week that in the grander scheme of things my musings really didn't matter. It's the same feeling you get when you gaze up at the stars at night, realise how unimaginably big the universe is and how insignificant you are...not even a grain sand. I read somewhere that there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on this earth.

I have been truly devastated by the events happening in Japan. I actually haven't felt this way since 9/11. All week I have seen pictures of carnage, bewildered people, bodies covered and landscapes forever changed. I wish there was something I could do but I know that's impossible Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will remember that one of my dreams was to go and teach English in Japan after I graduate. My fascination with Japan started when I was the only girl in my class that would watch Dragonball Z with the boys. Forget I said that.

It's also been a week of "one-thing-after-another". On Monday I had my last session with my psychologist. My godfather is unable to pay for my sessions anymore. Obviously this is a huge loss but I am so grateful to him for his kindness, it saved me. Last Friday, I refused to go to therapy because I found out my Dad was e-mailing my therapist in what I think was an attempt to influence her. As far as I know you have to get the patient's consent to e-mail their therapist. It was the worst breach of privacy and although it may seem childish I decided not go to make statement that this was one area he would never be able to control

I ended a friendship last week before the earthquake. Believe me this was not something that do often and I didn't take it very lightly. I am still wondering if I did the right thing. Basically it boiled down to: "How long am I going to let this girl hurt me?" "Do I really have time for a flake?. The answer to both questions was in the negative. You see I have been really blessed when it comes to friends. I don't have a truckload of friends like my sister, but the friends I do have,have walked through fire with me, loved me unconditionally are constant sources of hope. I would do anything for them. Once you have had a friendship like that you really don't have time for the social butterflies who are here today and gone tomorrow but still depend heavily on you. That's what this girl was.

I was in hospital on Wednesday. What was meant to be a check up with the combined services of neurology and psychiatry turned into my having lumbar puncture/ spinal tap number 6. The actual procedure went well but it is now Friday and I STILL have a headache from the LP and body aches. I feel like I am 80. My one daily focus right now is painkillers.

For the last two days the surrounding area where I live has been engulfed in flames. The result of some fog throwing a cigarette butt out of a car window. At night the symphony of flames dancing with the moon can be very beautiful but once a new day dawns reality hits. Magical forests are now piles of ash, wild animals have burnt to death, the once beautiful landscape blackened. This morning I wondered where Basil and Buttercup were. Along the main road there is a mass exodus of fire trucks carry filthy, exhausted firemen. While new shiny ones go in the opposite direction, ready for battle.

Everything seems so big at the moment and I feel so little! So I am going to lay this very achy little head of mine down and try and get some sleep...


  1. Oh Stephi,
    SO much going on with your psyche and body. Boundaries all over the world are being destroyed and resurrected and you seem to be mirroring the process. I'm so sorry that you had to end therapy and I would be outraged if a family member was trying to find out info. from my therapist. And here in the states, it is BIG TIME trouble if a counselor of any type or a Dr. gives out private info. to a family member or a friend if they're not a minor. And as for saying goodbye to the girl who didn't honor you or let you feel safe with, I think that shows a lot of courage and a good step for your self esteem. We have to reparent ourselves if we've been dismissed or hurt when we were younger and saying to someone "it's not o.k. for you to hurt me or disrespect me" is a way of standing up for yourself. Good for you. Really sorry that you're suffering and having to go through so much with your health issues : ( I'm going through my own issues, not to the extent you are and know how hard it is to do the littlest thing when we're not feeling well and have to deal with Dr.'s and the aftermath. Know that I'm sending you lots of healing blessings and love.

  2. Sounds like you need a good rest my dear. I hope you are finding the time to take care of yourself. Of course, everyone is different, but I find music to be very healing or getting out of the house to see something truly amazing and beautiful. I hope your pain goes away quickly, both emotional and physical. <3

  3. Beautiful sign.

    You have so many things going on right now. I am amazed at your strength.

    Sorry about therapy ending. How are you feeling about it? I got really scared when my therapist started talking about me being done. Then I ended up moving on to someone else. I've actually been away from therapy for about six months. I was trying to be okay. But I'm not.

    I'll be back in therapy in a couple weeks. Just knowing that is helping me get through the days.

    You're in my prayers tonight. I hope you find some peace.

  4. Thanks Wendy, It's weird as you say that my personal troubles have seem to peak at a time when the world is in disarray.

    My therapist made it clear to my father that his e-mailing her was inappropiate. Of course that has made her the worst person in his eyes. He wasn't trying to get information as much as he was trying to influence her. He knew that every time he e-mailed my therapist that we would talk about what he wrote...that's how he was trying to gain control.

    As for my "friend" was definately time to say goodbye but no less hard. I doubt she has been affected by it. But I was very sad to let go of her and I do miss her now but I know that I am better off.


  5. Miss Running- I feel as though I can sleep for 100 years lol!. I with you on the music factor. Music has been my solace throughout my life and has been so comforting to me through my illness. Right now I am looking for some good relaxation music to help me sleep or just unwind. If you have any suggestions I'd appreciate it!.

  6. Hey Miss Robin,

    I think I am going to make that sign part of my blog artwork for a while.

    Honestly I don't feel strong, I feel like I am just crawling. I am so grateful to my godfather for putting me through therapy and my therapist for everything she has done for me but I am feeling very vulnerable now that it has stopped. We all agreed it was way to soon but because of financial reasons it just is not possible anymore, I just need to hang onto the things she has taught me.

    I think therapy is vital for people like us but I do believe that there will come a time when we need to start looking to ourselves for strength and for that reason therapy shouldn't go on forever. But now and then we should "touch base". Good luck with your therapy I hope it helps you to get to where you need to be.

    And I really do appreciate your prays...I REALLY do need them!! Thanks SO much! :)