Saturday, October 23, 2010

It's a bird! It's a plane..No! It's...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!

The joys of home remedies!

I am blogging from my blackberry so this should be especially
interesting (and finger aching)

For now I am against putting up any pics of myself on this blog, but
this was just so funny/ scary I couldn't resist. For this past week my
BIH has gotten worse and worse and I've spent the last two days mostly
in bed with intense pain. I really don't want to rely on painkillers,
so I am always on the look out for alternative ways to manage pain.
Some things work, some don't. What has always helped me is literally
cooling my head down, so what you see there are pillows that have been
in the freezer, an ice pack on my head and teabags on my eyes. Drained
ceylon teabags are supposed to be great for tired, puffy eyes and eye
pain. I find it has a really soothing effect and sometimes laying down
with teabags on my eyes and doing my breathing exercises can be SO
relaxing. Even if it makes me look like 2D's sister. I doubt anyone
will recognize me on the street from this. Unless you have laser

Anyway there is something else that I would like to mention that has
been on my mind. It's about the Internet more specifically people' s interaction
ON the Internet. The Internet to me is the most amazing tool that was
ever created: an endless abundance of information available at just
one click. Friends and family on the other side of the world can find
each other and keep track of each other. In 2008 the US processed 23 zettabytes
worth of information- that' equal to 1 trillion trillion bytes. If you
had to visit every a webpage every minute on the web you would never be
finished. But as we have unlocked this key of discovery, we have
opened a Pandora's box. Child pornography exploded after the Internet,
the Internet became the perfect haunt for pedophiles. People now have
no privacy.

But I have chosen this medium to reveal a painful struggle that most
people who know me have no idea about. Anyone reading this blog
doesn't know me but knows some of the deepest corners of my heart. How
does that figure?. What I will tell you is that it took nearly a year
of deliberating before deciding to take a leap of faith, so it wasn't
a decision that was taken lightly. And there are things that I will
never discuss on here.

The worst part of depression for me is the vast and never- ending
sadness and loneliness. This makes me vulnerable and turning to the
Internet, specifically this blog could be dangerous.

Here's why: (does anyone identify with this?)

When I was about 9 two cousins that I didn't know very well were
visiting. We were all out in the yard playing. The younger one and I
were playing Frisbee, instead of throwing the Frisbee to him, I threw
the Frisbee at him and was delighted when the thing hit him again and again. I was
intimidated by him because he was new and generally people outside my
immediate family preferred my sister because she was a more stable
child. So before he could reject me I was going to drive him away.
This Frisbee abuse carried on for a while before he finally stopped,
walked up to me and said. "If you play nicely, I'll be your friend".
Well those were the magic words, for the rest of the time he was there
I played very sweetly with him and followed him around like a puppy.
If he had turned around and told me to get lost my heart would have
shattered into a million pieces.

It's nearly two decades later. I am far more mature and better at
handling myself. But because of past issues I have yet to deal with
and loneliness being my constant companion. I am still the same: if
someone shows me friendship I will act nonchalant, but my heart will be
singing. And it is the same for me on the Internet and on this blog.
This is why it could be dangerous: the Internet is not a real world. On
the Internet we can be anything we want and while I have been nothing
but honest on this blog there are people that aren't.

My problem is that I have to constantly make sure I don't get too
attached to people to people I interact with online. We are all here
revealing our deepest darkest secrets, so it's hard. When I receive a comment (and I
love comments) I have to make sure that my attitude is "A comment,
that's great" instead of " OH MY GOD! I got a comment! a comment! My
new best friend!!!" And if that person doesn't comment on my next post
"Why didn't they comment?! Don't they like me anymore?"

Your interpersonal day to day relationships need and should take
priority over any online relationships ( most likely with people
you don't know) . Support for mental illness
online can be beneficial if used correctly but it could go the other
way and become part of the problem. Guard your heart and mind there
are vast amounts of people on here who can harm you that way. I may
sound preachy but these are the rules that I am exercising for myself
and maybe others might want to consider.There are people I have met
through blogging that I would love to get to know personally but in
most cases that won't be possible. And that's okay. We are all here
for just a season of our lives.

Having finished with my monologue I would like to say that it has been
nothing but an honor getting to know some people through
reading their blogs. It's been great being able to interact and
identify with people in the same boat. And the support that I have
received on this blog has eased the burden of a very long, tiring

Tomorrow I will do a post on the fantastic CBT session I had today.
She taught me some fantastic new exercises called TRE (Trauma release
exercises) . It was a bad day today and these exercises made the world
difference. I think it's really going to help with both my depression
and anxiety. Yippeeeee!


  1. Hey Stephi - How are you doing? Looks like you're having a tough time. It's raining here today, so I'm having these terrible headaches, too. Actually, the main reason I was hesitant about starting my blog was exactly the kind of anxiety you described in this post. I was not at all sure of things like how often I should update my blog. I was also worried if I could get along well with people I would meet online. Yet, I'm grateful that I did start my blog and that I was able to meet all the people like you who visit my blog with a lot of thoughtful comments. I treasure my current relationships with those people. I don't know how long I blog about myself, but I believe this blogging experience will always be invaluable for me. I look forward to reading more about who you are. I hope you're feeling better!

  2. Hey Takashi, thanks for your comment. I'm doing a little better but it looks as though I might have to go into hospital for a short stay. If you've seen pictures of my hospital on this blog you'll understand why that's not a very appealing thought!

    Anyway, despite the dangers start my blog was one of the best decisions I have made. My psychologist, church counsellors, mom and best friend have been very supportive about it. But they were concerned about me getting hurt, so I put some guidelines into place.

    I met the most amazing Austrailian girl online when I was looking for a travel partner and I also met a lovely guy that I went to church with in London. I'm still friends with them today. But I also had a really bad experience. That taught me to be cautious. That's the key always be cautious.

    I LOVE reading your blog and now that you are posting in Japanese as well it'll probably open a lot of doors just give it time. I'll be your reader for as long as you need to keep your blog :)

  3. Hi Stephi

    Didnt know you had a blog- but saw you had one when I clicked on ur profile from the lovely comment u left on mine.

    I never realised you were battling with something so serious and I was so so sad to read about this.

    I cant comprehend the depth of your pain as I have never suffered from depression- however, I do suffer from anxiety disorder which I have been medicated for, and OCD- and i know the crippling loneliness from having such problems- the feeling that u are carrying this huge weight all alone.

    What helped me alot was to realise that there are people who have the same problems- and no one is perfect- no matter how it seems from the outside. Blogging I think is a great way to help deal with this. In my worst stages, I joined OCD Tribe, and I cannot describe what a huge relief it was for me to chat with like minded people. What matters is that we always keep hope, and never give up the struggle-because life is worth it.

    There are so many of us who love you- in fact- one of your biggest fans right here:)

    And by the way- I have always thought u are an amazing writer- and reading ur blog i was once again blown away by your skill- maybe consider a novel at some stage?

    Love you, and please lets do that coffee soon- there is so much we need to catch up on xxx

  4. Hey my dear foxy,
    I have to admit, that I have been reading your blog for a while but didn't follow because I didn't want you to find my blog. I didn't expect you to find it either when I did follow you! Only my mother, best friend and psychologist know about it. This is because it is such an uncomfortable subject for most people to deal with and I am not strong enough yet to deal with peoples's reactions yet. Most of my friends and my family would be shocked if they knew the truth about what happened to me.

    Anyway, your response had me tears and I'm so relieved that you seem okay with it. You will not believe the stigma I have to battle against. I'm so glad that you care:) Don't feel obliged to read. What I write will be upsetting at times. Thank- you so much for your support and advice, it means the absolute world to me!.

    I love you girlie and it's been a great pleasure having you in our lives. I'm so proud of who you have become.

    Yeah! let's do Latte's soon :)

    P.S Little sister does know about this blog too in case you are wondering:)

  5. Hey Stephi - Wow - I've thought the same things too - regarding getting feedback from my posts, etc.. and I agree - I've meet wonderful people online - and will continue to enjoy keeping in touch with them (including you!) but it's important that we do remain in contact with our friends we live near...

    P.S. - I love your pic! :)

    Christine :)

  6. Well it's good to know that I'm not alone in freaking out about feedback! :) All I'm saying is that we shouldn't rely on the internet as our only source of support because it is so unpredictable :) I'm glad that I have found people that are genuine, that means so much!

  7. I completely agree - you still have to keep your guard up regarding meeting people online - it's just smart to do... :) Unpredictable is precisely the right word for it! :)