Friday, May 7, 2010

My hope for the flowers Part 5 : Road to recovery

The day after I went onto antidepressants may be hazy but it was one of the oddest days of my life. I was a temp at work, so when I didn’t work I didn’t get paid and the company had so many candidates waiting to fill my position that missing work wasn’t a good idea. So after everything I had just been through I went back to work the day after I saw my doctor- high on Xanax and with Lexapro working its way into my system. The result was just hilarious.

I began to talk and talk and TALK, really, REALLY fast. Everything that was on my mind went tumbling out of my mouth. From what brand of toothpaste I used that morning to my view on the war on terror. I even tried to start a debate on religion (BAD idea). I floated around our tiny office and SKIPPED through the warehouse. I bought a fortune worth of chocolate from the vending machines and ate them all during my lunch break- only to throw it all up. I had a serious giggling fit about nothing and then all of a sudden the terror of the previous days returned whacking the life out of me and I went dead quiet. Everyone was so baffled by my behavior, I’m sure they all thought I was smoking dope. I’m amazed that I didn’t get fired.

Ironically that night, I was supposed to be going to an Evanescence concert with my co-worker, Karen and her hubby, Troy and some of Troy’s cousins. What a great concert to go to when you are mentally unstable :/ . I got myself sedated enough to handle the trip there without panicking that we would have a car accident and to help the nerves with meeting Troy’s cousins. Unfortunately the real clincher was when we all went to dinner and I couldn’t order drinks with everyone else, because I wasn’t allowed any alcohol. I had always been scared about meeting new people when I was growing up. I got over this when I was older by always being the one to make the first move- usually a glass of wine helped first. But when I was sitting there at that table I found that my tongue was frozen and I couldn’t talk- not even to reply to a question someone asked me. I felt like such a looser. At the same time I had an overwhelming desire to get up and start smashing anything breakable I could get my hands on- just to hear the sound.

The concert was surreal. Most of Evanescence’s music is pretty loud, well, that didn’t stop me from falling asleep. I don’t really remember anything of that concert. I felt as if I was in the twilight zone, continuously drifting between reality and a scary dream world. I have never taken drugs before, but what happened then is the closest thing that I can compare to a bad trip.

I was still in that zone on the way home. Troy tried striking up a conversation with me, but all my replies were broken bits of nonsense, until being on the edge of sleep and awake my mouth started shooting of a random monologue about cats!- where the hell that came from was anyone’s guess. I can still remember Troy’s confused silence.

What I learned from that day (aside from not wanting to listen to Evanescence again. Ever) is to really get to know the drug that your doctor puts you on. If you are able to, RESEARCH it as much as you can and get to know the side effects. In my next entry I’m going to discuss my experiences with antidepressants, the side effects, the improvements etc. I feel it’s so important to be more educated about this stuff rather than blinding doing what the doctor says without asking any questions that could make the world of difference.

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