Friday, July 15, 2011


I am sitting here with my cup of tea waiting for the popcorn. It is one of those golden afternoons on the farm. The house is bathed in warm sunlight and it is quiet except for the sound of the fridge and the birds. Milo is sunbathing. It is at times like these where I think life is good and depression seems like a distant memory. Yet no matter what season there is always this feeling that future is racing toward me and I am in no way prepared for it.

Last week my sister finally decided (or gained enough courage) to introduce us to her new boyfriend. When a male comes into our family it is a big deal. We are a family of women with the exception of my Dad and one lone male cousin (the best guy you could know). All of our men abandoned us years ago- I tell myself it's because they can't handle us. But the introduction of a new guy in our family has always meant one of two things...heartbreak or a new baby somewhere in the future. It happens every time like clockwork. It's like we have a curse on us. I hate it.

My sister's new boyfriend is a lovely guy but already the signs of trouble are there. He is three years younger than her and has a less than perfect past. I have now decided to be positive and supportive of her, but I can't get rid of the niggling feeling of impending doom. When she told us she was bringing him home last week I immediately made plans to be elsewhere. I panicked thinking "Oh no, not again! I won't go through it again!". Childish I know. It upset and hurt my sister and after a huge fight via Blackberry messenger, I agreed to stay.

Sitting with my Mom in the aftermath, I was trying to explain to her my overwhelming desire to get as far away from the family as I could. At some point I made the most ridiculous comparison of my life so far being like window shopping in a mall- there has always been glass between me and the things I want: success, happiness, love, peace. And all I have really done is looked at it but have never had it.

The hilarity and overwhelming sadness of what I was saying engulfed me all at once. Suddenly I began to both laugh and cry at the same time as each feeling inside me battled for control. The convulsions of both laughter and tears were so strong that I could no longer sit upright and so I collapsed into a quivering lump on the couch.

My Mom's face just made me laugh and cry harder. I could literally see her brain ticking away, trying to figure out what she should do. Eventually I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. She came and sat beside me and tried to hold me up. Milo was staring at me like I had gone nuts. I laughed/ cried for about 45 minutes.

I have no idea what that was or whether it was good or not. It's been a while since I was so out of control. Afterwards my face was red and puffy from crying and my asthma had been triggered from laughing. I spoke to my counsellor and she sounded it like hysteria. It might have been the fact that my doctors were meddling with my Amitriptyline Whatever it was it passed quickly and the next day it was like it never happened. I am ashamed of my attitude toward my sister having a boyfriend. You don't need to tell me that I am being unreasonable. But the past still has it's clutches deep inside us and I am still trying to figure out how to break free. I hope that by the end of my time on earth I won't be comparing my life to window shopping.


  1. I hope I will never tell anyone they are being unreasonable for feeling a certain way. You feel however you feel.

    You agreed to stay and try to support her. That was tough. Try not to just see the things you're not happy about, see the ones you're proud of. I am proud of you for staying when it was hard. I have done a lot of hiding and avoiding lately, so you're doing better than me on that one.

    I hope the meds get stable soon. That can cause so much stress. Ugh! Good luck.

  2. Hey MissRobin- Believe I wanted to make my self scarce but I would have never heard the end of it, so that was the REAL reason why I stayed :)

  3. Expressing how you really feel is tough, especially on your own family. This could create a lot of misunderstandings. And compromises have to be done.I am glad that you stayed, though.

    I understand that somehow, in between the lines, you want to protect yourself and the family from the heartbreak. It's such a noble heart that you have but sadly,things at times, don't go our way. I think that the better option is to stay with her through and through.

    Even if the heartbreak is impending, facing it together is better. And id that indeed happens, you would be there for her. I'm sorry for saying these things, I acknowledge that this is a hard time you're going through.

    I wish you well on this journey.

    Btw, if you don't mind, can I ask you a favor? Could you please evaluate this counseling webpage? I think that this is a very informative site but would still want to hear other people's opinions. Thank you :)

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