BEST news everyone! (and a bit of blabbing)

I got a temporary job covering maternity leave. It is a 4- 5 month contract and I start on the first of August. I was looking for something permanent and I could do with better pay but it's better than nothing and at least I will have something better to do in the next few months. I will be able to buy my Mom a nice birthday present this year. And I can finally start paying off some of those debts that have been hanging around my neck. I am not nervous about it now but come Sunday night I will be!.

In the last few days the world has been in total chaos. How ironic that I wrote about terrorism just a few weeks ago and now Norway is dealing with such tragedy because of an individual who wanted to bring a "revolution" to his country. Then of course there is the massive train crash in China, more earthquakes in my dear Japan and the death of Amy Winehouse (Am I missing anything?). Right now I feel like I am in a fish bowl staring out at all the anarchy. Everyone here feels safe and untouchable. I feel the same to a certain degree, but I was once also in the midst of a national disaster and know that we are never completely safe. How someone could call himself a christian and then shoot dozens of children and young people is incomprehensible to me. What this man did was not from God. Of course the obvious question is why didn't God, being all- powerful that he is stop these acts that were being committed in his name. The best honest answer I can give to that is I don't know. I'm not going pipe on about "everything happens for a reason"- there was no reason for this.

So things are starting to look up on my side despite the world being a very sad place at the moment. In the last week I have been staying with a friend and have honestly had no time to either blog or read blogs. I am going back to the same friend tomorrow to start have a bit of a holiday before I join the rat race. There is no big reason for this post other than to share some good news for those who care and give my two cents on the happenings of planet earth. Hope everyone is safe and well :)

Madiba

Today was Nelson Mandela's 93rd birthday. A few years ago a campaign was started on Mandela's birthday that encouraged South Africans to spend part of the day helping those less fortunate. Amazingly enough it has actually taken off. Today my cousins volunteered for charity, my Mom donated clothes to a children's home and our church celebrated the opening of the a newly built dormitory for disabled school children. I was hoping to donate blood today, I was a donor before I became ill in 2009, but unfortunately I am still waiting for clearance from my doctor to start donating again.

I am careful of not turning people into gods, but like everyone else I am amazed at Mandela. I was afraid of him when I was very young- my grandmother was responsible for that. They called him a terrorist. But when I actually questioned why he was so bad and what a terrorist was, no one could ever come up with what I thought was a good enough answer...I was just told he "made trouble". The truth is I learnt was true freedom was from Mandela and I only realised the value of it once his plight became known to me.

Most of you will know his story: He spent 27 years- the length of time I have been alive in tiny space no bigger than my bathroom. What is not widely reported now, even by Mr Mandela himself is the torture that he and his fellow activists suffered all because they wanted to be treated the same as white people. He was a husband and father- he missed the growing up of all his children. He sat in prison knowing that his family were being terrorized and isolated because of him and he could do nothing to help. I can't imagine the pain and unbearable agony he must of gone through.

The most important lesson I learnt was when he was realised from prison in 1990. He forgave. How he could forgive always used to strike me dumb- those people ruined his life. As an adult I now realise one of the reasons he was able to forgive. He knew what his reason for living was. His life had a purpose and a passion- something most people spend their whole lives looking for. He had a purpose and he was willing to die for it. They may have placed him behind bars but he already had freedom in his own heart.

We may be born into a country where democracy prevails. We may grow up having everything we ever wanted. We can travel the world but if we do not have freedom with in our hearts and souls, we might as well be locked in a prison. I believe some of the greatest battles in history have not taken place between enemies, but within a heart and a mind. It's like thinking you are in darkness when the sun has already risen. It's seeing the world in grey when it is actually bursting with colour. It is love, it is happiness and it is where life starts. It is understanding that You. Are. Actually. Free and not just thinking it.

I am including a poem called "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley  being read by Morgan Freeman, who played Nelson Mandela in the movie Invictus. While in prison Mandela was inspired by this poem and kept it close to his heart. It is reported that he would recite this to the other prisoners. This poem says best what I am trying to say. It means "unconquered" or "undefeated". Thank- you Madiba for this lesson.  http://youtu.be/9oIKqeZWjis

"Invictus"

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Hysteria

I am sitting here with my cup of tea waiting for the popcorn. It is one of those golden afternoons on the farm. The house is bathed in warm sunlight and it is quiet except for the sound of the fridge and the birds. Milo is sunbathing. It is at times like these where I think life is good and depression seems like a distant memory. Yet no matter what season there is always this feeling that future is racing toward me and I am in no way prepared for it.

Last week my sister finally decided (or gained enough courage) to introduce us to her new boyfriend. When a male comes into our family it is a big deal. We are a family of women with the exception of my Dad and one lone male cousin (the best guy you could know). All of our men abandoned us years ago- I tell myself it's because they can't handle us. But the introduction of a new guy in our family has always meant one of two things...heartbreak or a new baby somewhere in the future. It happens every time like clockwork. It's like we have a curse on us. I hate it.

My sister's new boyfriend is a lovely guy but already the signs of trouble are there. He is three years younger than her and has a less than perfect past. I have now decided to be positive and supportive of her, but I can't get rid of the niggling feeling of impending doom. When she told us she was bringing him home last week I immediately made plans to be elsewhere. I panicked thinking "Oh no, not again! I won't go through it again!". Childish I know. It upset and hurt my sister and after a huge fight via Blackberry messenger, I agreed to stay.

Sitting with my Mom in the aftermath, I was trying to explain to her my overwhelming desire to get as far away from the family as I could. At some point I made the most ridiculous comparison of my life so far being like window shopping in a mall- there has always been glass between me and the things I want: success, happiness, love, peace. And all I have really done is looked at it but have never had it.

The hilarity and overwhelming sadness of what I was saying engulfed me all at once. Suddenly I began to both laugh and cry at the same time as each feeling inside me battled for control. The convulsions of both laughter and tears were so strong that I could no longer sit upright and so I collapsed into a quivering lump on the couch.

My Mom's face just made me laugh and cry harder. I could literally see her brain ticking away, trying to figure out what she should do. Eventually I couldn't breathe and my stomach was in knots. She came and sat beside me and tried to hold me up. Milo was staring at me like I had gone nuts. I laughed/ cried for about 45 minutes.

I have no idea what that was or whether it was good or not. It's been a while since I was so out of control. Afterwards my face was red and puffy from crying and my asthma had been triggered from laughing. I spoke to my counsellor and she sounded it like hysteria. It might have been the fact that my doctors were meddling with my Amitriptyline Whatever it was it passed quickly and the next day it was like it never happened. I am ashamed of my attitude toward my sister having a boyfriend. You don't need to tell me that I am being unreasonable. But the past still has it's clutches deep inside us and I am still trying to figure out how to break free. I hope that by the end of my time on earth I won't be comparing my life to window shopping.

7/7

On July 7th, 2005 I left my flat in Southfeilds, in the south of London and took the tube to my work in Kensignton. It was a typical day, with me wishing that it was weekend because as usual I had gone to bed so late the night before. I had been living in England for just over a year and was loving it. I used to work to walk quite often, mostly because I loved being out in central London so much. But it took me two hours to get to work that way and owing to the fact that I was exhausted that morning I took the train a little late.

I can't remember much about that morning but when I look back now I remember feeling rather unsettled sitting at my desk and not knowing why. It was so quite. Too quite. An hour and a half after I arrived the phone rang and it was one of the psychotherapists at the practice where I worked asking to speak to my boss. "Have you heard whats happened?" he asked. I had no idea. "There are bombs going off on the Underground" he said casually...so casually that I actually thought he was joking. He actually starting laughing and then told me to tell my boss that they were shutting down central London and he was not able to get in so he was going to start walking home. I sat at my desk shell shocked after that call not sure what to do, still not quite believing what I had heard.

The phone rang about three minutes later, just has I had noticed I had 6 text messages on my cellphone. It was my grandmother's cousin who lived in Wimbledon, frantic wanting to know if I was alright. She told me that three bombs had exploded on three different Underground trains, one of them was on the train line where I worked. Knowing my Mom would freak out as soon as she heard the news I asked her to phone my parents in South Africa and let them know I was alright. The rest of day was spent frantically trying to contact friends around the city, which was difficult as they had shut down the cellular network in central London. All public transport was suspended and later that day there was a sight most likely never to be seen again. Millions of people walking the streets to get home. By the time my boss let me go home the streets were empty and deathly silent- there were no cars or people. I knew the way home from walking to and fro to work but was I terrified walking that night. I eventually got home at 10pm to three relieved housemates.

Terrorism to me was something that seemed to only be exclusively on T.V. It never seemed to be real, something that always happened in a country worlds away. I had watched as an 18- year old in numb disbelief as those planes had hit the Twin Towers could not comprehend how a person could actually do that.  For the first time that day, the monster that had been trapped in a television set touched my life and became very, very real. The real weapon that terrorism uses is fear, panic and confusion that normally hits in it's aftermath making the world angrier and more dangerous.

Today is the 7th anniversary of the London bombings. Seven years ago today four very misguided young men stepped onto London's public transport, which services over a million people a day, and took their lives and those of 52 other people when they detonated explosives strapped to their bodies. 700 hundred more people were injured. In the days that followed a shadow was cast over the country. It was almost like a sort of universal trust had been broken. In time everyone recovered from their shock and anger. But things were never the same again.

I have often found it odd, especially since deciding to follow God again, how people can commit the most horrible atrocities against mankind all in the name of something that in my opinion that is all about love. I personally feel that God is all about life. He speaks life onto us. His command is love. Yet somehow people use God to kill and control other people. They project their own selfish desires onto God and make it all about Him when it's actually all about them.

From what I know about Islam it has to be one of the most peaceful and honorable religions out there. Some of the greatest people I have ever known have been Muslim. We once had a Islamic landlord who let my family stay rent- free in our house for months after my Dad had his heart attack and my mother became unemployed because his way of honoring his God was to shelter us. Because of a handful of extremists shame has been cast onto millions of other peaceful Muslims.

Like I said before, terrorism's greatest weapon is fear. Fear does terrible things to people and is even more dangerous when it affects people on a mass scale. One of the characters in Starwars said that fear eventually leads to hatred. An emotional cancer. This is so true, I think most of you will agree with me that 9/11 changed the world and we are now more afraid and more angry. It has taken away a piece of our freedom. Some of us will never be able to fly without the niggling feeling of, "Will I make it?". Some of us now insist upon living behind ridiculously high wall for protection. People are afraid to go outside because of "What if?. I know plenty of people that will not completely trust someone because they are

What can we do to change this? I have no idea except for the way that I reacted after the London bombings. The day after, I got back on the tube and went to work. I was one just six people in that carriage. Normally it's packed. We had to stop in the middle of a tunnel for five minutes which got me a little unnerved and I asked a guy sitting further away if I could sit with him, eventually all six of us were sitting together. I can't exactly say it was the most pleasant journey of my life. But I made it to work that morning, one of the very few people in London that did. The second time I got on the train it was easier and the third time...

So my answer would be learn from the experience, never forget but to move on. Yes those people have got us afraid but don't give in to it or you will be doing exactly want they want you to do. Don't be prejudiced and distrustful toward someone because they are part of a religion that happens to have a few extremists. Don't listen to the "What ifs". Don't hide behind walls. You don't have to change the world but you can make a difference to your small corner. That is the only way to win this war. That way your children will not inherit a world of hatred .

RIP 07/07/2005

 



The copper theif!The copper theif!

For the third time in THREE MONTHS the telephone cables in our area have been stolen. No cables means no phone. No phone for us means no internet. This has become such a huge problem in South Africa. People steal the copper cables right off the damn poles and then sell it to God knows who. It takes the phone company weeks to repair it and has put such a financial strain on them that they have started laying people off.

I have been using my Blackberry as a computer. This has come at the worst time because I am job- hunting. I am able to approve comments on my blog but for some reason I can't comment myself. I have downloaded 0pera mini onto my phone so hopefully that will make using the internet on my phone a bit simpiliar.

So job interview!. I don't think I have ever gone to so much effort for an interview. But when I got there on Friday I could have cut the tension in that office with a knife. At one point I could hear some girl talking loudly on the phone and to me it sounded as if she was crying. Really awkward.

What had happened is that the magazine was due to print on Monday and they had just gotten a new story. I guess if you have worked for a magazine you know this is a BIG deal. In the end the person that was meant to interview me couldn't and the lady that did interview me was extremely stressed and rushed through the interview. Not only that pissed me off big time when told me that they had already found two people but "didn't want to cancel all the interviews". I had driven 40 minutes and spent my sister's money on clothes just so they could interview me for fun?. I nearly blew up right there but managed to hold it together.

So I guess that was a bit of dud. They have still haven't said no and I gave them samples of my writing but realistically I know my writing is average. It sucks because I really wanted that job and I think I would have been good at it. Oh well, on to the next.

I do have some good news though. I got my exam results back...I passed all of them and they were all just a few marks short of distinction. It's not going to make me any money right now, but at least I am edging closer to finishing my degree.For the third time in THREE MONTHS the telephone cables in our area have been stolen. No cables means no phone. No phone for us means no internet. This has become such a huge problem in South Africa. People steal the copper cables right off the damn poles and then sell it to God knows who. It takes the phone company weeks to repair it and has put such a financial strain on them that they have started laying people off.

I have been using my Blackberry as a computer. This has come at the worst time because I am job- hunting. I am able to approve comments on my blog but for some reason I can't comment myself. I have downloaded 0pera mini onto my phone so hopefully that will make using the internet on my phone a bit simpiliar.

So job interview!. I don't think I have ever gone to so much effort for an interview. But when I got there on Friday I could have cut the tension in that office with a knife. At one point I could hear some girl talking loudly on the phone and to me it sounded as if she was crying. Really awkward.

What had happened is that the magazine was due to print on Monday and they had just gotten a new story. I guess if you have worked for a magazine you know this is a BIG deal. In the end the person that was meant to interview me couldn't and the lady that did interview me was extremely stressed and rushed through the interview. Not only that pissed me off big time when told me that they had already found two people but "didn't want to cancel all the interviews". I had driven 40 minutes and spent my sister's money on clothes just so they could interview me for fun?. I nearly blew up right there but managed to hold it together.

So I guess that was a bit of dud. They have still haven't said no and I gave them samples of my writing but realistically I know my writing is average. It sucks because I really wanted that job and I think I would have been good at it. Oh well, on to the next.

I do have some good news though. I got my exam results back...I passed all of them and they were all just a few marks short of distinction. It's not going to make me any money right now, but at least I am edging closer to finishing my degree.