This is not going to be one those instances where I gush about how lucky I am to be getting an education, how hard I've worked to get here. Nope this where I tell you that THIS is the worst type of self- inflicted torture that you can put yourself through. Never mind "Off with your head" back in the middle ages just introduce tertiary exams as capital punishment and it would've put the fear of God into them. Not a loaf of bread would ever have been stolen again.
In my house during the day the T.V , radio, laundry and my grandmother all compete to see who can be the loudest. Not to mention we live in the middle of a very active apple farm so add motorbikes and tractors to the mix, all making it impossible to study during the day. So I have been studying through the night then sleeping during the day. Talk about being out of the loop- my life right now is a surreal haze where I travel from my bed to my desk and back again. It is really difficult to live with people that have not been through this- both my parents dropped out of university. My mom has been extremely supportive, making little snacks to see me through the night. But generally no one gets the gravity of what this means for me. It's not just a little spelling test I'm doing next week.
At the same time there is a lot pressure for me not only to get this degree but to do really, really well. There is no plan B...I HAVE to get it. The job climate in South Africa is such that u don't just need tertiary education to succeed, you need a good tertiary education, something different.
And of course their are also personal reasons- if I ever decide to return to America I would be better off with a college education. Before I can even think of applying for a visa to work in London again I will probably need TWO degrees and A LOT of work experience before they even consider my application. I need a degree to work in Japan.
Then there are the very personal reasons. Psychologists told my Mom I would never be able to go to school. At school they said my best shot in life was to go to trade school, do something very simple to "see me through". I already blew them all away by surviving overseas all by myself for three years, now it's time to prove to everyone that I actually have brains. Overall education is something that I value highly and my life is already better because of it.
But oh, it is hard, back breaking hard. It's hard because studying is something that doesn't come naturally to me, it's hard because of the memory loss I have from the drugs, it's hard to work through the pain of my BIH and it's hard because the degree I picked is one of the hardest!. WTF was I thinking?.
I am actually writing this as a way of avoiding the two inch textbook that has been calling my name for the last half hour. I have already been up all night. The night before last my brain floured and nothing else seemed to go in, I snapped. I hated my degree, I hated my university, I swore to kill my professors if I ever met any of them. I hated my textbook, I hated my computer, I even hated the damn chair I was sitting on!. Right now in the middle of the climb my dreams feel so far away and all I'm seeing is paper with endless words printed on them.
Have any of you done or attempted to do a degree, or even go to college?. Any study advice/ drugs I can take?.
Tell me it's going to be over soon!.
One fried brain
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